Walking away from GF is one of the harder things I've done in my life. I didn't want to. Still don't want to. The only reason I can is because I think it's "right" to.
Yes, my father's day choices seriously undermined my boundaries. Yes, I'm paying for that. In so many ways. I'd do it again, though. People say, "I'd give anything for just one more day." I got it. It was pretend. It was only a few hours. It hurt like hell, and still does. But I got to have my family again if only for a little while. It really was a perfect day.
Wasn't really a bomb, but felt like one. Basically everything I've accused her of, that was vehemently denied, is true. Also, despite the weeks of being told how much I was wanted (even once, "I'd send him away in a heartbeat if you wanted me") as soon as I wavered at all, made myself vulnerable, it was reiterated that she was in love with OM, blah blah blah. I was stupid and asked a question along the lines of "if you two are so crazy for each other, why haven't you seen each other in the last three months?" Got told he was supposed to come last week for his birthday (apparently his birthday was on Friday).
So I felt like my perfect day was some kind of consolation prize for her. She couldn't spend it with OM, so she spent it with me instead, eating cake. That's probably not true. It's something my head is making up to punish me. But it feels like it.
What am I going to do about W? "Hating her forever" isn't an option for me, so I'm trying to take Coconut's advice and just go full NC. I don't know if I can manage. She seems to know exactly what buttons to push.
What are my goals for the next week? To make it through the week. Somehow. I'm hurting for both W and GF.
Goal 1 is to be there for my little girl, not slack on being dad just because I've got nothing in the tank. Goal 2 is not to contact W at all. Not respond at all. Goal 3 is to not tell GF how much I love her, want her, miss her, and want to be with her, so forget everything I said and be mine again. Goal 4 is to do at least one GAL activity this weekend. I'm thinking soccer, the pain will be helpful.
I don't know that I have it in me to do more than that.
The parallels to my first divorce are ridiculous. W is doing EVERYTHING 1st W did, in the same way, saying the same things in the same way, screwing with my head in the same way, trying to destroy things that I'm building in the same way. I feel like some kind of lab animal. I'm being tormented, and I don't even have the ability to understand why it's happening.
