25yearsmlc 10 yrs later I File D (part 4)

[25yearsmlc]

Beatrice,

I hope it didn't sound as if I doubted you. I just asked how we'd know.

Yes - my ego is a huge part of this curiosity absolutely. Me & my ego have been given a huge blow and I cannot pretend I'm "fine" or detached.

Another part of me (codependent? Or just Enmeshed after 35 years??)

is concerned for him, and of course for my kids. I hope someday they will have better r's but frankly I think my ego damage is why I'm okay with their lousy r's for now.

Plus h's being such a $hit with the div process (canceling a life ins policy on him that I pay for?? Only one reason - to be mean. Good grief, smh).

I know how petty and bitter ^^^ this sounds. I'm not proud of it. And I don't want to feel this way. I'm angry, I'm hurt and disgusted. I feel very betrayed.

And yes I believe in time I'll detach better and see h in a more sympathetic light, which I suspect will be pity. There is no "winning" for h b/c regardless of how HAPPY HE (FINALLY) IS, he will never be seen in a good light thru our kids' eyes.


Today my youngest sent me a Happy Father's Day message (for raising her on my own).

That was well intended I think, but it was sad. (And sad for h). And I know s31 is disgusted by h's getting me to sign the waiver to joint accounts (you may recall, I had been hospitalized for seizures I'd never had before, was in the ICU for a week, and a week later on new meds. Pretty much impaired, which is what s31 attested to. Said his "Doctor father took advantage of his mother and there's no way mother would have signed any such thing if it were not for being impaired" -

so Hard to read b/c it was all true and made me feel like an incompetent, which I guess I was, legally speaking.


ANYHOW


All of^^^ that makes it hard for me to imagine h backing down in ANY way from his "it's your mother's/25's fault". H must have told no one up on the tundra what's going on b/c honestly, how do you tell people you did THAT?

So Do I want h back? Obviously not as he is now.

AND in truth, too much damage has been done for me to recon even if he had the seismic change required. It's not a realistic hope - too many steps to take on HIS end and too many doubts about our past on my end (what was real/Another lie??)

So what is it I want from him, going forward (other than a good settlement and less hostility)?

Deep REMORSE...and how much time & energy am I willing to give that "hope"?

My goal is to give this^^^ "ego driven hope" zero energy. Which is essentially full detachment.


I must learn not to care at all about him, other than being the man who fathered my kids... Is this goal attainable and if so, how?


Beatrice if your h is married again, can you imagine being his wife now, knowing he's regretful?

I think my h will marry his OW b/c if that r fails, he will have lost too much to keep blaming me. He will have lost me, our kids and our history and for what? Some of his friends have reached out to me, too. I'm sure their wives are not thrilled with his leaving the first time I was really sick, and for an adventure.

Plus he's been SO PUBLIC about how happy he finally is...that loss might be too much for him, but here I go again, giving him headspace.

SIDENOTE - what is with the PUBLIC announcements of OW? I swear I don't get it.

H almost never posted about our family (I'm not sure he ever did other than maybe a graduation picture, once or twice). Suddenly he's posting about his "honey meeting his family!!" and calling her "the love of his life" and kissing her at the beach we went to every year.

Who does that? Okay okay I'm better - off the ledge...sometimes realizing how weird that is, helps me. B/c I know it's weird.

and it's Painful as he11, but also damn, it's also very strange for a guy who was m and STILL IS, for 35 years...to post as if I never existed.

I'm redirecting thoughts b/c I know what's in my head also affects what's in my heart, and we all want some peace in our hearts.

Getting there.