My rebound became my wife and I thought it was a rebound...but it turned into something special. But if you read my thread you will see that there were still design flaws.
I understand pain. I understand wanting it to end. It is sooooo easy if someone comes along who does make you feel like perfection. But be very careful to make the right choice. I love my W. I am also ready to just stop the pain. But if I file for D and / or she moves out I think my pain will only be stronger. And even if there is someone to ease the pain... is that fair to that person? Is that going to make any type of future with my W easier?
The word hate is strong. And maybe it's therapeutic but without forgiveness there is no future. Even if you decide to pursue a different relationship hate shouldn't be in your heart.
That text I see as a bit snarky but also as an expression of pain. "oblivious" (and maybe it resonates with me because I was oblivious) may just be a sign that this is something you need to show her a different side of.
forgiveness is a looooong way of. Long way. And in any case forgiveness is not meant for your wife but for yourself. And it does not come in any one moment, but is slowly built. And when you can honestly say you forgive her, a huuuuuuuuuge weight will be lifted from you.
And pain or no pain, East has to let his W deal with the pain herself. He cannot nor should he even try carrying her burden. He has 2 much on his plate ATM. Also rebound relationships are no good. You just waste a heck of a lot of time and you end up in the same spot in a couple of months.
Still thinking about what everyone is saying. Especially cadence and Ginger. Rebound = "using" and "using" is one of the biggest crimes in my personal morality. I have been watching for signs that this is what I am doing. That is neither who I am, nor who I want to be.
I don't feel hate for W. At all. Which is surprising. I am angry, but even that comes and goes. I'm not internalizing it. Internalizing my feelings is part of why I am where I am. I don't like making the same mistakes in life--I like making new ones (joke). My hate is directed at those specific things I listed. I have hated myself a couple of times over the last few months, but I think that's bleed over from my specific situation, rather than an enduring feeling directed at myself. I DO hate the man I was before BD. When I'm dealing with uncomfortable feelings these days, I try to unpack the box and deal with it rather than stuffing it somewhere for safe keeping.
"Oblivious" is absolutely correct about me. I actually have an almost speech I give at the start of a relationship. "I will never intentionally hurt you, but I CAN BE OBLIVIOUS. It's not you, and it's not on purpose, I just get stuck in my head sometimes. If that happens, just tell me about it and I'll fix it."
I said I don't see flaws in GF. That's not entirely true. I DO see some. They're just MY SAME FLAWS. They're not scary, because I understand them, and I deal with them everyday. Does anyone care to guess what GF told ME on our second date (before I'd said the above?) Almost word for word, "I will never intentionally hurt you, but I can be oblivious. I get stuck in my head sometimes, and I need to be woken up when that happens."
I hear my own words come out of this woman's mouth SO OFTEN it's insane. I have examined whether this is just confirmation bias, and cannot reach that conclusion with my available data. My mind ruthlessly analyzes everything in my life. If I don't want to do it while I'm awake (usually something I don't want to be true, so I kill myself fighting my analytical side, which usually doesn't stop it anyway) my subconscious will do it for me while I sleep and present me with conclusions when I wake up. My conclusions started as "this cannot possibly be real" and have progressed to "what the actual f***?"
I am still confused and hurt. I don't believe I'm "fixed." But I also don't believe that anyone else can fix me. I don't believe that other people can make me happy (that's actually written on my bathroom mirror in dry erase marker, and has been for months). I accept that the only one responsible for my happiness is me, that to expect anyone else to be responsible for that isn't fair to me, or to them, and is almost certain to be ruinous.
I don't believe I'm currently suffering from cognitive dissonance. There's a small chance, but I think I would have noticed it, especially since I'm looking for it.
Still no answers. Still a lot of questions. Still thinking.
"I will never intentionally hurt you, but I CAN BE OBLIVIOUS. It's not you, and it's not on purpose, I just get stuck in my head sometimes. If that happens, just tell me about it and I'll fix it."
Quote:
Almost word for word, "I will never intentionally hurt you, but I can be oblivious. I get stuck in my head sometimes, and I need to be woken up when that happens."
Devil's advocate here, but if you recognize that you are stuck in your head to the detriment of your partner, why not work on changing that behavior? Why "warn"?
Personally I'm not a fan of the whole "here are my flaws" speech in the beginning of relationships. Why? Because there's an "I told you so" element to it. So, later, when it's happening, one can say "but I told you I do this." Also, because it has a touch of making the other person responsible.
On the surface, it seems like personal growth, but really it's a way to distance yourself from responsibility. And if you have a history of that, and this woman is now doing it, yikes.
If there is a behavior about yourself that you don't like, fix it. All on your own. You don't need another person. Work on recognizing it when you're doing it (being in your head isn't an excuse, because you're capable of stopping that behavior) and stopping it yourself. Then there's no need for speeches or warnings!
Quote:
I hear my own words come out of this woman's mouth SO OFTEN it's insane. I have examined whether this is just confirmation bias, and cannot reach that conclusion with my available data.
Remember what I said about rebounding and feeling like the new person is familiar? Most take it as a reason to rush in, because it's "right."
Usually it means you've found a match for your childhood issues. Your unhealed inner child recognizes this particular brand of dysfunction and it's exciting!
When someone is in an emotionally unhealthy state (like after heartbreak), this feeling of wonder and feeling of being found by another person is a giant red flag. Giant. Huge. ...'Yuuuuge.
Be careful, East. This woman is not a science project. She doesn't contain insight into your own issues because she says the same things as you. She's a mirror. She's familiar. And she's a fallible human being, like us all.
East, I sense a general emotional unavailability with you, and I think your lady friend intrigues you right now because she's also emotionally unavailable and so she feels safe to you.
Maybe this will work out and you'll find lasting stable love, but I think the chances are small. You're not in a healthy state, and anyone who is attracted to that is very likely to have issues of their own, like not being able to form stable connections that last.
DBing is all about getting healthy - emotionally, physically, and spiritually by challenging ourselves. The healthier we can be, the more strength we have to piece things back together if our ex is re-attracted to us, or we attract new healthier partners. There's no quick fix.
You'll do what you're going to do, but work on owning the behaviors you want to change and work on getting healthy. See this lady as an addition to your life, and, ironically, don't believe it's going to last or you'll cause it to flame out sooner. What you've found has a 1% chance of lasting, so enjoy it while it's here. She can't fix you. Only you can do that.
And know if it does end, you will suffer a large setback in healing from your M. Having gone through that, it's so hard. It's a huge step backward into the pain and the muck.
I still don't really want to post in my thread. I'm still thinking.
Thanks for the insight, Cadence. I'd like to say that you've completely missed the target, but a lot of that is uncomfortably close. I don't get stuck in my head to the detriment of my partner (well, that too) but really to my OWN detriment. I forget about me, which causes a domino effect. I'm very, VERY bad about caring about myself when I have a reason not to.
I'm driving myself crazy at the thought of rebounding. I am analyzing the hell out of myself. Second guessing everything I do. Doing a lot of reading on the subject. A few indicators are there, but lots of "healthy relationship" indicators are there, too. I'm wondering if I'm confusing myself.
W reached out to me this weekend to discuss finally getting her stuff, and what she could have. She wanted my washer/dryer (pre-M) and was upset when I said no. So I kinda feel a little angry and used. Told her so, which seems silly.
When I talked to D last night (MIL asked to keep her Sunday night, and that stretched an extra day) I ended up talking to W for a couple of minutes, and there wasn't any drama. I got the sense she wanted me to tell her to just come home so we could figure things out. She was really pressing me to "tell her what I was thinking." I feel like I'm supposed to try to fix that, no matter how much I don't really want to, no matter that nothing on her end has actually changed since BD, no matter that a big part of me feels like it's some kind of scam or game... I feel like it's my job as a spouse to TRY. I hate this feeling.
W just stopped by work with D (she got her from summer program today because her field trip tomorrow was cancelled) because I didn't get to see her much this week. It's the most thoughtful thing she's done all year.
I've been a wreck this week. I'm completely conflicted. What you guys have been saying has knocked me out of where I was. Still sure I love GF. Only now I'm not sure that it makes sense to. Or to keep doing what I'm doing.
I thought what was wrong with me was that I was anxious about father's day on Sunday. And that I hadn't really gotten to spend time with D this week. And that I had to work (with D there) for an emergency situation on Tuesday night and was stressed about that. Now I just plain don't know what I'm doing, anymore.
I asked W if she minded if I got D early Sunday morning for father's day. Her response was, "If you want, but I've already made plans for you. Don't be doing anything on Saturday." I was afraid that I wouldn't even get a gift from D, that W was just going to let father's day pass unmarked. And instead my WAW/WW/WTF has apparently put something special together for me.
I feel awful.
I don't believe this makes things different, really. W still hasn't changed anything. Still spends lots of time with OM on Xbox (and I assume on phone, etc). Still doesn't work. She was supposed to go to a psych appointment today and when I asked about it, said she didn't go (no reason, just didn't go). There's nothing there to rebuild a relationship on. Part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Oh... and W wants to BE there during the father's day activity. Sent me a text after and said "If you don't want me there, that's fine, I'll tell you where to go and you two can have fun." I can't imagine responding with anything other than, "if you want to spend that day with me, then I'm happy to spend it with you" so I did.
Therapist on Friday asked "what can you possibly hope to get out of this day with W? Why are you allowing it?" My mother asked me pretty much the same question. My answer was, "have you ever said 'I would give ANYTHING for just one more day?' Well I'd give anything for just one more day with my family. No matter how much this hurts, no matter how much this sets me back, no matter what it costs me, I want this."
I picked W and D up at her place. Before I left to pick them up, I thought long and hard... and put one of my rings (the one I wore on my right hand, that W gave me a couple of months after we started dating) back on for the day. I got my family day... We went out and painted pottery with D, they took me to dinner, and we saw a movie (Guardians 2). It was a perfect day.
At the movie theater, W held my hand... and did a double take when she felt the ring. She wanted to know why, and I said I'd tell her later, did on the way to drop her off while D was asleep in the back seat.
W expressed a lot of regret over everything. Apologized for everything again. Said she doesn't know if she's really done. On the other hand, OM is still in the picture. W still completely wrapped up in him (though she's back to saying that they're "just friends, regardless of what happened") so that seems to be academic.
On the other hand, I don't know if I'm done, anymore, either. I've been a wreck this week, and it had nothing to do with any contact with W, or any fantasy day with my family. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. I'm conflicted. I don't know what I want anymore, if I ever did. I'm wondering if I still just want W back and I can't pretend otherwise anymore. It would help if i knew what I was thinking.
Therapist said that based on everything I'm saying, it does sound like maybe I shouldn't be dating anyone right now (GF or W for that matter). She also said that from everything I've said, GF is a great match for me, and W isn't (and probably never was) and asked me if I was willing to lose the possibilities I have with GF. I don't have an answer for that.
GF is fairly unhappy right now. Points out that I basically went on a date with another woman, and it's "slightly" worse because I happen to still love that other woman. I don't really have an answer to that, either.
So I guess I have some choices to make.
A. Learn how to truly accept M is over and move forward with GF. B. End relationship with GF and accept that I really just want W back. C. Accept M is over. End relationship with GF. Let the chips fall where they may. D. Juggle GF and W (joking, but it's really not funny. Not actually an option, just listing it for completeness). E. ???
"C" is probably the "correct" choice, here. It's also the least palatable (other than option D). That tends to reinforce that it's the correct choice. Don't know how to do this. Love to find a workable option E.
Wow, BD 5 months ago and your already wayward on your girlfriend. You did go on a date, you held hands in the movie, and you were emotionally intimate with your W.
Look, I get it, but you need time to level out. You don't know what you want cause your still full of emotions, and emotions aren't consistent. Here's my $.02 for what it's worth:
1. Apologize to your girlfriend, tell her it's not fair to her, but you can't be in a healthy R right now.
2. Tell your W that you will not be in a open M, if she ever has any interest in trying to work things out, you wouldn't even consider the idea unless you knew that she had gone NC.
3. Give her space, show her what NC means (other than about D)
4. Work the hell out of GAL until you find a passion
5. Be the best damn dad ever.
i do wish you the best, I think you still have a chance in reconciling, but right now your on route to a train wreck and you need to start enjoying your life on your own and as a father.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
