Try, just for one second, to see it from my perspective. For years and years I begged you to help me with things and you wouldn't
Yeah, Michele talks about this in her books but to an H this just looks like nagging. The W thinks she's asking for help, but she's doing it in a way that looks like a personal attack to the H. The H's response is to shut down and block her out. So she tries even harder (IE, yells louder) which just makes him shut down that much more. Eventually she gives up and plans her escape. The H sees the newfound peace as a GOOD sign, things must be better since she stopped complaining! So BD comes as a really rude surprise.
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and now that it's too late you want to be Mr. Helpful and expect me not to be resentful. For years we didn't speak, at home or by text, and now you start sending me a million texts with jokes and smileys like everything is fine and we're friends. It's infuriating. It feels from my side like such a fake act.
Right, once BD happens we realize that wow, she really is serious this time! I better do something! And what we do is 100% genuine, we really do want to work hard to save the M and would have before had we known they were serious and not just nagging us. But to them it's "too little too late".
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You can't continue to act like everything is fine and expect me not to feel angry?
This is why DB'ing pushes for NC. Because there is literally nothing the LBS can say that won't get a negative spin from the WAS. Say something mean and she thinks "yup, he's still so bitter and angry, I need to leave." Say something nice and she thinks "he's being so fake, just trying tricks to get me back." Silence on the other hand, makes her think "what is he doing? Why did he suddenly go silent? It should make me happy that he's leaving me alone, but why doesn't it?"
