I thought it was really over. I thought *I* was done. I thought W was going to live her life and I was going to live mine. I THOUGHT I was ready to at least go on a date, which I expected to lead nowhere. I didn't expect to find what I found, and I didn't expect W to change course.
I hear you, I did much the same thing. For what it's worth, I GREATLY regret having done that. It was about a year after BD. I started seeing a new lady, we got "serious" fairly quickly. My W suddenly wanted to go to Retrouvaille, this after a year of never once talking about reconciling. We went and we made great progress on our communications. But because I was seeing the OW it derailed my efforts to try and reconnect with W. At some point I told her that it seemed like her heart wasn't in it and did she want to quit going to the followup sessions, and she said yes. But I think it was really me who's heart wasn't in it, because of OW and my fantasy of a new, better life with her. MY fling with OW fizzled a few months later. In retrospect it was WAY too soon to get in another R, but like you I had convinced myself it was over and I was ready. But I wasn't. I should have waited another year which would have been about 2 years post BD. That sounds like a really long time, but when you're married that long it really does take you a good long while to well and truly drop the rope.
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Didn't make me feel better, made things "worse." Even if I was being used, I wouldn't change that day.
I get it, I really do. I mean that was me too, I treasured any time I could spend as a "family" with W post BD. But as we're fond of saying around here, she needs to learn to miss you. As long as you're there for her whenever she decides she wants a little of the "old life" then she's not going to miss you.
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When I started seeing C, I wasn't trying to save things anymore... I was trying to figure out how to be healthy again.
Ah, OK that makes sense then. But given where you are now, maybe it's time to change C's?
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She was 100% right. Another reason I had to leave.
Even though you're expressing confusion, you really seem to have a very good grasp on things. You understand DB principals really well and you recognize when you're on and off track. Breaking up with your GF was a VERY tough decision, but you did the right thing and you should be proud of yourself for that. I think now that you realize you want to stand for your M that you're going to feel a lot better and less confused going forward. Hang in there, you're doing great!
