ILYBNILWY part 3

[EastTN]

W ended up trying to spend time with me again today. I said I couldn't do that because this wasn't fair to GF. W dropped another bomb on me. Father's day was pretty bad. I was more or less a zombie. Trying to go full NC with W. We'll see how I do with that. I have a horrible track record with it.

Ended things with GF. Told her everything about yesterday. And today. She tried to be supportive. She told me that of course I wanted my family, and she wouldn't expect a good man to want anything else. That if I could have W back, then of course I should do that. When I told her that I needed to learn how to be healthy again, she said she knew she couldn't help with that, but she could "hold the ladder." I don't know how I managed to say goodbye, but I did. Probably because I manged to convince myself it was the "right" thing to do. And god, do I feel awful about it.

Feeling like a bad man for hurting GF. And I have. Badly. To answer a question someone asked, GF is 28. I got called immature by DonH. The funny thing is that GF was more mature than I was by a longshot. It's how I got passed the age thing. Very relationship inexperienced, though. I'm the first man to meet her parents, among other things. I managed to not do something irrevocable, despite having the opportunity on more than one occasion. At least I can still look in the mirror about that.

Hurting badly. About both W and GF. In distinct and separate ways. My current conclusion is "not a rebound." My other conclusion is "but it was an affair."

Depressed.

[MoveFrwd]

W ended up trying to spend time with me again today. I said I couldn't do that because this wasn't fair to GF. W dropped another bomb on me.

I know Ive been quiet, but Im following along. What new bomb was dropped?

Ended things with GF.

From everything youve posted here, I think this was the best for you. Who knows....in a few months, things might be different. But I think you will have a much better long term result if you can "date yourself" for a while.



So, now, what are you going to do about W? In my opinion, your Father's Day choices undermined your own boundaries. So, I think maybe try to get a handle on them here. What are your goals for the next WEEK?

[EastTN]

Thanks for caring, Kaizen.

Walking away from GF is one of the harder things I've done in my life. I didn't want to. Still don't want to. The only reason I can is because I think it's "right" to.

Yes, my father's day choices seriously undermined my boundaries. Yes, I'm paying for that. In so many ways. I'd do it again, though. People say, "I'd give anything for just one more day." I got it. It was pretend. It was only a few hours. It hurt like hell, and still does. But I got to have my family again if only for a little while. It really was a perfect day.

Wasn't really a bomb, but felt like one. Basically everything I've accused her of, that was vehemently denied, is true. Also, despite the weeks of being told how much I was wanted (even once, "I'd send him away in a heartbeat if you wanted me") as soon as I wavered at all, made myself vulnerable, it was reiterated that she was in love with OM, blah blah blah. I was stupid and asked a question along the lines of "if you two are so crazy for each other, why haven't you seen each other in the last three months?" Got told he was supposed to come last week for his birthday (apparently his birthday was on Friday).

So I felt like my perfect day was some kind of consolation prize for her. She couldn't spend it with OM, so she spent it with me instead, eating cake. That's probably not true. It's something my head is making up to punish me. But it feels like it.

What am I going to do about W? "Hating her forever" isn't an option for me, so I'm trying to take Coconut's advice and just go full NC. I don't know if I can manage. She seems to know exactly what buttons to push.

What are my goals for the next week? To make it through the week. Somehow. I'm hurting for both W and GF.

Goal 1 is to be there for my little girl, not slack on being dad just because I've got nothing in the tank.
Goal 2 is not to contact W at all. Not respond at all.
Goal 3 is to not tell GF how much I love her, want her, miss her, and want to be with her, so forget everything I said and be mine again.
Goal 4 is to do at least one GAL activity this weekend. I'm thinking soccer, the pain will be helpful.

I don't know that I have it in me to do more than that.

The parallels to my first divorce are ridiculous. W is doing EVERYTHING 1st W did, in the same way, saying the same things in the same way, screwing with my head in the same way, trying to destroy things that I'm building in the same way. I feel like some kind of lab animal. I'm being tormented, and I don't even have the ability to understand why it's happening.

[Coconut]

You had your "perfect" day, you know it probably wasn't the best thing to do in your current sitch, but you got it. Don't discount it now, enjoy it for what it meant to you. I too kinda wish I had that one more day to look back on, but I wouldn't recommend you repeat it.

I understand that you're grieving about your lost R with gf, but I really believe you will be better for it in the future. Take your time to grieve, work through the emotions.

[Ginger1]

The parallels to my first divorce are ridiculous. W is doing EVERYTHING 1st W did, in the same way, saying the same things in the same way, screwing with my head in the same way, trying to destroy things that I'm building in the same way. I feel like some kind of lab animal. I'm being tormented, and I don't even have the ability to understand why it's happening.

This is happening because you are allowing it. You put yourself in a position where they easily cross your boundaries. She did not destroy what you building with GF. You put yourself right in that position. I get why you did it, but this is the outcome.

So, don't sit in victim mode for too long.

I am sure you know this already.... but you can't go completely NC with a child. Please be responsive and communicative regarding your child. Otherwise, no contact is best.

I also apologize in advance for poor timing and maybe projecting some of my sitch on you, but I had an R recently end because of age difference. He is 27 and I just turned 37. In the end, he could not sacrifice children of his own. I have maybe one more year left to childbear and he is not ready in a year, It was a 3 month R and we had no real issues other than this. While he was great with my D9, in the end he really didn't want to be a stepdad. He wants to build form ground up.

Does she wants kids? Are you ready to have more kids years from now?

You know when I knew I loved him? When I realized I wanted all of this for him too. I know I cannot give it. And if he came back tomorrow saying he made a mistake, I wouldn't take him back. Not because I don't want to be with him, but because I know what he truly wants in his heart. You say you love GF and letting her go is an act of love, as painful as it is.

[MoveFrwd]

Yes, my father's day choices seriously undermined my boundaries. Yes, I'm paying for that. In so many ways. I'd do it again, though. People say, "I'd give anything for just one more day."

To me, this feels so unhealthy in so many ways. She/you/D arent DYING. She is in another relationship and your "one more day" is just playing at house. To me, this one more day only makes it harder to reach your final goals.

But...whats done is done. And so be it.

So I felt like my perfect day was some kind of consolation prize for her. She couldn't spend it with OM, so she spent it with me instead, eating cake. That's probably not true.

Thi is completely true. Regardless of OM, this was incredible cake for her. Instead of spending a family holiday alone, she got to play at family, get a nice ego boost from you, and then go home and do whatever with OM.

What am I going to do about W? "Hating her forever" isn't an option for me, so I'm trying to take Coconut's advice and just go full NC. I don't know if I can manage. She seems to know exactly what buttons to push.

I dont believe this is about her. It's about you. She not manipulating you...you are allowing yourself to be manipulated. You say you are in love with someone else, yet you jumped at this opportunity to be with W and D, and compounded it by being physically and emotionally intimate. Shes keeping you attached; what can you do to detach? It isnt about love or hate; it's about your emotional independence!

My goals for this week:

1)To be there for my little girl, not slack on being dad just because I've got nothing in the tank. - specifically,
how? What are you going to do to 'be there'?

2)Not to contact W at all. Not respond at all. - If theres something about D, I think it's OK to respond. How about to not initiate any contact that isnt necessary?"

3)To not tell GF how much I love her, want her, miss her, and want to be with her, so forget everything I said and be mine again. - Good. I think NC with GF right now is best for you.

4) is to do at least one GAL activity this weekend. I'm thinking soccer, the pain will be helpful. - Also good!

The parallels to my first divorce are ridiculous. W is doing EVERYTHING 1st W did, in the same way, saying the same things in the same way, screwing with my head in the same way, trying to destroy things that I'm building in the same way. I feel like some kind of lab animal. I'm being tormented, and I don't even have the ability to understand why it's happening.

Instead of putting this on them, what if you look inward. What patterns are you exhibiting that are the same between the two divorces? How are you playing into this cycle to exhibit the same responses? What are you looking for in women that leads to the same results?

[AnotherStander]

Therapist on Friday asked "what can you possibly hope to get out of this day with W? Why are you allowing it?" My mother asked me pretty much the same question. My answer was, "have you ever said 'I would give ANYTHING for just one more day?' Well I'd give anything for just one more day with my family. No matter how much this hurts, no matter how much this sets me back, no matter what it costs me, I want this."

Can I ask why you started into a new R with GF to start with? It sounds like you jumped into a rebound to lessen the hurt of losing W. But in the process you are just hurting your GF and probably yourself too.

I got my family day... We went out and painted pottery with D, they took me to dinner, and we saw a movie (Guardians 2). It was a perfect day.

At the movie theater, W held my hand...

Did she initiate that? Pretty unusual move for a WAS, that's a nice baby step. But again, where is GF in this picture? Seems you're trying to lead a double-life.

W expressed a lot of regret over everything. Apologized for everything again. Said she doesn't know if she's really done.

How did you respond? Hopefully you listened and validated, but didn't give her open-ended promises about how you'll wait for her.

On the other hand, OM is still in the picture. W still completely wrapped up in him (though she's back to saying that they're "just friends, regardless of what happened") so that seems to be academic.

And if he is then you're letting W cake-eat. She gets to have her fling and return for dates with you when she needs her "family time". I understand your desire for "just one more day" but in the end did that extra day make you feel any better about things? Or just more confused and in turmoil?

I've been a wreck this week, and it had nothing to do with any contact with W, or any fantasy day with my family. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. I'm conflicted. I don't know what I want anymore, if I ever did. I'm wondering if I still just want W back and I can't pretend otherwise anymore. It would help if i knew what I was thinking.

I totally get that, we all went through it! Just give yourself the gift of time. You need it as much as your W. Just try and remember you don't have to sort everything out TODAY. Try and get out and GAL to get your mind off the M.

She also said that from everything I've said, GF is a great match for me, and W isn't (and probably never was) and asked me if I was willing to lose the possibilities I have with GF. I don't have an answer for that.

I'm not sure this C is the best choice for a DB'er. Doesn't sound like it. It is REAL EASY to find people to tell you to quit and move on. But is that what YOU want? Or do you want to stand? If you want to stand then surround yourself with advisors that support that.

GF is fairly unhappy right now. Points out that I basically went on a date with another woman, and it's "slightly" worse because I happen to still love that other woman. I don't really have an answer to that, either.

Do you think she is wrong?

[AnotherStander]

My apologies, I thought I was responding to the latest post but just noticed there's a whole other page that I missed!

[EastTN]

This is happening because you are allowing it. You put yourself in a position where they easily cross your boundaries. She did not destroy what you building with GF. You put yourself right in that position. I get why you did it, but this is the outcome.

Yeah, I can't really blame anyone else for my weak (GROSS understatement) boundaries. They can't do anything to me that I don't let them do. I just keep letting them. I CAN blame them for wanting to break me, though.

Does she wants kids? Are you ready to have more kids years from now?

She'd have them with the right person. So would I. I have no fear of children. I always wanted more than one. I'll be 43 in a week and a half, and that's intimidating, but I still want that. I have every belief that both of us would have checked the "right person" box for each other.

[EastTN]

You had your "perfect" day, you know it probably wasn't the best thing to do in your current sitch, but you got it. Don't discount it now, enjoy it for what it meant to you. I too kinda wish I had that one more day to look back on, but I wouldn't recommend you repeat it.

I don't plan to repeat it. I feel bad that maybe it was something other than what it looked like, but I still got it, and nothing can take away that I got to.