GF sent me a text tearing me a new a--hole last night. She tells me just how badly I have hurt her, in no uncertain terms. After that, it can be generally summed up as "you are unhealthy because you do not want to be healthy. You are unhappy because you do not want to be happy. You are afraid because of what you allowed other people do to you. You have everything you SAY you want staring you in the face, and you are running away from it. You already know HOW to be the man you want to be, so BE THAT MAN."
She also points out, as many of you did, that I am ALLOWING W to manipulate me.
I can't disagree with anything she said.
I said earlier that I hated that I was the WAS. I question that premise, now, though. W is no LBS. W is a WW. One who is showing no REAL signs of change, only enough to keep me hooked and get what she wants. I question even if she is non-functionally depressed, as that has become her excuse de jure of why everything is my fault ("you made me choose when I had no ability to function") and something thrown in my face whenever I questioned any of her actions.
I'm Deciding. This is Over. I choose for it to be Over. I refuse to give W the power to hurt me anymore. I refuse to allow myself to be manipulated anymore. I choose to give up hope for the continued existence of my family unit.
Saying those words fills me with fear. But it's less fear than I already felt.
Not going back to GF. At least not yet. I need to not be full of fear. I need to be sure that I want that for the right reasons. But both my head and my heart are telling me that's where I belong. When I'm ready, if I'm lucky, maybe she'll still want me.
