I sat there and listened as my W berated me, my family and the problems in our MR. Now she did state that she recognised all the changes in me. But claimed it wasn't enough, because it didn't really bring up too many romantic feelings.
^^THIS is why Michele says no R talks!! It never, ever goes the LBS’s way. It almost always ends up being the WAS’s gripe session, an opportunity to drag out a laundry list of the LBS’s faults. For the WAS it just reaffirms their belief that leaving is the right thing to do. It’s also why MC is a bad idea early on.
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I stated that it was hard to bring up feelings when you won't allow me to do anything to draw up those feelings. Told W your looking for feelings when you have a wall up to me.
Don’t argue/ beg/ plead/ explain/ reason/ justify. Just LISTEN and VALIDATE. See this thread for great examples of validation:
So I began going through varies reasons why I wanted her. And everything I said was basically turned against me. Because in W mind those interpreted to her was me controlling her.
EXACTLY!!! To her it just looks like “more of the same” behavior. So what would be a future 180 for you on that?
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At this point, I refuse to be with a person who's mommy and daddy issues are so bad. That I have to consider every word that comes out my mouth.
Doesn’t sound like mommy/ daddy issues to me, this is pretty typical of a WAS. This is how she sees things, and if you want a chance at R, you need to see things from her perspective. And yes, you DO need to consider EVERY word that comes out of your mouth. Are you familiar with Sandi’s 37 rules? That’s basically what they are- rules for how to act, what to say and what not to say when dealing with a WAS. You broke many of them!
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Then she claimed to wanting to hear what I thought about everything. So I talked my role in messing up this relationship. And also addressed her role as well. My W admitted that she has flaws, but when I mentioned what those flaws were she denied everyone one of them. So pretty much I was the only one in this conversation who admitted to their mistakes. I brought up all the things that my family has done for us over the years. Which she actually acknowledged were true. And how I have done so much more for her family, while she she openly refused to do things for mine. She got mad, but when I presented her with examples. W admitted that I did do all those things. That's when she admitted that I was a good man and did do a lot of great things in the MR.
I’m guessing this too is “more of the same” behavior for you. If you say “I did x, y and z wrong, but here’s a laundry list of everything YOU did wrong” then how do you expect her to receive that? It’s your job to own what YOU did wrong and let HER own what SHE did wrong, if she chooses to do so (which most WAS's will not do with the LBS). What you did is controlling behavior even though I know you don’t see it that way. But she does.
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But I at this moment, I'm going to continue with detaching and focusing on S13.
Honestly if you’re having these type of R convos with your W then I’m pretty sure you haven’t even started detaching. It’s tough when you’re under the same roof, but you’ve got to figure out how to give her time and space. And the R talks have got to stop, I hope you realize they’re just making your sitch worse.
