Here again part 7

[25yearsmlc]

I'm
Trying to figure out how to let go of seeing him as who he was vs who he is now

YES^^ ^this is among the hardest parts for those of us who once had a good m. I get it.

Not sure how to "do it" but to say that where the head goes, the heart will follow. I have had moments where I wrote what I thought would be a brief summary (a 1 page) letter to h just trying to express my disappointment & surprise at his hideous treatment of me and our kids - with the obvious idea that I'd never send it.

But the letter got longer & Longer and then spiraled into a really long list of things.

So I narrowed it down to 2-3 things I really felt were deal breakers or close to it. I found, when I was objective, 3+ things (of recent origin) that were deal breakers.

I can't say why I didn't immediately file when they happened, but I didn't.

When I miss the h he once was, I look at the few deal breakers - without going into my whole rage inducing grievance list.

And I read again, something I wrote here in 2006. "If h puts me thru this ordeal again or if there's an OW, I will walk away and not look back."

Not looking back is much much harder than I thought it would be. But sometimes reading that promise to myself, does clarify things.

what did you tell yourself back in round one, if this or anything like it, happened again?

Maybe you need to remember what you told yourself then, to do it now.



My dad said he was leaving all along. Ever since he bought the flowers for the girl and the motorcycle purchase. Everyone wants me to say F off to him and move on with my life but I dont want to I don't know how.

I'm not sure any of this^^ "advice" helps you at all. I don't care for it when people tell me things that make me doubt more of the past and feel more like a fool.

What is the usefulness of retroactive pain when you have enough today already?


I feel so sad thinking of looking at my life divorced. Of this baby growing up not knowing us together.

What IS NOW, is not what you'd want your baby to see. But You have a loss, no doubt. You'll recover but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

I need to figure out how to stop being sad about that.

Let me know when you figure it out. Otherwise I believe it takes time And effort. More effort than you will "feel" like making at times.

I feel better than I did even one month ago, and I sure feel better than I did in January.


I know I need to leave him be and stop hair g expectations of him. But at the same time last time he left he lived the good life and never saw the kids except on his own time table and wasn't accountable for any type of schedule.

but, so what? I mean, what difference does that make today? Plus this^^ is all about HIM. Where are you in this?

I need him to find his way back. I don't want to continue doing this alone. I'm just having a sad moment about this. He's at the concert we have gone to together for our last 3 anniversaries. How can he not remember the good times we had when we went there together.


he's fleeing pain and conflict at home at the moment, that's how. The more he's home the worse he feels. So he's running.

Don't chase or plead or criticize or try to guilt him, b/c I've never really seen anyone shamed into going home and staying.

His behavior speaks for itself and for now, just back off. Stop trying to manage the outcome of something way out of your control.

It makes you spin and you must stop the spinning.



And Zues - when can I say that about letting the dust settle? It's how I feel.

You must control your emotions and not act on them or blurt things out b/c that's how you feel.

Can you see the double standard here? You expect your h to restrain himself & not decide anything or say he's "Done" or act on how he feels, but you don't seem able to impose that standard on yourself...

there is too much going on with the baby school work and all this stress... let cooler heads prevail. There are too many raw emotions.

that is what we are saying^^^. I totally agree. So back off.

See a L & listen to them, so you & the boys are not damaged.

Maybe you can stop asking your parents for their interpretation of your h's feelings from the past and deal with the now.




His mom told him that. He said he knew his decision was made and that it was over and done. Nothing would change his mind.

So this ^^ is how he feels now. And he's behaved in ways you said, repeatedly, were deal breakers for you.

I am not saying you are being "contractually obligated" to enforce your deal breaker boundaries, but at least ask yourself this:

*"Am I letting my h cross my boundaries b/c I'm very sad and very afraid -

OR b/c I genuinely want to move the goal post back, & not have that boundary?"*