First time here, part 3

[leahsue]

I need advice.
The only update is that after he texted and said he'd help, he did call Friday afternoon on his way home from work. We talked a little about family things (extended family of both) just catching up on everyone's latest news. Very friendly conversation. He said, If you don't mind my asking, where are you going on your trip in July? I told him to WA to help D get settled in their new home/job. He was all excited for D and wanted to know all the news about new job, etc. He asked when is my trip, I told him July 17. He said, well I'm SURE I will be able to visit you before then, but I don't mind going ahead and shipping the things you need for your trip. I said, yes please, just go ahead and ship. (B/C in my head I am thinking, I will not ever depend on your visits to be reliable, since you've now postponed 4 times.) I did not ask when he has rescheduled visit for. (More on that in a sec.)

He asked for a list of things I need him to ship, and I suggested that when he is at the apt. and has a bit of free time, that he call me and we can kind of "go through my closet" while on the phone and I can tell him. (It's hard to even remember what summer clothes I have there, since I haven't been there since December, and they were all packed up at the time.....) He said that sounds great, that he would call Saturday morning and we could do that.

Saturday morning I got last minute invite to attend a day long music festival downtown, so I texted him and told him that, and gave him about 10 items that he could pack up and send, or if he'd rather wait until we could do it on the phone, that was fine. I wished him a happy FD, and said, You are a great daddy, and I hope you have the best FD ever.

While I was at the festival, my phone battery died, so when I got in about 10 pm and plugged it, I saw he had called about 6. Since it was 11 his time, I just texted and said I saw you called, sorry I missed it, hope you're having a good w'end with the kids. (He was staying overnight at SS and wife's for FD and grilling out.)

I did not hear from him yesterday, nor did I try to call or text him. I don't know if he got my things to ship, or is going to wait until we can go over it on the phone. Last night I got a copied email in my email showing his change in itinerary from flight moved from today, to July 10-17. Remember, he doesn't know I get these copied emails.

So here's where I need advice.
My birthday is a week from today, June 26. Then the next week begins 4th of July holiday, where he will get several days off. So he's skipped over both of those things, to book his trip for July 10, which is on a Monday, knowing I leave for WA the following Monday, the same day he's booked his return flight to NY. (All this without mentioning any of these plans to me.)
I texted him this morning and said, Are you planning to come for my birthday? Or maybe 4th of July?

First of all, he may not respond. Which would be the norm. But if he does, and says no, he is not coming until July 10, my heart tells me to end this back and forth joke about a visit. I am SO TIRED of planning, waiting, then he postpones, doing it all again, since EASTER WEEKEND!! I've spent the last 2 months doing that, and now another 3 weeks, and there's a high probability he will postpone again on July 10. Right now, my WA trip is set for July 17-25. He turns 50 on July 25. A big birthday.

I feel like I will lose my mind if this back and forth keeps up. In my heart, I know that if he wanted to see me, he would make it happen. No meetings, deadlines, any other work thing should be preventing us from seeing each other. I know he prefers to come here. But if he wanted to see me, he could say, since I can't get away from work right now, why don't you come here for the weekend? He's told his sister, I miss L. I love L. I'm just afraid I've paid too high a sacrifice for this job.

I'm sorry, as much as I want to believe what he tells her, this is not what LOVING AND MISSING LEAH look like. His actions do not match his words. And his words aren't even said to me, but to his sister, who he very much wants to please, and not have her yell and scream, b/c he knows she wants us together.

I believe the best thing to help me further detach, is for me not to be counting on a visit. I've said both to myself, and to my concerned loved ones, I'm not giving up on us until I at least see him face to face. I think I will know so much more when that happens.

But I don't know if I can keep waiting on that to happen. It's hard to move on and completely detach for me, when I feel like there could still be a chance for us.

Please tell me if I'm being blind, or too impatient. This forum, my IC, and his one sister, are the only ones left who seem to think I need to keep giving him more time to get his courage up to visit, if that's even what he's waiting on. For all I know, he could have a complete OW going full strong, because there is no way for me or his family here to know, even whether he is still wearing his wedding ring. I could hire a PI, but to what end?

Please weigh in. I am in a distraught frame of mind today. I know patience is required. I don't want to mind read. I don't want to give up too soon. But seriously, how am I to detach, when he keeps stringing me along with these planned visits? What I want to do, if he does not change his plans to be here before July 10, is to say, I don't want us to visit, for now. Maybe in the fall, let's see where we are then. (I did say that to him at postponement #2, and he ignored it, and kept his plans to come.) So I can say that all day long, and he may ignore it and hope I'll change my mind by the time his next visit date rolls around, which is exactly what I did. If I say that again, I have to mean it. And just go out of town while he's in AL. Which might put the nail in the coffin. But at this point, at least it's a PLAN. And I can see myself moving more toward detachment, without this constant tug of war on my heart.
I don't mean to sound so negative. I know most of the people on this forum would kill to have WAS planning a visit, even if it just kept getting postponed..... but it's not as easy as it looks to be standing here waiting. It's feeling more and more like he just can't end this marriage, but doesn't want to work on it either.

I feel like I'm losing it.