My ex was like that as well upon BD. I remember he wanted to come to one of our family parties. It made no sense to me. How could he even show his face after walking away from us? No one understood his motivation. I remember my mom thinking it was because he wanted to eat all the really good food we have at our parties (That shows how little she thought of him). Looking back, I realize he probably did not understand how we all viewed him. His perspective on this was just so opposite to mine. He was the bad guy in my eyes and in my families eyes. But he obviously did not think that. (Or perhaps he was that narcissitic and good food was his motivator )
I told him "no it would be uncomfortable for me". After heavy pursuing and begging, I thought it was the right move. I wanted to show him that I was moving on. That it would be cake walking if I allowed him to come.
I don't really know the answer. The DB counselors seem to suggest encouraging a friendship and acting "as if". I was way to angry and wanted him punished for his very deplorable actions to implement the DB coach approach. With time, we became more and more distant and are signing our divorce papers soon. I had every right to be angry and to be righteous. (And had we reconciled, things could have ended up very bad for me as well as with time, i made new discoveries about STBX )but the punishing wont work if you want reconciliation
)