Here again part 7

[Train]

If you were in touch with yourself right now, then you wouldn't need to FIND yourself. Finding yourself means working every day to find the authentic T ... the one that you've let go. The one that H has crapped on.

You start with remembering things you're good at ... things you like about yourself. You identify the crummy ways you feel, and you come up with a plan of action to tackle them. Just a little at a time. Baby steps. And in front of H, you fake contentment until you make it.

You'll feel SO much better after a couple weeks at the gym! Wear clothes that make you feel good about yourself, too! Throw on some mascara and nail polish and earrings! Even if you're not feeling it! (I wouldn't ask you to do something I hadn't done myself. Just trust me!) Get a new haircut!

I think one reason you're feeling so down on yourself is because you've handed all the power over to H the past while. The C told you to essentially be complacent and to do things like kiss H and tell him you love him. I, personally, disagree with that advice. But you tried it. And, as most of us here could have predicted, it didn't work. And now YOU feel even MORE rejected because you put yourself out there like that for H just to continue treating you like garbage, and he ultimately left anyway.

As you know, I think DB can only work in an EA/PA situation when the A has first been busted. You would do that in two totally different ways. (But not even DB recommends saying ILY, showing affection, etc. when a spouse has announced they're unhappy and considering leaving the M.)

My advice would be to respect yourself and your family. If H is texting OW, tell him to stop doing that in the family home. And if he is unwilling to stop, tell him to leave until he can be respectful enough to knock it off when he's under the same roof as you and the kids. If he says he isn't texting OW, put your hand up and say: "Enough, H. You and I BOTH know what you're doing. It's disrespectful to me, our marriage and our family."

Be firm and decisive. And FOLLOW THROUGH. Drop your fear.

Demanding respect in your home is not controlling. To the contrary, it is putting it out there that you will not share your H. You respect your H and your M too much to do that.

At the same time, remember to use "carrots and sticks." If H is doing something that is good, do as Z said: pay him a genuine compliment. But do it as you're smiling and breezing by. No expectations and no waiting around for a reply.

You may not be ready to do that last part. And if you try to compliment him while you're moping around, it will smack of desperation and ridiculousness. So until you can pull-off confidence and apparent-detachment, maybe don't try the compliment thing.