I read through your thread; it's pretty fascinating. I am sorry you find yourself here. I am impressed with your motivation to save your M. You are getting some great feedback/questions and I would agree with the direction the posters are trying to point you in. I sense a bit of resistance from you. I hope you know these guys are not trying to challenge you, but more so mold your way of thinking to benefit you. I don't want to repeat the same things, so I am going to let you know about my sitch to highlight the message that I think they are trying to get across.
My H followed the said proven stages of limerance according to you. He had an EA for about 8 mos (high infatuation), both separated from spouses (both had kids), they had a full PA for about 10 mos, they had their fantasy R (entered a chitty reality), crash & burn, therefore he "snapped out of it," did a fairly sharp 180, came back with all the remorse, and we have been piecing for over 2 years. Textbook? Science? Luck? I have no idea. The OW went on to her next OM as soon as my H left her. My sense about it was that she used my H as an exit A and that my H was depressed/vulnerable to an A with our M (and family) hardships at that time. Others that believe in MLC could argue a MLC, and argue it well based on his behaviors. I don't think it makes a difference.
This is what I do know. His father did the exact same thing several years before and the situations/time-line are almost identical. I was terrible at DB and did "not pave the way," "keep the bridge safe," or give him a reason to even want to come back. I was furious, heartbroken, and a raging B-T-H! I punished him every chance I got. And guess what? He still came back. Some of it was simply circumstantial. I reached a point where I gave up: I was mentally exhausted, I wanted to let go, and so I started to plan a life without him. I don't know that my behavior changed all that much, but he sensed the change immediately. HE REALIZED HE WAS LOSING ME. That happened at the same time he reached stage 10 or whatever (in the limerance theory you discuss) and it was the straw that broke the camel's back.
So here is the thing. While there are so many similarities in our stories (and limerance), there are just as many differences or more. You are waiting for your W's A to fall apart and she knows it. As long as you manintain yourself as her solid plan B, I don't think she will learn to respect you or even want to come back. Even if the A runs it's course, she may not. I think most women don't. So that is why everyone is telling you to let her go and focus on you. Really and truly let go of her! Trust us please, this woman knows you are sitting there waiting for her. Stop it now. That may be your only hope. Plus, if you can GAL without the goal of the M, you are well more prepared for a future without her.
You can do this. Shift your thinking a bit and remove yourself from plan B. Plus, you deserve better than that. Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
