WH came back. Piecing. Past the 2 year mark ...

[25yearsmlc]

25,

I have watched that TED Talk several times. I find it depressing. Maybe I am a hopeless romantic, but I like the idea of someone only having eyes for me. I am so monogamous in my thinking, so it's hard to understand. That also makes the forgiveness piece more complicated for me.

I think I do understand this^^.

My h swore, quite convincingly that he 'never cheated." That mattered to me b/c I felt we were both fundamentally loyal to each other even with conflicts.

And even as I see mountains of evidence to the contrary, a part of me still believes him...

Because I want to, and b/c I was faithful to him (though sorely tempted earlier in the m).

There is a crack in the windshield and fears that it will shatter in my face. I'm not sure how I'd get past that if I were in the situation.

OTOH the things I did wrong in our m are things I never would have expected me to do and I'm not positive how h sees those flaws.

(Actually I'm positive he sees them as glaring justifications for his behavior, come to think of it).

Anyhow there are 2 videos/TED talks of hers, but the one I saw made me believe some couples could get past an A and create a deeper connection, and even thrive.

I will not say if I could be in a restored m like that, a lot would depend on the circumstances & underlying crap, & his accountability, etc. I'm saying her research shows it can be done. I don't believe every success story is lying to her.



I just cannot see or understand how people moving through peicing, after an A, and working through this type of betrayal can have a better M than before. How??? Is that true? Have I just not given it enough time?

what have you tried/read done?


I liked what we had before and who I thought he was.


well, that guy went away and in his place is another guy who is a lot like your h,

Turns out, The h you idealized is actually very flawed. Like a lot of us.

Do you Want the idealized superman who may never have been real,

or the human man in front of you, who also happens to be the father of your chldren and shares a lot of history?




I know you are going to tell me "no" because Retrouvaille is on the back burner. No, I have not finished the post sessions and right now I don't even want to. I have been thinking more and more about separation. Everything has changed in the past several weeks. Even having had that genuine and solid glimmer of hope does not motivate me.

I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like had he never come back. And it's not that I don't think it COULD work, it's that I don't know if this is what I want anymore.

It is starting to feel as if too much has happened, and too much has changed, and I ask myself "why?" Why am I so committed to this man and this M? I don't say this out of fear, anger, or emotions. I just have been thinking lately about my life and what kind of person I want to share it with. I don't know if he is that person.


okay...I hear this^^. Question - what if you sep and then there is no other man in your life from this day forward? Is being alone better than being with the father of your children & with whom you have so much history? Or do you have someone else - real or fantasy - in mind? What if he is your only option?



I don't ask this^^ as a woman who hates being alone. I ask this as a contemporary & supporter of yours.


So after the betrayal, all those little things that didn't matter so much, now have me thinking second, third, and fourth thoughts about him.

The things have that have been coming up [b](big and small) just feel like deal breakers. They are telling about fundamentally who he is. Or are they? I can't say right now. I can't.

not super clear...so, for example....are you saying the little "semi selfish" or thoughtless things he did before, that you were willing to accept - on the whole - now seem bigger? Not worth it?

OR are there some other negatives you once would let slide, that now are accumulating and or are you seeing more of them?



So here I am--the one that has the returned and remorseful H, and honestly I question it all. The only thing that gives me pause is that I understand that decisions take time. Big decisions deserve time, processing, thinking, and then a little more time.

I am not in a good place right now...
Blu

((( )))

One - anecdote that may resonate. Years ago a friend was at a workshop with me. (The EE workshop as a matter of fact). Her name is Carol and she had lost a young child some months earlier. Yet she seemed sort of "at peace" for lack of a better phrase.

I was 6-7 months pregnant at the time, & Carol's loss was utterly terrifying to me.

I finally admitted that the idea of her beautiful life being "all ruined' by the loss of a young child was too much for me to comprehend. It was beyond my ken.

But Carol is one of those Zen people who seem to have such resilience and inner contentment that I just liked being around her. Yet I was so uncomfortable, I had to ask her how on earth she was dealing with it.

I said that to me, her loss would be like a beautiful painting that someone had thrown red paint on and now this painting, i.e. her "Life", could never be beautiful again. Not with that horrible stain.

So she turns and says "Oh I see life more like a tapestry. Up close you can see the stains and frayed threads, or you can see all the textures and variations woven in,

But when you step back you can still see that on the whole, it's quite beautiful."

Maybe your m is a tapestry, Blu.