The high road: rocky with a great view

[ciluzen]

So, I'm journaling again so I can later look back and remember what's happening or has happened as life moves ahead. Its going to be a novel. Warning: this is mostly about XH.

So I tend to multitask like crazy. When I paint, I usually have two or more pictures going at once. When I read (for pleasure) I usually have two or more books going at once. Right now I feel rushed to get this new/old house in order. I'm laying brick pathwys and patios, creating planters around trees (free bricks from a friend as long as I dismantle her patio and wall), got my garden in and then...there's the house.

I've been unloading my storage unit, but after filling up bookshelves in my studio realized I really need to create bookshelves in my living room. However, I wanted to paint the room. So, I ended up painting the room (it was going to just be the wall where the shelves would be), and then entry way and door needed to be painted different colors because I have cool arches in this bungalo and slight color differences enhanced that. I'm missing the ocean and doing my own "back to my roots" part of a pseudo MLC (not really...just LBS stuff) so I'm sticking with slightly seaside/mediterranean colors. Still drawing plans for the guy who is tiling my bathroom and putting in a smaller sink cabinet...which needs to get done before my mom comes to visit in August. And today I have an orientation and barbecue at the director for my master's program's house and then class starts tomorrow. I also have an art class to teach through a friend's studio...to artists. No pressure there!

Anyway, on to XH. I had told him I would need to borrow the truck a few times this summer when we were talking over beers the last time I got the truck. I arranged with his assistant (my friend) for me to drive to his apartment (two blocks from his office) to drop the truck, then she would grab me when she left work and then the two of us would go to dinner, then she could see my house (she only lives a few blocks from me, so on the way). I wanted to keep XH out of the exchange because if there was no reason for him to see me...why not? Then I got a text from him saying he would have her drop him at my place to get the truck, which I explained was him going out of his way as he was going to head north to the river house and I'm south of his office and apartment. I explained we'd already had it all figured out...all he had to do was leave work, go home and the truck would be waiting for him. He said his plan worked better? So, that happened. And he was wierd. He acted antsy, wouldn't make eye contact, kept looking past me, opened my fridge, looked around outside, paced...then asked if he had permission to go (I said "of course"). Assistant B (this will make more sense later) and I just watched him spin the whole time, then we went to dinner.

The little bit she brought up about XH was about how forgetful he was and how "Bubbles" suddenly felt free after the D to start acting as office manager (she's not) and micromanage everyone. Funny thing; wives of people in his profession for some reason are notorious for taking over practices and ticking off staff. I made it a point to be hands-off of the office and have managed to stay friends with everyone. I just had artwork there and stopped by to chat when in town, as I was encouraged to. Anyway, Bubbles was apparently out for a surgery for 2 weeks and Assistant B said everyone was overjoyed. Yes, it made me feel good to hear it...I'm a rotten person.

XH called to speak about D25 the next week...she asked him for $40 and he gave it to her, then felt that he should let me know because he "probably did the wrong thing". I didn't take the bait and explained that neither one of us got a handbook. He thought maybe she had asked me and that I had said no, but when I said she never asked, he seemed surprised. Anyway, he seems to be trying hard to co-parent our adults, but always seems ...not very confident in his actions? I try to stay light and validate...but who is this guy? I know he's realizing and working on his controlling nature, but he was almost shattered by giving her $40.

The next time I borroed the truck, I grabbed it with no H involved. He actually called me to let me know it was available as I was at an event with friends and seemed in good spirits and curious about my event...couldn't get him off of the phone. Then the next day, I got a call from D26 saying she had "the most depressing convo ever" with her dad (he had gone to a conference on the other side of the state), but only mentioned that he hated the conference, hated that city, hated everything there. I later learned while having lunch with his other assistant (Assistant A) that Bubbles came back after her surgery and was upset that everything everyone,including H, did while she was gone was wrong (I'm sure it was an exaggeration) and that he was in a bad mood because of it. Thankfully, I was spared from that, as that was the evening he called during my event and seemed happy.

So now to this weekend (if anyone's made it this far).

XH called at 2:30 as he was returning from his conference to see how I wanted to handle the truck exchange (I had it while he was gone). But he kept getting sidetracked. He talked about his conference, memories of times we'd gone to some, movies he watched, and an interview with Depak Chopra that he really enjoyed that changed the way he viewed things. THAT was mind blowing for me. Whereas we here share TED talks, websites and self help books and advice; XH seems to be spending his time doing these things,too. And for the man who has never really lived alone; who spent his youth doing all of the sports, activities and profession that his father chose; went to his father's alma mater; whose religious, social, and political beliefs were those of his father, and who to this day holds on to tractor and old car that he doesn't want or use because his father (who is 1500 miles away and will never visit) wants him to have them...sharing that he found Depak Chopra to be amazing and mind blowing...that's HUGE! I think he's really trying to figure out who he is apart from his parents...because he never has! At 53 years old, he never really rebelled or outwardly questioned how he was raised. Don't we all at some point?! His most rebellious move was to move our family 1500 miles away (his parents blamed me and XH never corrected them) and to grow a goatee (his dad still teases him horribly and nastily about it). So, after 2 1/2 hours of talk and mostly me listening, but lots of funny similarities and coincidences for these two people who were "so different" and "grew apart", it was time for me to drive the truck to his apartment and him to drive me back home.

Oh, and funny thing that stood out to me...at one point he mentioned that he "made me" sit in the passenger seat when we drove places, but immediately corrected it to "he preferred to drive". Before, he always spoke of how he "made me" do things and I would correct him saying I allowed it because I loved him. This is him trying to work out his feelings about how controlling he is and trying to not be like his dad...I KNOW this...but it leaves him unsure of how he SHOULD act. So I changed what I usually would say, and helped him...I explained that that was always perfect for me, as I prefer to ride and look out the window. I like driving well enough when I'm alone, but when with other's, especially good drivers, I was happier as a passenger. That seemed to surprise him.

On the way back to my house, he suddenly asked if I had gotten a ski pass to our ski hill. I told him my mom had gotten me one for my birthday. He then said, "I'm so sorry, but I got one to (a different resort)". I'm very proud of myself because I was so casual and able to say, "I figured you would...you basically live at the river house and its closer. I'm not a die-hard skier like you, so I'm good sticking to what's familiar. Plus my friends all go to (my resort)". He then launched into a long drawn out list of reasons about why he was switching, apologizing the whole time, which mostly had to do with bathrooms and bar at the top...told me that a certain website had tickets that were cheap. I wondered if he was hinting that I should try to go there? Anyway, I told him I started clinic in February so I wasn't sure how much time I'd have to have any kin of fun, lol.

When we pulled up to the house, he asked if he could come in and say hi to D25 (her car was out front), but then started wandering around asking me about things I'd done to the house and yard. He did eventually speak to our daughter for a few seconds. I got a hug goodbye (I instigate those), and he left.

We actually texted a few times back and forth about a craft beer I had tried that I liked. I got a picture back later of it in his basket. The next morning I wished him Happy Fathers Day, and gave him the full quote from Chopra that he was trying to remember, plus a clip on the topic. Something like "you are not just a drop in the ocean. You are the ocean within the drop itself". He seemed appreciative.

There's an earnestness about him. He really seems to be trying to figure it all out, but its like watching the tentative steps a teen or young adult takes as they try to figure out who they are and where they differ on ideas they were raised with. What does he really like? What has he convinced himself is important as opposed to what is of real importance to him? Its almost like BD was all that anger you have as a teen that propells you to seperate from your parents and make a life of your own, was delayed or suppressed in him. He jumped over it in a way. He told me once that in highschool he didn't understand why everyone was busy being immature and partying, when he just wanted to do his job (get good grades, be an Eagle Scout), get to professional school, and have a wife and kids. He really just wanted to be a married man with a good job...in high school! He even considered just taking his GED to go straight to college (no running start at the time). So his MLC has been as a rebellious teen, but with the unwanted responsibility of his own career and office and two parents with their own issues, no longer able to really guide him. For the first time ever...he really is on his own.

Its funny how this mirrors the journey we as an LBS are on. We are, as Cadet says, "given the gift of time". But in reality, we are given the gift of space. We can go back to where we left off in our growth and development. Its a do-over. What would you chose if you had it to do all over again, knowing what you know now? A theme to so many movies...although it would be nice, as in some of them, to have the youthful body back, too!

And lastly, Assistant A laughingly told me, "Can you believe this? He told me the other day, 'I really need a wife'." She said she was thinking you had one, you got rid of her. What if he approached you again? My reply to her was...we'd have to date all over again, and just like dating...it would take a long while to figure out who it is that he has now become. And, for him to find out who I am becoming, as well.