Here again part 7

[Zues126]

And Zues - when can I say that about letting the dust settle? It's how I feel. Ow is not the time to be making permanent decisions... there is too much going on with the baby school work and all this stress... let cooler heads prevail. There are too many raw emotions. His mom told him that. He said he knew his decision was made and that it was over and done. Nothing would change his mind.

Sorry for the confusion. You don't say anything to H about this.

In my case it was a bit different when my Divorce Coach told me I could say that bit about slowing things down. XW and I were in communication, she was showing signs of regret and confliction. In your case there is no such opening at this moment.

Besides, there are words and there are actions. And actions speak way, way, way, way, way, way, waaaaaaaaaaay louder than words.

So many times I've seen an LBS tell his WAS that he understands how she feels and respects her request for some distance, when the very action of having a conversation about the relationship is just emotionally clingy showing that they actually AREN'T understanding or respecting anything.

In your case, the best thing to do is let the dust settle on your end. With your actions. And I think your actions are a lack of words.

I'm not saying total no contact. If he asks how the kids are, they are safe and cozy. If he asks if he can come see him, you work out that arrangement. If he throws harsh words at you then you can validate and say you can understand how he'd feel that way, and there are many things you'd do differently if you could do them again.

We get it. You are in immense pain, and you wouldn't be if only WAH would change x/y/z behavior, so therefor your only path out of pain is for you to change his behavior, and surely if he could just realize how much you hurt and how hurtful his behavior is and have him understand what kind of monster this makes him he'd make a different choice, right?

But no, because the thing is that he is also in immense pain, and if you could understand how much he hurt and how hurtful your behavior has been to him then you surely would make different choices as well, such as to stop lashing at him when he's curled up in a ball begging you to stop (he feels your judgments as beatings and is running away from them, because he actually cares a lot what you think. He's not leaving because he doesn't care, he's leaving because he does and can't take the pain of you looking so venomously at him).

So no initialing R talks. No explaining. No judging. No telling him what he should be doing. No telling him what kind of a man or father this makes him. No telling him that if he takes another step away you're done with him for good.

Just let him go. You can punch a pillow, talk to a friend, post here, or shoot some pool. Whatever. But 30 days without kicking up your own dust.

There were two thoughts that got me through.

One was that if I couldn't do it, how could I expect them to? I had to lead, and act with the character I wished WAS had.

The other was that if I looked at the life God had given me, with my children laughing and healthy, my employment challenging and rewarding, my hobbies, my friends, my family, good books to read, air conditioning in my car, good music to listen to, and so on, if I looked at all of this and still turned to the sky shaking my fist at God saying "This isn't enough, without the marriage I want the way I expect it to be right now then all of this is garbage and I can't possibly be happy with anything, you really stink God", if I was truly THAT ungrateful...well, I realized that if I was that miserable then having one flawed woman back in my life couldn't possibly save me from my misery.

Life is not about getting what you want, it's about wanting what you get. We all have things we desire we don't get, but we also have things that can fulfill us if we focus on appreciation for what we have.

Not saying you're not entitled to grieve your loss and honor your pain. I'm simply sharing what got me through. In fact, I've never been more fulfilled in my life. Not because divorce is a positive thing. But because it was so, so, so utterly devastating to me that it FORCED me to finally let go and stopped trying to control my life so I could have everything I thought I wanted to be happy. I was forced to learn to just be happy even though a lot of things stunk.

One last thing I am reminded of was the time when my son was 9 just before bomb drop. He was throwing a tremendous fit, breaking things, trying to hit his mom. Well, we had a sliding back door that had a protected plastic layer on it because we had dogs we would put in the back yard and didn't want them scratching it up. Point is the glass sliding door was pretty solid. It was super cold in MN at the time, like 0 degrees and some wind. I picked my son up, carried him out the back door kicking and screaming, then shut the sliding door and locked it. He was in a t-shirt and shorts. It was so cold every second must have felt painful. Every single second. I told him he could come back in when he calmed down. XW was screaming at me to let him in, that he'd get frost bit or sick or whatever, but I wouldn't let her let him back in. I told her that if he was REALLY cold he'd calm down. My son kept screaming and screaming and screaming and banging the door and banging, and I kept repeating in loud calm tones that when he stopped screaming he could come back inside.

Want to guess how long it took him to calm down? Probably around 30-40 seconds. At some point the pain of the cold overcame his rage and he shifted his priorities and behavior. Of course XW used this incident to prove I was abusive. But personally I thought it was just exactly perfect.

I know you will get there too. You are still in this cycle. As long as you think changing H will stop the pain you'll keep trying to go that route. At some point when you've suffered enough you'll let go.

Until then I want to continue to wish you moments of peace and faith that it will pass and get better.