Here again part 7

[BluWave]

(((T0)))

I am sorry this is happening. I wish I had some great words of advice or wisdom for you. It must be so hard with all you have on your plate: 3 kids, a newborn, postpartum hormones, grad school, and the constant stress of H, is more than anyone could handle. I think even if you feel you can do it all, there might be a compromise some where, and I would rather that be your choice, not a consequence of the circumstances. As you know being a nurse, stress and all that comes with it is very dangerous for your health. I fear you are under tremendous stress (including lack of sleep).

I like how 25 put it: what advice would your past self tell your present day self? It is very hard to make decisions when you are in the thick of it; you are in pain, spinning, and it may be too much to make sense of anything. Think about yourself at a time when you felt strong and confident. What would she say to do? Hang in there. Rely on the safe and loving people right now as much as you can.

Blu

[Train]

T,

It's time for you to start working on your own self-confidence. The baby is here now. Forget H and what he's doing. Start thinking about yourself and what YOU need to do.

Do you remember what he was attracted to last time? Same thing most all men are attracted to: a self-confident, assured girl who had *dropped the rope* and was moving right on without him and was lookin' fiiiiiiine and laughing with new people when he saw her at ball games.

Mmhmm. See? I remember!

You ask if history is repeating itself. Maybe. You've both found yourselves right back in the rut that landed you here last time.

You can't pull his head out of his rear, but you CAN start working on you. And I know you're strapped for time. But in the time you've been finding to think about H, you could take a power-walk ... join an exercise class ... buy a new outfit ... get a mani/pedi ... something ... ANYTHING ... to help you feel back to that good ol', strong T that I *KNOW* is in there.

What you're dealing with isn't fair. But it's still happening, whether it's fair or not. It's time to pull yourself up by those bootstraps and DO WHAT WORKS. Even if H doesn't come to his senses, you will come to YOURS. And that's where we need you right now. That's where you need yourSELF.

C'mon, T. I know you can do this.

Every day, check in here to let us know what you're doing to feel better in your own skin. Notice something you love about yourself and list it. Every, single day! Deal?

[T384]

I don't know how to find ME right now. I feel so down and gross and just rejected.

I don't say that to come off as I'm feeling sorry for myself. It's just how I feel right now. I'm going to start going to the gym.

H is here right now and offered to stay the night tonight and Wednesday to watch the baby. BUT what do I do about him texting OW while he's here. I don't want to tolerate him being here doing that while he's in our home. Not sure how I say that or enforce that boundary without coming off controlling.

Anyway I'm just staying in my room doing homework. I said hey when he got here and he asked about something for the boys but that was it.

He and my mom talked on the phone tonight. She called me and said that H called her on the way over. He told her he didn't know what he was doing. She didn't ask. She just said she wanted him to know if he needed a place to stay he was welcome at her house and it would be a place he could take the boys. He just told her thank you and that he loved her and that he wasn't sure what he was doing. He left because he needed space and felt like all I was doing was pushing him.

I told her believe none of what he says. I know too well how it turned out before

[Train]

If you were in touch with yourself right now, then you wouldn't need to FIND yourself. Finding yourself means working every day to find the authentic T ... the one that you've let go. The one that H has crapped on.

You start with remembering things you're good at ... things you like about yourself. You identify the crummy ways you feel, and you come up with a plan of action to tackle them. Just a little at a time. Baby steps. And in front of H, you fake contentment until you make it.

You'll feel SO much better after a couple weeks at the gym! Wear clothes that make you feel good about yourself, too! Throw on some mascara and nail polish and earrings! Even if you're not feeling it! (I wouldn't ask you to do something I hadn't done myself. Just trust me!) Get a new haircut!

I think one reason you're feeling so down on yourself is because you've handed all the power over to H the past while. The C told you to essentially be complacent and to do things like kiss H and tell him you love him. I, personally, disagree with that advice. But you tried it. And, as most of us here could have predicted, it didn't work. And now YOU feel even MORE rejected because you put yourself out there like that for H just to continue treating you like garbage, and he ultimately left anyway.

As you know, I think DB can only work in an EA/PA situation when the A has first been busted. You would do that in two totally different ways. (But not even DB recommends saying ILY, showing affection, etc. when a spouse has announced they're unhappy and considering leaving the M.)

My advice would be to respect yourself and your family. If H is texting OW, tell him to stop doing that in the family home. And if he is unwilling to stop, tell him to leave until he can be respectful enough to knock it off when he's under the same roof as you and the kids. If he says he isn't texting OW, put your hand up and say: "Enough, H. You and I BOTH know what you're doing. It's disrespectful to me, our marriage and our family."

Be firm and decisive. And FOLLOW THROUGH. Drop your fear.

Demanding respect in your home is not controlling. To the contrary, it is putting it out there that you will not share your H. You respect your H and your M too much to do that.

At the same time, remember to use "carrots and sticks." If H is doing something that is good, do as Z said: pay him a genuine compliment. But do it as you're smiling and breezing by. No expectations and no waiting around for a reply.

You may not be ready to do that last part. And if you try to compliment him while you're moping around, it will smack of desperation and ridiculousness. So until you can pull-off confidence and apparent-detachment, maybe don't try the compliment thing.

[T384]

Train-

When he's here do I stay in my room and do my homework and just let him sit in the living room with the baby? Or do I go out there and make conversation? Also if I know he's texting this OW do I say anything?

Just trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing

[Train]

We cross-posted. Head back up to see my suggestions on him texting OW.

I certainly wouldn't keep myself locked up in a room in my own house. But I also wouldn't start a convo with H unless you can think of something to talk about that's not about your R or family ... and you can smile and act detached.

Do not talk about anything that seems heavy or burdensome. That takes work off the table. And the baby's sleep schedule.

I know those are the reasons you need help. And while I'm mad as he1l that he isn't there to help you with those things, I don't want you for even a SECOND to let that boy see you sweat! A damsel in distress is not attractive, no matter what the fairy tales told us.

You, my dear, truly DON'T need rescuing. You are MORE than capable of handling anything thrown at you.

BELIEVE it!

[skyhigh]

To,

Your worth is not determined by him but by you. It took me a while to get it. MLCs are attracted to OW for how they make them feel not for what they look, it took me a while to understand that concept but that's true. They love the feeling of having their ego being stroked and having the fantasy of rewriting themselves under a much better light. Your are reality, she is fantasy. Usually fantasy starts to fade when they are facing reality (major decisions and daily life). The more you will fight, the more you will push him toward her, in his MLC mind he sees you as the cause of his unhappiness even if it's not true. Remove from him any causes of arguments (see the detachment thread).
Did you read it? That's the basic of DB. Sorry to insist on it.
I might suggest of saying anything about the texting, he is here with you not with her, don't start an argument even if you are right.

[25yearsmlc]

Train-

When he's here do I stay in my room and do my homework

Not to confuse you or conflict with others advice - but you DO HAVE to do this homework, right? Can that be your only priority when you have a sitter (your h) there?

For now??

You want to fix it all - but you cannot right now.


and just let him sit in the living room with the baby? Or do I go out there and make conversation? Also if I know he's texting this OW do I say anything?

3 questions ^^ about how you should react to HIM...T0, see this^^ please.

[Train]

Let me just say this: to each his/her own, but there is no way on God's green earth that I would tolerate my H sitting in our family home, texting the OW who is threatening my M and my family. (*Especially* right after I had birthed our third child!) Gee, there is truly nothing I can think of that would be worth dealing with that level of in-your-face disrespect.

T, I don't see you allowing that, thankfully. But I would encourage you to handle this tactfully and not take on the controlling angle that you oftentimes do. There's a difference in being controlling (trying to control others' behavior) and setting boundaries (telling someone what you will or won't allow in your life).

Draw your circle around you and your babies. You want H to eventually be in that circle, too. But while he's making hurtful decisions that are harmful for and to your family, you have to kinda keep him outside of it to protect yourself and your children.

There are some things that we want in tact at the end of this. Our dignity is one of the most pressing among them.

[25yearsmlc]

I would give different advice if you did not have a newborn baby to care for and had not just given birth (hormones/lack of sleep), and if you had less on your plate, and no weirdo dishonest h,

and if you were calmer.

T0, I also think you'd be calmer if you did not have these^^^ circumstances.

But you Do have these. They are so lousy & so unfair and yet they are real.

So maybe figure out Plan A for the short term needs. Not what you wish, Not what you fear ("don't want to be divorced..." etc) Just what you need right now.

If things settle down between you two, great!!

If there is still uncertainty that As you go along with Plan A, you figure out Plan B...for the long term. (Assume for Plan B, that your h is gone.)

IMO, which may vary from others, I would not give a rat's a$$ about an OW now, until some of the stressful factors above are addressed.

Because you need him at home with you as much as possible now - until you get Plan B formed & in place.

I'm not saying there's no hope. I am saying that Plan A would be STFU for now and get the other stuff on your plate, handled and Off the plate,

then go from there.

Plan B is for Future T0 to worry about.

Plan A is for T0 today/tonight and this week.

Time will show you the truth and if need be, Plan B will be revealed.