Therapist on Friday asked "what can you possibly hope to get out of this day with W? Why are you allowing it?" My mother asked me pretty much the same question. My answer was, "have you ever said 'I would give ANYTHING for just one more day?' Well I'd give anything for just one more day with my family. No matter how much this hurts, no matter how much this sets me back, no matter what it costs me, I want this."
I picked W and D up at her place. Before I left to pick them up, I thought long and hard... and put one of my rings (the one I wore on my right hand, that W gave me a couple of months after we started dating) back on for the day. I got my family day... We went out and painted pottery with D, they took me to dinner, and we saw a movie (Guardians 2). It was a perfect day.
At the movie theater, W held my hand... and did a double take when she felt the ring. She wanted to know why, and I said I'd tell her later, did on the way to drop her off while D was asleep in the back seat.
W expressed a lot of regret over everything. Apologized for everything again. Said she doesn't know if she's really done. On the other hand, OM is still in the picture. W still completely wrapped up in him (though she's back to saying that they're "just friends, regardless of what happened") so that seems to be academic.
On the other hand, I don't know if I'm done, anymore, either. I've been a wreck this week, and it had nothing to do with any contact with W, or any fantasy day with my family. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. I'm conflicted. I don't know what I want anymore, if I ever did. I'm wondering if I still just want W back and I can't pretend otherwise anymore. It would help if i knew what I was thinking.
Therapist said that based on everything I'm saying, it does sound like maybe I shouldn't be dating anyone right now (GF or W for that matter). She also said that from everything I've said, GF is a great match for me, and W isn't (and probably never was) and asked me if I was willing to lose the possibilities I have with GF. I don't have an answer for that.
GF is fairly unhappy right now. Points out that I basically went on a date with another woman, and it's "slightly" worse because I happen to still love that other woman. I don't really have an answer to that, either.
So I guess I have some choices to make.
A. Learn how to truly accept M is over and move forward with GF. B. End relationship with GF and accept that I really just want W back. C. Accept M is over. End relationship with GF. Let the chips fall where they may. D. Juggle GF and W (joking, but it's really not funny. Not actually an option, just listing it for completeness). E. ???
"C" is probably the "correct" choice, here. It's also the least palatable (other than option D). That tends to reinforce that it's the correct choice. Don't know how to do this. Love to find a workable option E.
