sandi2: I probably am not firm but essentially I told her that if she continues to talk to him that she isn't giving saving the M a full chance. She said she isn't going to distance herself from the one person she knows here.
But I realized finally the true value of what I have read here so often: don't snoop. When I gave her space and privacy she did all of this. Now when I give her privacy I worry she is continuing it. I didn't know for sure what was going on until I started looking for answers. And what I found out devastated me. When I knew her best friend (a counselor) also knew about it and basically seemed to say that if she has set up her boundaries that she is free to do whatever she wants. That made me very upset as I trusted that person. On friday she spoke on the phone to that person and when I walked to the kitchen to grab some water I heard her talk about us and I lost it. I was basically looking for any confirmation she couldn't be trusted and of course with that approach I will only find confirmation.
So yes, I need to stop trying to push her.
The thing is her actions have been more positive when she realized just how devastated I was to find out about OM and about my inner turmoil between giving her space and not being sure what she is doing what that space. Yesterday when I was so worried I had undone all the positives she actually comforted me and said we are making great progress but that she hasn't had a whole lot of time to herself. She does have a ton of appointments and people she has to see (and as an introvert she DEFINITELY needs alone time after that...in the past I couldn't really handle that but now that I am aware of it...I shouldn't need to question what she is doing with that alone time). She texted later that she is sorry things got so heated and that it is probably because we were hungry on Friday night and instead of eating first she spoke on the phone for three-four hours...with a brief interruption by me and how we both exhausted. When she came home she said we are making great progress but we have to take baby steps. Her actions confirmed those words.
But. There are two options: either she is deceitful and if that is the case why waste my time trying to find evidence for that. Or she is in a lot of inner turmoil herself and by not giving her space I ruin every chance she feels safe around me. I know I keep saying I need to do that but I need to find ways to silence those devil voices in my head. So yes, getting out of the home, focusing on myself is important but in doing so I need to actually do something or else those voices come in.
I will bring this up to our second counseling session. This whole incident opened up demons from my past (I had zero friends, was extremely bullied, never trusted people could like me let alone the idea that I would ever be able to date a woman--> my W came along and this past decade I finally got really over some of those insecurities so when she cheated on me and lied about it I was transferred back to that little teenage boy). I told W that a lot of that is on me and how it is not her responsibility to always account for what she is doing but that progress isn't linear..sometimes unfortunately after a step forward there are set backs.
She also said she was dreading the weekend...because the past weekends things have gotten emotional. First I uncovered the affair, then the next weekend she saw him (for the most recent time), the week after she felt sick and depressed and it was when we made the counseling appointment after I told her that I want to trust her but that I am very worried about what she does with that. Then this weekend the plan on Friday was because it was raining to watch some Netflix and order pizza. When she told me she needed to call her friend I was initially okay but I started talking myself on the ledge.
So my goal this week is to be aware and extra conscious about HER fears and worries about the weekend because I noticed she seemed anxious and I saw it as deceit and dishonesty rather than a legitimate worry on her part.
It's just confusing. I feel our situation is sort of fitting a lot of typical situations but they are more nuanced and complex. She IS making an effort to be more healthier in her interactions with me but in doing so she is taking time away from her own healing. She is showing more physical affection and she is more conscious about her words towards me. I just need to INTERNALIZE and act more consistently on only exchanging positive emotions. But often it is her who tries to address the issues in the M and I try to not get too deep with that but it has been a way for us to recognize each other's needs.
=== Oh sandi2 also asked about how I know what OM says. No she has been in her own bedroom for months (I kind of move a lot while sleeping and steal blankets and sometimes kick her... we need a king bed) But she has been saying that when I say I worry about her being up late and needing rest she says funny you say that because OM says those things too. She might be lying but like I said I almost feel as if they truly have more of a friendship that just got increasingly more serious.
Her counselor friend (not the one we are seeing BTW) said that she knows couples who always struggle around each seven year mark and I had been reading that. I just wish I would have been less threatened...because even back in March W asked to go to counseling and I kind of was meh about it. That would have avoided OM and it would have made getting back on track easier. But she recognizes she betrayed me and I recognize that our problems predate OM. Before Friday I wasn't sure if she saw that first part as she mentioned the second part.
