Wife wants to leave marriage 2

[25yearsmlc]

Tread I'm sorry I don't recall all your details off the top of my head, but I do think a 3 hour R talk isn't productive

unless you're discussing how to repair things and moving forward...and even then, I'd break it down into smaller time periods. No one can recall much of a long emotional conversation, so a ton of perhaps valid points are lost anyhow. A lot of what is recalled is what hurts the most.

Sorry

Well W and I had a long 3 hour talk in regards to our MR. And needless to say we are on our way to BD. I sat there and listened as my W berated me, my family and the problems in our MR. Now she did state that she recognised all the changes in me. But claimed it wasn't enough, because it didn't really bring up too many romantic feelings. I stated that it was hard to bring up feelings when you won't allow me to do anything to draw up those feelings. Told W your looking for feelings when you have a wall up to me. W acknowledged that she simply didn't want to put herself back out there.
Sounds like this talk & your w was there to justify, not explore.

All you can do is utter a few mantras to stay on track, which she may recall later. I think it's key to say that "I'm sorry I hurt you. If I had it all to do again, I'd do a lot of things differently."

(^^ this shows that you recognize the need to change AND are in fact changing, so things would be different. But you are not being a doormat or owning all the problems)

Once you sincerely apologize for something in the past, keep the conversation redirected - "as you know, I do regret it. So can we now focus on..."

I personally believe in saying that love is in part, a choice & always will be. It's true and I am so tired of people talking about feelings directing their actions as if feelings land on them out of the blue and THEN they must leave/stay.

We create a lot of our emotions, and we do not have to act on any.


I would table the rest of an "R talk", when it's clear that she's just giving her closing statement - asking for a guilty verdict.


-doesn't see the how that's an issue. That right there made me wonder if I really wanted someone in my life like this, let alone a W with this type of thought process.


the thought process of a WAS - I am told - often but not always - clears up in a few/many years.

That does not mean she will 1) tell you; or 2) do anything about any regrets or revisions of the m.

Nor does it mean she won't have already moved on, nor does it mean you won't.

But I HOPE and think that their marital revisions - when truly extreme, improve. My h's revisions are so intense that I did not think I was reading the correct pleading. I thought my L sent me the wrong one, it was that distorted.

My guess is that h distorts and substitutes his own version of things and his own narrative at first to protect himself from the law or my anger?? Or what the kids think...but the weird part is I think he believes things he surely should not. Things I can prove are false.

Not much we can do about someone who tells you black is white and the coffee cup in your hand is actually a shirt.

Anyhow, we have no control over the thoughts in their heads...and probably need to control our own better.

Sorry

Then she claimed to wanting to hear what I thought about everything. So I talked my role in messing up this relationship. And also addressed her role as well. My W admitted that she has flaws, but when I mentioned what those flaws were she denied everyone one of them.


I don't think it's our job to list their flaws. We can mention events or actions that hurt US, not that make them bad people. Of course it aroused a defensive posture on her part. This list of her flaws could not possibly have helped you or the situation.

So pretty much I was the only one in this conversation who admitted to their mistakes.



She'd have known that without you listing her flaws. And it undermines all the reasons why you want to remain m. Do you get what I mean?



I brought up all the things that my family has done for us over the years. Which she actually acknowledged were true. And how I have done so much more for her family, while she she openly refused to do things for mine.


So you got out your scorecard, and this just never helps. First off, it's a record of wrongs/rights that don't belong in a marriage.

Second, our spouses have their own scorecards and way of measuring & keeping track, and on their scorecards, we are not ahead. It's a bad idea to bring up the past this way as it forces them to do the same and then, we lose.

She got mad, but when I presented her with examples. W admitted that I did do all those things. That's when she admitted that I was a good man and did do a lot of great things in the MR.

Just thank her for acknowledging your actions but please don't bring them up again. The rest of this below is just unproductive.

That's when I told W, that by the way you tell it I didn't do a thing. And you were so miserable.

Arguments like this ^^^force her to cement that idea or her misery OR admit being wrong...so she chose to confirm her belief that she was miserable - because of You...


Nothing but silence at that point. From there I tried to provide solutions in order to get this MR better than what it was. And I asked for her input. She stated that she couldn't stay in a MR where I didn't completely trust her. I informed that I was trying to trust her completely, but its hard when your still contacted the OM. Knowing that his W doesn't like it as well. That got W into another your trying to tell me what to do rant.


^^^ this was all a battle between who had the most points or demerits. Not a battle either can win. Much more like lawyers arguing opposing views for the non existent jury.

You want to build from common ground, not pick each other apart. Sounds painful.


Needless to say W ended up saying that she was meeting with a lawyer this week to discuss her options. She refuses to leave the home and that separation is not an option. But it will probably take awhile before we can come up with the funds for a divorce. So at the moment were stuck with each other. Probably will end up selling the home, since neither one of us individually can afford the place. Hoping during that time period W might change her mind. But I at this moment, I'm going to continue with detaching and focusing on S13.

I hope you can learn to detach. No R talk for over 10 minutes, and even then I'd just stay on message. You would do things differently, it can be better, you have history and a son, and then drink a STFU smoothie & GAL to detach.

Lose the scorecard b/c on hers, you lose anyhow.

IMO, scorecards in a marriage are not constructive, ever.

Use your time wisely.

Become a man only a fool would leave.