Here again part 7

[25yearsmlc]

I'm not saying spending time with the kids is cake eating but I offered him to take the kids at 5 he agreed.

Then he text again a couple hours later asking the plan

I said we were going to my grandparents but that I would have them back by 5 for him to pick them up.

He said to let him know what time we were going to my grandparents and he would maybe meet us.

I didn't reply. He then sent several texts asking can he come should he leave to head over etc. with ????

I just told him it was up to him.

I was saying cake eating because he's still getting family time here with family.

you mean time there with YOUR family? I feel like if he's brave enough

it is Father's Day....but please do not read into anything into it.

Read Zues;s post again.

I don't encourage you to save THIS M, b/c not healthy for you or your kids.

Get some air & back off.

Plan as Ginger suggests

[T384]

Yes he came over to my grandparents house. My parents were there and my brother.

He just held the baby and talked to everyone. He was still kind of distant

I offered him to come over and watch. A movie with the boys and I would go study. He said no. He didn't want to drive to the house and back so late.

I just said ok bye and parted ways. He lied about where he was going. I can see where he is. He doesn't know. And I'm not sure who's house he's at but it's close to our house so the whole I don't want to drive far and back was an excuse.

[Zues126]

You asked what you should be doing. I agree that right now you really shouldn't be doing much other than relaxing the tension and caring for yourself. I applaud that you are posting frequently and managing to meet the basic needs of your children.

If I had one suggestion though it would be to make sure that you're sending affirming vibes towards WAH. This doesn't have to be over the top "You're such an awesome dad!" But it could be something simple like "They're lucky to have you as a dad, happy Father's Day", or just some non-verbal communication like you smiling when you see him with the kids.

This isn't trying to 'win him back'. This isn't dismissing the pain he's caused you. It's a matter of deciding today and going forward what kind of person you want to be.

So I think a good habit to get into would be to at least be aware of how much of what you're writing and thinking and talking about with others is negative. Maybe even try to find some things that are positive as well. If you can't see anything but disapproval for WAH, then can you kind of see why he might want some space?

It really is ok to vent here. We get it. I'm not saying you can't validate your feelings and get some support for the pain you're in or the situation you're left with. I'm just getting back to your earlier question. You can write here what you need to get out. What is more important are the messages your expressions and tones and responses and gestures are sending when you interact.

For what it's worth I'm glad you let him see the kids today. I agree with the others that a schedule will be needed in the future and it can't always be come and go and bend over backwards to accommodate. But this is the very early stage of a very unstable situation. It's a good idea to take it slowly. And trying to take unilateral control of the situation by making demands or laying out a schedule without discussion might not be the right move. Even telling him that HE NEEDS to give you a schedule isn't my recommendation. I'd just let it sit for a few days or a week or two. Maybe he'll bring up the schedule idea. If not I'm sure we can help you compose a DB approved email that isn't controlling or demanding. Something that starts by validating his desire and rights to see the kids, and appreciating that he is making them a priority.

Right now things are a little unfair in his favor. I get it. But this is very short term. No need to score keep. If this proceeds to a true separation and divorce you will have your schedule soon enough. But I don't see a reason for you to be the one to escalate it to that stage so soon. Let go of the unfairness of it, focus on the positive that he is seeing the kids and speaking to you, and get through today.

Hang in T0.

[T384]

Thanks Zues,

I sat with him with the kids today and he talked to me about the concert and the weather. I was polite and laughed watching the kids wrestle in front of us.

The only thing I did to put him on the spot as I said was I called him after he left and said hey I was thinning if you want to come
By and watch. A movie with the boys. I have to study anyway so I didn't know if you wanted to. He said no. So I just left it be.

I dont want a D.

But I know my anxiety is out of control. I am so hurt. I mean like crying every day in the shower alone so my kids don't see it. I feel worthless because the man I love and felt like we built this whole life together watches me doing all these things alone and just doesn't care about me. I fell asleep sitting in the couch with him sitting next to me. I didn't do it on purpose but he has to see how tired I am.
I have anxiety from last BD. He has been telling me for 3 months and in counseling he wasn't going to leave. He wasn't going anywhere. That was aloe. Last time he served me with d papers without telling me. So I'm just feeling like I'm waiting for that day to come and I want to put a stop to it as best I can.

I know this sounds irrational but if I'm being honest about my feelings and what drives my actions and reactions.

I just want to see something from him. But he's so distant. He was hugging and kissing me last week to now nothing. He didn't even say bye to me today.

[skyhigh]

I agree with Ginger, you should organize your life without him, since anyway he doesn't want to be part of it right now. Nothing you will do or say will make him change his mind, to the contrary it will worsen your relationship even deeper.

You need to detach, detaching is the first thing to do when you DB, it helps you to feel less hurt by his words and actions and it helps to stabilize the situation. Right now, your situation is explosive, it needs to cool off and then you will have a better view of it.

The more clingy and demanding you are, the nastier and more distant he will be, it has nothing to do with you, that's just the way he functions/reacts. You need to accept the fact that he is out of control and he cannot be talk out of anything, common sense is a foreign concept for him.

Organize your life without it, I know it's tough but work out a schedule with a nanny and get help from some friends. Also, go visit your Family Practitioner and ask him what he can give you to help you to sleep, use a nanny for night time at least twice a week so you can sleep. Without sleep you won't be able to function very soon. Get some help, I delayed getting it, I became a mess, once I got the help I needed I was able to calm down and thing more clearly.

Believe nothing he says, he just wants to keep things under wrap so he can control the situation.

[T384]

Another bad night sleep with the baby.

H has been talking to his Boss's daughter as well as the OW at work. He was texting pictures all night with the boss daughter he's living wth all night until 1am.

Does history really repeat itself again?

I'm trying to picture my life without him and I don't want to. But I wonder why I want someone that can walk out.

What does saving this M look like? Do I even have it in me to do that again?

Can he be the man I need him to be again?

These are all the things I think of everyday ... I want my children to grow up with their family together so I'm willing to do about anything BUT at what cost?

And will me letting go will me stopping asking him questions will me cutting him out of my life with the exception of the children soften him toward me?

I had bought him a Father's Day gift a few weeks ago something very nice for one of the boats. He didn't even thank me. Or acknowledge it. I know I need to have no expectations but it hurts me.

Also, if there is true OW does it make a difference of me leaving him be and putting my feelings and needs from him aside.

I'm sorry I'm blabbing I just see him making such permanent decisions as buying a house and I feel I'm fighting a losing battle trying to avoid D

[skyhigh]

Did you read the detachment thread?

[skyhigh]

It's normal to have obsessive thoughts about your husband, ow, and your future but those won't help you to find a solution, they have the opposite results.

[skyhigh]

While in full replay, my H was not interested to be part of our children life, he was Ok with providing but not being a participant of it, after replay was over, everything changed, he is now very involved, and he changed radically, that's something that I couldn't imagine 2 years ago, he was so obsessed with OW1 and about having his "space" and "freedom".

Nothing is set in stone in life, today is today, tomorrow is tomorrow, so please don't project too much, live in the present. Take care of yourself and your children, protect yourself legally from whatever you need to, if he buys a house while you are married, what could be the financial consequences for you?

Make an appointment wit a lawyer, know your rights, it doesn't mean you want a divorce, but knowledge is power. I learned about my rights and what to look for. Do you know that all the money he is spending on OW, is something "stolen" from the common property, so in case of a divorce you are entitled to be reimburse to 50% of what he spent on OW.

[25yearsmlc]

lots of questions on your end...

[quote=T0324]Another bad night sleep with the baby.

H has been talking to his Boss's daughter as well as the OW at work. He was texting pictures all night with the boss daughter he's living wth all night until 1am.

Does history really repeat itself again?

This is very interesting...^^^ what did YOU do last time this happened, and are you doing the same thing now?

Or not? And what did you tell yourself back then, about what you'd do if this happened again?

Read your own words for guidance b/c we cannot tell you what HE is thinking or feeling

and sweetie I just don't think you are ready to take much advice from us if it takes more than a day or two.

As a mother of 3, I have a confession I don't want disclosed to my feminist friends.

but I was in law school for the first kid and I failed an exam (not a big "failure" in my life but I could not do it all)

and I was hospitalized during the 2nd pregnancy while working full time and h being in med school

something has to give and something WILL give if you do not stop the obsessing.

If you are not nursing, I'd ask your doctor for something to help reduce the anxiety

and if you are nursing START meditation.

I really mean that suggestion about downloading the "insight timer" or "head space" free meditation app on your phone.

You are all over the place T0, and I've been there.

Take a breath and DO something new and different for more than a few days and I don't mean with your h, but for yourself.