His behavior is mentally abusive, what kind of father/husband would rather party than caring to his own children when he know that his wife is in need of help.
This is indeed horrible behavior. And I don't think you'll find anyone more opposed to walking out on a marriage on these forums than me.
I think that making big conclusions about him as a father is a bit too soon. If in 1, 3, 5, and 10 years he is still prioritizing his social life in front of his kids, then yes, I think it's safe to say he is a negligent father. But this is so fresh I see his avoidance as nothing more than him running away to try to get space. The more he feels T0 tugging the leash the further he is running. This doesn't excuse the behavior, I am just clarifying that this is a very small sample size and it could be a symptom of their domestic issues and not a reflection of what type of dad he'll be for the kids in the long term. The kids deserve a father so the kindest thing for them to do is ease up on the anger and judgment, understand that he's a bit out of control like now like a child throwing a tantrum, let the dust settle, and keep a smooth road home for him to his children if nothing else.
I have no problem documenting facts, but I wouldn't be doing it with an escalated mindset. There's a balance between protecting yourself and your children and preparing to go to war. For me personally I didn't want my kids growing up in a household where their parents were battling in court, and to me that was worth letting go of a lot of small stuff. Big stuff I get, and it's worth being prepared. But it's like buying a handgun for protection. Keep it unloaded and locked up, don't get it locked and loaded with an itchy trigger finger looking for a reason.
In all, before anything becomes clear the dust needs to settle, then some time needs to pass. T0 can't control him and doing so only stirs the dust up again, but if she calms down and stops thrashing around then little by little it will settle. Because like WAH, T0 is pretty escalated and isn't at her best either. I don't agree with some of some of her actions, but I don't think of her as an angry woman, she is simply going through hell right now and it's hard for anyone to cope.
My DB coach told me these things. She said "Let the dust settle". She also told me I could tell WAW "We are making choices that will permanently impact the future of our family. It makes sense to be at our best when we make those choices and I don't think either of us can say that right now. Would it make sense to slow things down a little until we feel we're on our best game?"
Ironically, as much as I loathe WAH for walking away, he was the one that was saying he wanted space and he wanted time, and T0 kept pushing and escalating. And REGARDLESS of what WAH is saying at this moment, when she starts giving him space and time and taking care of her side of the sandbox, I think WAH will change his behavior. It might not be on the timelines T0 wants or needs. It might not be enough for her to look in his direction again. It might not be enough for him to want to return. Who knows? But that's just it. The future is uncertain. We can't control it, we just do our part to give God a chance to work a miracle. If nothing else we can feel good when we look in the mirror and take some satisfaction in the road we walk.
Get some rest this weekend when you can T0. We all have our own beliefs, but we are all in your corner and wishing you the absolute best.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
