Had a rough last two nights. Feeling overwhelmed doing all of this alone. Baby was up until 115 then night before and then 2 last night. I came to stay with my mom last night after I finished my paper so she could help with the baby. I feel like a walking zombie. H came over after work yesterday.
I told him I needed his help. We needed to put our differences aside and he needs to be here a couple nights a week on the couch to help with the baby. He said no. He said he's tired too he's been going to work at 330 am because he can't sleep.
So I asked him if he won't do that then last night would he stay at the house with the dogs so I could go to my moms. He said no he was expected at his boss. He needed to do his laundry and get ready to leave for the concert. I just shook my head. I said I don't even know you anymore. He blew up on me that I make him miserable. He f'ing hates me. He left me because he can't stand to be around me What a nice mother I am that I had to push him away. I told him we aren't a project you just give up on. I don't care if you're done with me no man or father or decent human being leaves someone at home with 3 kids one being a month old while I'm in school. I said keep telling yourself whatever you have to do to sleep better at night.
He told me yesterday he still couldn't watch the kids unless it was until 11. So I said that my mom was watching them in the afternoon for my study group that she cancelled her plans but he could take them this morning so I could get some things done. He said he had to work. He wasn't at work.
Every single words out of his mouth is a lie. I am questioning our entire life together. I'm questioning who I've been sleeping next to. All of his words sound so coached. He still continues to talk to the woman his mom was friends with. She messaged me Thursday to tell me I need to let go and move on. I didn't reach out to her. She told me obviously H made a mistake coming back after last time and that I have a lot of problems if he has to leave me twice. That I don't see that. I just replied I'm working on myself but I'm not the one that left. I'm still here caring for our children alone. She replied with more stuff about how our kids are better off then living ina. Volatile situation. I didn't reply. I'm not feeding into her.
There was no volatile situation. My kids knew nothing. He was sleeping in the room kissing me doing things as a family. They had no idea. I won't take blame on me where I don't deserve it.
There is no repairing this. He is so far gone. I look at him and he is so angry. It is worse than last time. I was going to follow him to see who he took to this concert because of the flirting I saw on fb but I decided fnot to. It takes away time from me with my children. The truth will Come out eventually.
My dad and H's mom both said his world will come crashing down again. They said I cannot be there to pick him up. Last time he didn't suffer any consequences. They said he knows he can do whatever he wants and I'm still there waiting for him.
