Boston Dad in need of Help

[Accuray]

I'm just curious Acc and Coconut, when you guys were going through your divorce did you implement the DB methods on your wives? Or did you not know about them? If not, did you make the same mistakes as some of us newbies?

I found out my wife was in a very serious year+ EA with a coworker while she was away from home on a business trip. I was completely shocked and devastated, I would have bet a million dollars she wouldn't have been unfaithful to me. When I found out, I called her friend who seemed to be her conspirator and tried to get information but her friend stonewalled me. When I did talk to W later that night, she told me she was done and she wanted a divorce and there was no possibility of her changing her mind.

I was fortunate in finding this site pretty quickly, and I did hire a DB coach and I did use the techniques pretty well but of course I made mistakes. Everyone thinks their situation is different and I was no exception -- this belief that our situation is different is what we use to rationalize doing what we want versus what we should be doing. Everyone's details and circumstances are of course different, but when one person wants out and one person doesn't, that situation is exactly the same and what you do about it follows a very specific prescription regardless of the other details.

In any case, after several months of DB'ing W agreed to recommit to the marriage and we had three more years together. That was really a blessing because in 2011 when this started my youngest was only 7 years old, I at least got her to 10 in an intact family.

During those three years I had the opportunity to put everything I had learned to work and to be an amazing husband and father. My 180's were real and I really had addressed a whole bunch of things about myself that would have bothered anyone in the long term, so I felt really good about that.

Unfortunately during that time, W started pulling away again. If we agreed to do 10 things together to keep our marriage strong, she first decided she was only going to do 8, then 6, then 4, then none of them, so our interactions pretty much landed back where they had been. I told her that she didn't like how things were before but she was taking us back there and she said "I know, I'm sorry, but I am committed, if anyone leaves next time it will be you"

A couple months later familiar patterns from 2011 started to repeat and she was in a new PA with a different coworker so I was done and we got divorced. I really look upon that time in my life as a blessing, despite how painful it was. I got three years to be the best I could be in that relationship, so when it ended I was able to leave it without guilt, doubt, or second guessing what I should have done better. I was able to keep the family together longer for my kids, and because so much time had passed I was able to have a very amicable divorce.

Sometimes people are just "done" and I think that was the case for W. Once we agreed to divorce she moved out really fast and maintained her affair for a couple months, but the guy was 10 years younger than she was with a wife and a young daughter, and his wife found out so eventually it fell apart. She then did some dating but clearly that wasn't as exciting as an affair, nothing really worked out, and she's been single for a few years now.

For my part, I'm much happier than I was in that relationship. W had some anger issues she never addressed, she was anxious to the degree that most physical activity scared her and she wouldn't do anything even slightly risky, she wouldn't do anything where she might get cold, or wet, and I'm an "adventure guy" so it put a lot of constraints on my life. In addition, she had virtually no sex drive, which over time I came to accept as normal, but I now understand was far from normal and really not acceptable at all. With the benefit of hindsight I'm really better off without that relationship.

Of course at the time, I put her on a pedestal and was convinced that I would never meet anyone as good for me, etc. etc. I felt more in love with her than I've ever felt for anyone right after BD. Once again with hindsight I know that was my loss of control and my fear of the unknown, so my deep desire to get her back, objectively, really was about regaining my stability and had very little to do with who she was, because really she wasn't that good for me.

I know that compatibility is a tricky thing, because it can change at any time. What my MC told me about sex drive is that its rarely perfectly matched. If your sex drive varies between 7 and 9 and your wife varies between 6 and 8, for the most part you're going to overlap. Once in a while it will be a source of tension but overall its very manageable. If, however, you're a 7 through 9 and your wife is a 1 through 3, then its going to be a constant source of stress throughout the relationship.

Obviously if you get divorced and start dating, you're more aware of what you need to live the life you want to live, so for the things that need to be aligned you're more selective. Longer term, however, like in any long term relationship things get out of alignment and you have to manage it with investment and compromise. If one person refuses to compromise or invest you're pretty much in for a miserable run.

I've been with my current girlfriend for two and a half years, she is also an adrenaline junky and loves to join me in the things I enjoy most. She has a higher sex drive than I do, and overall we get along really well. After 2.5 years we're well beyond the honeymoon phase, so things are of course challenging and stressful at times, and there are areas we're not in sync, but with the value of hindsight I'm in a much better place than I would have been had I stayed married, and my kids are doing great -- I have them half time.

Acc