Sometimes in life you need for a limited period of time to accept something to gain something. Dealing with a WH is like playing chess, you need to know when and where to move your pieces. Acting/thinking versus reacting...
I am fully to set up and enforcing boundaries, but right now, their situation is "really bad", he moved out already, so the main goal is to deflate some of the anger he has in regard of his relationship with TO. There is not way to "re-attrack someone" when anger is at its peak. This is an emergency crisis, so the more he is "willing" to come over and the more positive is that experience for him, its always a step forward in favor of the family bond. That's why DB is about detaching and "acting as a friend" versus nagging, begging and being overly critical. The goal is to reverse the scale from negative to neutral then to positive.
Also, the more he will come over, the more "unhappy" Ow might become. An unhappy OW is not full fantasy anymore.
100% agree.
If WAH was showing interest in recommitting to a marriage or moving back in or sleeping in the same bed, then YES, a conversation would need to be had. As is, I don't think that's the point to focus on.
There is positive and there is negative in this situation. Focusing on the negative just creates more disapproval and anger. Regardless of what he's doing that's just going to further prove to him that it doesn't matter what he does, it isn't good enough. I can already hear in his mind "You asked me to come over and help with the kids, I came over and did what I could, but all I do is get yelled at because you think I'm talking to some other woman, I'm only talking to her because I need to talk to someone that sees something good in me so I don't go absolutely crazy..."
So I applaud your decision to let the texting go at this moment. There is no reason to bring up any topics of disapproval, topics regarding you and him, or anything that would indicate you are trying to control his behavior.
Just let him enjoy the children in a pressure free laid back home filled with love. And if you can very subtly affirm the positive behavior, even if you feel like it's 1%, do that.
Regardless of the future you want to have an amicable relationship and a father for your children. This approach will achieve that. The rest isn't to be determined today and is gravy because you WILL be ok.
Great job T0.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
