It's just confusing. I feel our situation is sort of fitting a lot of typical situations but they are more nuanced and complex.
My thought, your situation is following the script. It may seem more complex because you are trying to cheat the process; it's pretty consistently understood that you CANNOT work on the M while there is OM. Things are complex because you are trying to work on the M before the A is over or before either of you have worked on yourselves.
ps - I did the same thing, tried to work on my M while my WW was still in contact with OM. I snooped to find out if there was contact, every thing I found my W had a lie for, and I kept trying to work on the MR. It doesn't work. If I had to do my sitch again, I would have walked out the day I saw the texts, not said a word to her, just walked out the door and waited a couple of months before any contact. that way I could of let her do her journey without me having to see it, you can't stop the journey and I wasn't strong enough to deal with the thought of them together.
In your case, I think that's extreme, but I think you need to make a clear boundary of no open M, go dark and only interact by validating and being pleasant, and go find your own happiness.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
