Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 10

[PsySara]

Wow! I've been MIA recently, apologies to anyone still following my thread. So updates:

I've continued to just let go of the rope and detach from WH. He in turn became more withdrawn. I moved us into our new house and did 90% of all the work myself. After everything was unpacked and sorted I asked for a talk. WH and I have agreed to schedule talks ahead of time so the other doesn't feel blindsided. I straight up asked WH where we were in the state of our marriage. He said he loves me, even thinks he may be in love with me but he still feels he has to work at it every day. I told him I was feeling about done with us and that I was very unhappy with our marriage. I told him I still didn't feel like he was 100% in our marriage and that I can't feel safe with him. I told him I would probably start the divorce process at the end of the month. He showed no emotion and basically said it was my choice.

The next two days I felt relief and made it clear with WH I was done. Strangely enough he started approaching me and mentioning how much he appreciated me, how beautiful I am and how he was starting to realize what he was about to lose. I was laid back and easy with him, there just wasn't any pressure anymore. The more detached I became the more he pursued me. He started texting me, asking about m work day, spending time to talk with me. In short, speaking my LL which is Quality Time.

He doesn't know this but I have decided to hold off on the D proceedings. The jury is still out because I am looking for consistency but he has started to look at me differently since the whole A thing happened. I catch him looking at me when I am occupied, he will sometimes start to comment about how much he is starting to realize what he has in me but quickly catches himself and looks pained. I no longer react or watch his emotional barometer.

If I had a time machine and could do things all over again I would have detached much more effectively. I have come to realize that my desire to "make him get it" was really about my desire to have the illusion of control. The fact is, we can't control others, we have to let them make their own mistakes. We have to stop attaching our sense of worth and happiness off their opinions and screw ups. My WH cheated because deep down he does not have adult coping mechanisms. The other night he admitted he had an affair just to "feel happy" but it ended up making him feel worse. He tells me he barely thinks of the affair anymore, I told him it crosses my mind everyday. He says that's because I was so hurt and betrayed, he fully admitted he would never feel what I felt but that was impossible. All he could do was do better.

WH and I had lunch today. I find we joke a lot now, we don't have to fill our time with stuff. We don't have to struggle to understand every.single.thing about each other. We can just be. I still have ups and downs when something triggers me but I have learned to start self soothing. Will WH ever be part of that healing? I am not sure. For now I don't trust him with my heart yet. I may end up being one of those people who can't "get over" the affair. If so then I will simply move forward alone.