Ugh. Today is fathers day and my 2 year BD anniversary. Quite Fitting. We are in final stages of negotiating and the goal is to have our papers signed by the end of this month.
I have just been so stressed. I am coming to terms with
1. Feeling ripped off by lawyers 2. Discovery of financial infidelity at the least, and most likely husband leading a secret life as a drug/alcohol addict 3. Our relationship overall. The dynamics. The whys and hows. Why wasn't it preventable? Was it the drugs? Did our relationship influence the drug use or was it always there? 4. How to move forward? I have no attention span or ability to concentrate or energy or motivation.
I am just exhausted. Spiritually, mentally, physically.
Today I was mad, but for the past few weeks I have been doing a lot of crying. I wish I had some sort of escape. I guess the reality of it is hitting home. I dont know how some people just move forward with their lives. What makes me unhealthy and emotionally attached to it all.
Acute BD, I yelled, tried to rationalize and persuade. Blamed myself a lot. Blamed him.
Subacute BD, I started thinking like a walkaway. Thinking I could meet someone else. Fantasized. Procrastinated on the legal process.
Post BD, I guess I'm dealing with reality right now. Still roller coastering emotionally.
I know the answer is to appreciate what we have, and I do... I am grateful for my son and for our relationship. I am grateful that there is no custody battle. I am grateful that ex is not outwardly nasty or aggressive. He just wants to be left alone. And I stopped engaging a long time ago. I am grateful that I have security. Maybe its that Im still coming to terms that life is not always fair.
I know I am rehashing and cycling, but sometimes it helps to write it out.
