Zues - you say he is in immense pain and he cannot look at me judging him. Do you truly believe that because I'm not so sure I do. I haven't told him I'm done. I've never used those words to him. Actually quite the opposite... I said we want him here we appreciate him and we don't want to go through this again. It was terrible and painful last time and we don't want to go on that ride.
He still chose to leave. Also, how is he hurting when he's partying st a concert. Whavent heard from him at all besides when I text him if he wanted to stop by the kids were at my moms before he left... other than that nothing.
How is he hurting if he's seeing someone else and emotionally attached himself to her.
I'm sorry I'm just not sure I see it that way. I poured my heart out to him over the last three months. I kissed him made him lunch was sweet and loving the ONLY thing I did was about once every week or two say so what's going on with us. And it wasn't yelling or screaming matches it was me saying I don't understand how you don't know if you want to be in this M. What do you need from me to make that decision. What do you need to be happy. He could never answer.
Again - not trying to be negative I just don't know. The more I think about it is maybe he just cannot be the man I need him to and the man he was wasn't really him but THIS man he is now is who he is. I just don't know. I don't understand how he lies about everything. It's quite scary. Because I don't think he even knows how to tell the truth anymore. He lies about what time he goes to work. And he voluntary offers this information to me. It's not like I have asked him any questions since he left. I'm questioning my entire M. Who I've been sleeping next to. Hell im questioning if he was even honest when he came back after last time.
The thing is if you dislike me FINE ... but we do have a one month old. I feel so disrespected and angry for my children. How hard is it to send a text checking on them.
And what possibly could he be telling everyone at work that he left his family with a newborn baby. I just don't get it. I don't... we made this baby together and i can't imagine just walking out and not giving a [censored] about not helping care for him. And our older boys. To not even text them or anything. Just sad.
You two both have a lot in common. You both love each other. You are both in a lot of pain. And you are both totally stuck in your own view points and think the other person is the problem. And you both seem to think you can't do this anymore and are totally surprised when the other person doesn't change first.
How can WAH be doing what he is doing? Medication.
As for how you've managed your side of the road the last few months, I am confident that you did your best at the time, but there is clearly a huge disconnect.
Look at it this way- somewhere in your behavior from the last 90 days your H has felt emotionally beaten by resentment and judgment. He has told you that repeatedly in every way he possibly can. The message I have heard is "T0, I love you and want nothing more than to be the H you want and be by your side, but it's impossible for me to do that when I feel constantly attacked by suspicion and disapproval". Yet you look back at your same behavior and justify it and say you have been loving and warm and you don't get why he had to leave.
I have followed your posts over the last patch, 60, 90, 120 days. I have seen what your H is talking about. I am not excusing his behavior. I am not agreeing with his decision to walk. I don't. And I understand exactly how hurtful that is. I have also seen the pain he has caused you over the last patch. All I am saying is that even through your posts and your voice which may not be totally objective, I've still seen enough to where I understand how your H could feel the way he feels. Even today every post is disapproval, disapproval, disapproval, but of course how could you feel any other way based on what HE'S doing...it just doesn't stop. Nowhere do you see yourself causing H pain and him bucking like a wild animal trying to get away from a burning brand of anger and disapproval. All you see is the animal bucking.
You may not see it that way, but the problem with the way you see it is that if you continue to see it that way you'll have a heck of a story for your children about why you and their dad didn't stay together. You can explain to us, your friends, your family, and anyone else that will listen about how unreasonable he was and what a bad guy he was. OR, you can reread your last 90 days of posts and highlight everything you did and said that triggered his "You'll never accept me again" reaction and put it all on a big masterlist and read it every day until you have an AHA moment and see what it is that you're doing that is hurting him, then stop it. You may not feel those actions should hurt him. You may feel they were totally reasonable things for you to do. You may feel they are nothing compared to what he's done to you, and that the scorekeeper is showing that he's done much worse. But the bottom line is you have hurt him and continued to act in a way he felt he couldn't live with. You either get a story about how your H wasn't good enough or you get a marriage.
T0, I don't think you should fight for your marriage today in terms of actions or anything like that. I don't think H is coming back today nor am I saying you should take him back if he did. I think it would be foolish to jump into something when the cycle hasn't been broken, it would just be a rerun. I think you need to take care of yourself and let some of this go for a little while. But I mentioned not making big decisions when you're not at your best. I think your vision is a little tunneled right now. Might be a good idea not to trust your thoughts and feelings too much right now. They are real, but that doesn't mean they are the healthiest way to steer your ship right now. Just get through the days when you are at your worst. When you are really at your best then reread your old posts and see what you can learn. Hang in and take care.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
