25yearsmlc 10 yrs later I File D (part 4)

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=beatrice]This suicide/murder story is so very sad.

It reminds us of the very strong emotions that swirl around the break-up of long term marriages and how much pain and suffering they cause.

Yes...(Good to see you Beatrice...sort of, if you know what I mean)

Both d28 & d19 are seeing T's and d19 is on meds. (She did make the dean's list however). S31 is, imo, taking on too much of the "big brother" role. Calls me almost daily.

He wrote a statement to help me undo the waiver I signed when I got out of the hospital. (The one my MD h handed me, after I'd been in a neuro unit & was simply screwed up). What s31 wrote was all true but horrible to read so I can only imagine how it must have felt for him.

Point is, even though 2 of my kids are out of the house on their own, they are wounded and so of course is the youngest. And I see a T, I'm in a DivorceCare group and have a ton of support nearby. Actually I just laughed a bit,

b/c the only one NOT in therapy of any sort, is h... No divorce is painless.



The view that 'these things happen' needs to be challenged. My (adult) children's lives, and mine are forever changed. We are not living in the past, and have all forged good lives, but the past casts a long shadow. And since my xh is still not happy you have to wonder!



how can one know the WAS is not happy?

Not sure how one would know how their ex is doing emotionally other than their words, which we cannot trust.

From my h's FB posts - he is SO HAPPY...with the "love of his life" which he posted within 6 weeks of sep and yes, I can see the crazy, over the top piece of that.

( I would not post that if I had an ex boyfriend of 6 months, just b/c I'd know it was hurtful.) So he's over compensating AND OR rubbing my nose in it AND OR lacks the empathy gene.


Of course I am not advocating that unhappy and dysfunctional marriages should be forced to endure, but the idea that it is normal to divorce after 10, 15, 20, 25, 30 years or more of marriage does need questioning.

I So agree. Yes it does need a lot of questioning. H did zero IC maybe ever...

I worry how Our children will react when they face inevitable challenges in their own m's. That haunts me. My Kids think I stayed too long.

My kids supported my filing, & think that i stayed too long. That Is painfully bittersweet. They saw things I missed or looked away from, which is a huge part of my therapy/IC.
Or what if I had left earlier?

What could I have recovered in my new life, then? Or what might h have learned and then maybe changed?

What if H and I had had an authentic discussion (without any shame, a huge problem for h)? What if we had done that - years ago, what might have been? What could we have salvaged?

What if h had known then, the cost of his choices?


maybe if the WAS's knew the future ramifications of their choices, or thought it out realistically, they'd make different choices. How would you make that happen?
That might be the type of counseling we could hope for. I mean, it's not that different from those financial projections the CPA's and CFP's do.

Get a shrink or therapist to say "statistics show that children of divorce in THESE situations tend to --- "thrive/survive/take a dive" under the following conditions..." etc.

OR "chances are that your finances will suffer forever OR for a decade, dating will/will not be what you hope for, AP's will reveal flaws,
your kids will never, ever see you in the same light, your companion whom you once loved and probably could have worked things out with, is not really even your friend anymore and guess what?

You will miss them someday - and your "family" vacations and graduations and weddings and grandchildren's births - will not be approached or enjoyed or experienced the same way or at the same level as they would have been...some people will blame you, some will resent you the rest of your life..and they will have problems in their r's, some of which are related to seeing your choices..and after your death, you will Not be remembered for being a great h or father but for leaving them..."

Wow, now that I write that out, I guess I feel better in one way. The LBSer who does not fall apart, must remind themselves of the above facts that are Not true for them.
They will remember us showing up for them.

It's the WAS who has to live with the second thoughts and doubts and looking over the shoulder to see how the LBSer is doing...

whereas we have no choice but to live well.

Mostly, when I go down the rabbit hole of "What if we had honesty back then...??"

I think if we had an authentic fully truthful discussion, h would have told me things that would have killed me to know.

I'll never be sure, but I now feel that way. (e.g. "25's not my priority. I need to get my way or to live life as a single man - but I know how that sounds, so I'll keep dressing it up as something else...")

And I bought the dressed up excuses. I did not want to see what seems obvious to me now, in retrospect. I did the heavy lifting for most of our m.

OR maybe he'd have made some sort of moral change (that seems very unrealistic at the moment.)
If he had rearranged his priorities we would not be here. I would not have filed for divorce - I really was committed.

Now that I'm not trying to fit into his dreams I can figure out what mine are. I mean, I want to embrace what life threw at me.

What healthy choice do I have?



It is easier to break up a long term marriage than it is to unilaterally dissolve a business relationship in many jurisdictions.

well, we/they THINK it's easier...but I take your point.