Sometimes in life you need for a limited period of time to accept something to gain something. Dealing with a WH is like playing chess, you need to know when and where to move your pieces. Acting/thinking versus reacting...
I am fully to set up and enforcing boundaries, but right now, their situation is "really bad", he moved out already, so the main goal is to deflate some of the anger he has in regard of his relationship with TO. There is not way to "re-attrack someone" when anger is at its peak. This is an emergency crisis, so the more he is "willing" to come over and the more positive is that experience for him, its always a step forward in favor of the family bond. That's why DB is about detaching and "acting as a friend" versus nagging, begging and being overly critical. The goal is to reverse the scale from negative to neutral then to positive.
Also, the more he will come over, the more "unhappy" Ow might become. An unhappy OW is not full fantasy anymore.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
I get what you guys are saying.... I'm just shocked that he's going to come here to say he's leaving at 3am. Actually I shouldn't even say shocked.
He just thinks I'm really that naive and dumb. If he only knew all the things I knew.
And so you guys know .. I know where his truck is. I have for months. Which is why it's been so hard for me to keep quiet about stuff. Because I've had hard proof he was lying.
Sometimes in life you need for a limited period of time to accept something to gain something. Dealing with a WH is like playing chess, you need to know when and where to move your pieces. Acting/thinking versus reacting...
I am fully to set up and enforcing boundaries, but right now, their situation is "really bad", he moved out already, so the main goal is to deflate some of the anger he has in regard of his relationship with TO. There is not way to "re-attrack someone" when anger is at its peak. This is an emergency crisis, so the more he is "willing" to come over and the more positive is that experience for him, its always a step forward in favor of the family bond. That's why DB is about detaching and "acting as a friend" versus nagging, begging and being overly critical. The goal is to reverse the scale from negative to neutral then to positive.
Also, the more he will come over, the more "unhappy" Ow might become. An unhappy OW is not full fantasy anymore.
100% agree.
If WAH was showing interest in recommitting to a marriage or moving back in or sleeping in the same bed, then YES, a conversation would need to be had. As is, I don't think that's the point to focus on.
There is positive and there is negative in this situation. Focusing on the negative just creates more disapproval and anger. Regardless of what he's doing that's just going to further prove to him that it doesn't matter what he does, it isn't good enough. I can already hear in his mind "You asked me to come over and help with the kids, I came over and did what I could, but all I do is get yelled at because you think I'm talking to some other woman, I'm only talking to her because I need to talk to someone that sees something good in me so I don't go absolutely crazy..."
So I applaud your decision to let the texting go at this moment. There is no reason to bring up any topics of disapproval, topics regarding you and him, or anything that would indicate you are trying to control his behavior.
Just let him enjoy the children in a pressure free laid back home filled with love. And if you can very subtly affirm the positive behavior, even if you feel like it's 1%, do that.
Regardless of the future you want to have an amicable relationship and a father for your children. This approach will achieve that. The rest isn't to be determined today and is gravy because you WILL be ok.
Great job T0.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Well last night didn't go as planned. The baby was crying g so much he took him in the car for a ride. He was visibly frustrated. He looks so miserable. Even my dad said when H came by he is so checked out and looks so miserable. He said it's like we are repeating history because this is exactly how he was last time. Anyway he brought me the baby at 1230 after he got back from driving him around... the baby woke up by 1245 and was up until 130 fussing. Then woke up at 3 and 5 to eat. H didn't get up and I didn't bring the baby out there. I figured it was the first night so I wasn't going to be crazy but if he comes back again I will give him the baby each time he wakes.
I sent H a text this morning 'thanks for staying'. Figured I should be appreciative even if it's him doing what he's supposed to.
I'm REALLY struggling today saying nothing about the boss daughter. They have been texting non stop since the concert Saturday. Now I'm wondering if they were talking via FB this whole time and waiting until he left to start talking on the phone bill this way he can say nothing happened til after I left. That's exactly what he did last time. He was talking to OW then once he left they started talking after and he said ya nothing happened til after I left.
So writing here helps me say nothing because you lovely people advise me so well but I would be lying if I said I didn't want to tell him listen I know what you're doing. Living with your boss and staying there to be with her daughter just like last time. I also want to text his boss - what kind of mom and woman allows that. I mean I just don't get it. Regardless of whatever story he tells them we have a newborn.
I think you handled it perfectly. Even if it is his night watching the baby there is nothing wrong with helping out a little. He is just easing into this.
Of course you feel like saying something to WAH about the messaging and everything else. It is a natural reaction to the hurtful things he is doing. You want him to know how you are hurting so he stops hurting you at best or feels guilty and suffers for the pain he's causing at worst.
So- why don't you think it's a good idea to lay into your WAH? What are all of the reasons you aren't going to do that?
I could tell you mine, but I think it would be a golden idea to write in a post your reasons. When you prepare for a job interview you think of questions you'll be asked and be prepared with good answers. Well, you know you're going to feel this way again and again in the future. It might behoove you to rehearse your reasons why you're not going to act on these feelings so you don't have a moment of weakness and interfere with the dust settling.
Thoughts?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
My reasons to tell him would be that he knows he's not fooling anyone and that he is. It going to say LIKE LAST TIME that it didn't Happen until months after he left. That my gut feeling was right. That that is why he couldn't try for OUR marriage because he was too enthralled with someone else.
The reasons why I wouldn't say it - would it change anything? This M is over and I'll be receiving D papers if this continues to mimic the last time we went through this. I really don't know why it makes sense not to say anything. Because it will make him angry? It will give him more reason to hate me then he already does. Everything is already my fault. You should see the way he looked at me last night. First he can barely make eye contact and when he does make eye contact it's looking at me with such disgust. At this point am I really saving this M? No one in my life supports it. TBH the only reason I think I'm still here is because I want my kids to have their family together and I don't want to share them. Yes I do love H. BUT he doesn't love me. How would I live my life with every job wondering what female may tempt him? That oh have I give him enough attention so that he isn't noticing someone else.
I always told him he was such a nice guy and sometimes women take that as him meaning it flirtatious vs him just being helpful. He is so helpful and almost too nice to my female friends but we all know him. So I can imagine how a stranger that doesn't know him takes his attention of being helpful.
Anyway I guess this has gotten off track. I'm angry right now. He texts and asks what the boys are doing. Last week he had said he would come here every night. I said they were hanging out and we were thinking of going to a movie later. I asked what time he would be here because we would go to the 10pm movie. Now he says he has to work late. Which by the way. He's not even at work.
It's frustrating that he used to stay at work until 8pm and come home Late and now that he's left he's out by 5.
I'm angry that he can go from kissing my ILY sleeping next to me holding my hand while we sleep to erasing me from his life. He just leaves and wants nothing to do with me. My feelings are hurt. I feel like [censored] about myself. Why am I not good enough? Why is our family not enough?
Well I made it through another day of saying nothing.
I came so close to responding to him when he was texting me with lies that I knew it was lies but I text my mom my response instead.
He text asking what movie the boys were seeing. I said that we we're not going til late so he could swing by. My mom had already drove by where he's staying and saw that he was there with the boss and the daughter. He responded that he was still at work and was leaving there in 30 minutes had 2 big jobs and it would be late but that he would come spend the night tomorrow night.... I just never replied.
I wanted to tell him hes the only one that believes his lies.
It is so frustrating to be gone all day at school and come home and do this alone while he's doing whatever he wants and comes and goes as he pleases. It hurts me for my boys that he would rather sit with the boss and her daughter than see his 3 boys.
I do think it would help to be able to answer that question. Because first you have to get out your anger, then reach a spot of (temporary) calm. Then, when you feel you have transcended your emotional reactions and you are seeing things clearly from your 'best self', from a perspective that aligns with your beliefs about who you are and the type of person you want to be, then you can write out the answers to this question. And by doing that you'll better remember it for next time anger overwhelms you, and it can guide you through the confusion of emotions.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I do want to get to a place of calm. I asked my dad today how to do that. When will I be there. Because right now I am so angry hurt and upset I could scream. I feel so robbed of the end of my pregnancy, the time with my boys this baby etc.
I would have supported him through whatever he needed but he couldn't commit. It feels like a slap in the face to see him texting other females. I want to let go of these feelings. I don't want to feel this way.
I had the boys call tonight. I didn't get on the phone. He sent me a few texts asking what we were doing, how was the baby, thanks for having the boys call. Then telling me goodnight. I didn't respond to anything except telling him the baby was good
I feel like he's having some guilty feelings for lying or that he's just lonely and maybe is sitting there alone. I made sure to post a picture on fb of the boys and I having family game night.
Who knows if that's why he's reaching out and I want to be at a point where I say more importantly who cares. I would hope it was him softening but the fact that he lied about being at work when he was really at his boss house makes me know that's not true.
I have a girlfriend coming out tomorrow to spend some time with the boys and I. We are going to just hang at the beach. Then her and I are having drinks and dinner. H said he was spending the night tomorrow night so I'll let him know tomorrow I'll be going out for a bit.
