Limerence and My Situation

[25yearsmlc]

25yearsmlc,

What else would it be..?

I totally agree your comment on the LBS being in limerence and I possibly am if you mean I have an infatuation of my W yes I do, that I have bonded with her and crystallised that, yes I have. That my R with my W has deteriorated no brainer.

Does this sound familiar... You're here also.

I am not now seeking a reconciliation, as DBing for me was a once in a lifetime deal.

I don't say that in anger, I say that in recognition of reality.

I was here 10 years ago obsessing about my h's possible MLC. I spent a solid year trying to figure out what he was doing/why/how he was feeling/thinking/planning.

A year I'll never get back, and during which I was not fully present for my kids. I was way too preoccupied. I regret this deeply.

In the 2nd year I put an internal timeline for my limbo and knew that when d1 graduated from HS, I'd be DONE. I began to seriously GAL and detach. Still have a PMA but was readying myself for life without h but with happiness.

Then We reconciled shortly before she finished high school & we stayed m for 10 years.

I know we recon b/c I came here and GAL and DB'd my rear end off.

But maybe, just maybe, I was wrong. (Maybe I should have really faced h's behavior for what it was, dishonest selfish and pretty crazy).

Or maybe my mistake was how we carried on after.

All I know is that while we reconciled, we did not piece well. H never got, nor did I emphasize the need for him to seek IC to face the wreckage he created and to gird himself for the long haul repair work he needed to do with our d's

a problem that bothers him to this day - and which is probably part of why we are divorcing now.

In fact, only a few months after reconciling (VICTORY!!! I'm done, right??)

h's mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer so we shelved the piecing part - assuming we would have done it right in the first place -

and we never got back to it. Piecing is, imo, the hardest part of these ordeals and yet few people get to do it. Many try, and end their m's.

I don't believe you have given any thought to piecing b/c you are solely focussed on getting your w back as if that is the end game. It's not. You seem to have algebraic formulas for something far less scientific than you believe. I understand the need to make sense of why your life has turned upside down. We get it.

It's about feeling such a loss of control of your life and future, that you cling to what seems like the best way or approach or method or research to manage this loss saying your beliefs are "based on fact...she is on fantasy island with LO"...

(as if those^^^ clauses are not oddly juxtaposed)

Mark, I'm concerned you are doing no preparation for the reality she may not return.
You say you understand that she may not return and you sound as if you get that cognitively - but I'm not sure you have thought out what that means for YOU...your life.


if your w had died in a car crash (God forbid), and enough time had passed that you had grieved and after which you were mostly healed...

would you curl up in the fetal position? No.

I think you'd be the best dad to your kids that you could be and I think you'd model for them how to heal. You would show them What a strong man of honor does when faced with a blow to his heart, b/c they would be looking to you as their model...

so, imagine if you were in the situation where you were a recovered widower but you were happy in your new life

what would that^^^ look like? Details...would you change jobs? Move? Would you take up a new hobby, or learn a language or go back to school? I know you'd be a single dad for awhile, but what things would you do that you believe would help you be happy?

Volunteer, coach, JOIN/VISIT -

in other words, what would a happy life without your w, be like?


That's something I hope you'll spend some energy on. Because you can do some of those things, now.

Paradoxically I happen to believe, strongly, that it is you being happy without her, genuinely,

that is most likely to attract her back anyhow...
.



Limerence is how mother nature makes us animals populate the world that's all, we choose a mate and chemicals start to build that allows our attention to remain with him/her and build a dependency - phase 1. Moving on we then copulate and bring a new born animal into the world - phase 2, once this is completed we either continue or move on to another mate - phase 3!

I'm very familiar with it, and with falling in love and keeping it going. My m was a long one. Mostly a happy one.

I also believe love is always at least partly a choice.

The way you describe limerence seems to equate it to love, and that makes me a bit sad. As if there is no spiritual element or moral compass or commitment, other than those based on biochemicals.

I think there may be more to your w's A than these chemicals and if you reduce it to that, you may miss a crucial lesson.

What are your w's love languages? And how do you give love?

This three-stage process has been proved look into PEAS and the chemical cocktail this process produces.

"The obsessive parts, the romanticizing of the other person, idealizing (OR negating them) the intense fear of rejection, the dependence, intrusive thoughts about the other person..." Is this all summed up as phase 1 - infatuation..?

"If your m was actually a good solid one and this still happened, I would have lower expectations of a recon." Based on what?


based on the reality that if you were a short tempered idiot, you'd know what to work on to improve. If you were lazy or a sloth and she complained that you did not help her with the home or kids or have a job, you'd know exactly what to work on in YOU.

Can you see how that would be empowering to you?

Instead you say things were really good as if to say that she should just wake up and realize how great she had it. That mostly leaves it up to her to discover...

And That might happen...or she may miss the kids enough to return or she may fight for full custody ? Who knows?

But I've been here long enough to know that the LBSers who work on themselves by confronting their own roles in the crisis in the marriages, & work on self actualizing for themselves, are a lot happier down the road, no matter what.

That is why I believe the BEST news a MC can give someone is that they themselves have some work to do.

it's a rare WAS who returns to the marriage they left, unless they believe the marriage will be different/better than before.

Right or wrong, it's up to the LBSer to show the WAS that they will 1) be fine without the WAS

but also 2) a lot better as a spouse in the repaired/restored m.

What is new about you? How are you showing her it would be better

and yet that you will be fine, regardless?



I understand people will not leave something for something worse I wouldn't say it was perfect but if and when my WW does come out of limerence and starts to see the AP/LO's flaws (we all have them) do I not stand a better chance of R..?


I'd rather she see you as a man only a fool would leave.