ILYBINILWY - OW - what to do next

[SJW]

It's been very evident last night and today that he resents his life with me and the children he wants his own time an space but keeps asking where I going what I am doing tonight?

He wants me to work on the house whilst he works on the garden as he sees the house being sold as his release from us and there's stuff we need to get done in order to get it on the market. I am struggling to hold it together and could really do with getting out of here for a little while. My D8 is so clingy to me though and has been for a few weeks in hindsight, am I being really selfish if I disappear for a while?? Like till Tuesday night when he stays over at work!

[SJW]

In the end I told him I was popping out and went to see friends. I got back after a couple of hours and started to get ready as I was going out. I tried not to interact very much with H but got ready whilst he made the kids dinner. He came I the bedroom whilst I was getting ready and asked me for the third time in the day If I was just going out with the one friend and I said yes.

I went downstairs when I was ready and I knew I looked good and for the first time since he made his announcement last Sunday I actually felt good about ME! The look on his face was a picture and he told me how nice I looked. I went to say goodbye to the kids and my S told me I looked beautiful and D was like I love you hair Mummy. I literally strutted out of the house and had a brilliant night with my close group of girlfriends, realised that actually yes I am going to be OK and got home at 3.30am.

This morning I am slightly hungover but still feeling positive so hopefully it continues. I find it hardest when I'm with him there's an awkwardness between us and that's difficult to cope with but I have to get through that for the sake of the children.

[SJW]

We sat down and talked last night initiated by him and rightly or wrongly I told him what a huge mistake I thought he was making. We talked through the events of last week and how ridiculous this all is and he couldn't disagree but continued with the she makes me happy! I think I may have fuelled these feelings by not getting up until really late yesterday and leaving him with the children as I think he resents that I have a life and he has work and the kids. I know that's not my fault but she is the escape route, their little bubble of fantasy land. He doesn't really have friends, hasn't really ever when I think about it, don't get me wrong he's a really sociable guy and we have lots of mutual friends but nobody he is close to.

He is adamant he is taking her away for the weekend after next and even though I asked him not to do that if he had any respect for me he is determined.

What I struggle with is I do know in time I'll be OK I would still like to try and make a go of our M. I have no idea if it will work there have been issues for some time but doesn't every M have issues. Should we have made more of an effort yes definitely. That said in the few weeks before he made him announcement I actually thought we were making more of an effort, how ironic!

[AnotherStander]

I remained calm and when in the house told him that we would work through finances but I didn't feel it was appropriate until the house was sold to be spending money on weekends away with OW. He then started to get really agitated and started washing pots and moving things around and saying that he couldn't do anything without me knowing about it

I've got to tell you, MLCers just absolutely blow my mind. Who in their right mind asks their newly BD'd W for permission to go on a trip with their girlfriend???? It's really quite incredible.

I decided it was time to retire gracefully to let him calm down.

Good! Sometimes that is appropriate and the best course of action. There is nothing wrong with walking away if you feel a fight brewing.

I went downstairs when I was ready and I knew I looked good and for the first time since he made his announcement last Sunday I actually felt good about ME! The look on his face was a picture and he told me how nice I looked.

Good, it helps to hang out with friends, helps to keep you centered. Just try not to make it an H-bashing session! Plus if you show him that you are going to live your life and not sit around moping and waiting for him to change his mind, well that's going to start worrying him. He wants OW, but he wants you on the hook as Plan B as well. He wants you as a safety net. You deserve to be Plan A, not B.

We sat down and talked last night initiated by him and rightly or wrongly I told him what a huge mistake I thought he was making. We talked through the events of last week and how ridiculous this all is and he couldn't disagree but continued with the she makes me happy!

Just be careful about R talks. You should avoid them. Remember Sandi's 37 rules, those rules should drive ALL your convos.

What I struggle with is I do know in time I'll be OK I would still like to try and make a go of our M. I have no idea if it will work there have been issues for some time but doesn't every M have issues.

All M's and all R's have issues. Right now he's in a dreamland where he thinks he and OW will go skipping off into the sunset without a care in the world. Eventually he'll realize that he and OW have their own issues. What happens then is hard to predict, but it's doubtful their R will last. But until then, keep getting out and GAL'ing and making yourself the spouse only a fool would leave!

[SJW]

Thank you AnotherStander your timing is impeccable I am having a particularly tough day today. The weekend away is playing on my mind massively and he's back at work and so is she.

Added to this my work situation has been absolutely awful for a while now and the night he BD'd I was going to discuss with H me quitting the following day. Now I feel trapped not because I have to stay totally for financial reasons but it's a massive step given the situation and it gives me routine each day, on the flip side it makes me even more miserable.

[SJW]

I don't know how to do the quote thing but When I said we discussed the events of last week. I didn't refer to our R I was referring to theirs and how she had picked him up and dropped him depending on if her husband was at home. Is that OK?

[AnotherStander]

Added to this my work situation has been absolutely awful for a while now and the night he BD'd I was going to discuss with H me quitting the following day. Now I feel trapped not because I have to stay totally for financial reasons but it's a massive step given the situation and it gives me routine each day, on the flip side it makes me even more miserable.

BD is nothing if not an enormous inconvenience You'll have to put some things on hold like that job change. It doesn't mean it will never happen, it just can't happen right now. I'm very sorry you're going through this, it's not permanent but it certainly feels that way early on. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other for now!

[SJW]

Thanks again AnotherStander I've spent some time reading through some detachment posts as I think that's what I have to do. The weekend away may or may not happen but it's over a week away so deal with it if and when it happens. I know I can come here, my kids will be with me and I will be surrounded by love from amazing friends. As you say one foot in foot in front of the other and one hour at a time :-)

[SJW]

After an awful day emotionally yesterday I was driving home from work and suddenly started to feel much better, stronger and more positive. It was almost as if I'd accepted what was happening and realised nothing is going to change overnight this is a long haul process and I need to get myself in shape (mentally and emotionally) to ride the rollercoaster.

I arrived home and H was still at football with the kids. They arrived back and the kids were full of stories about school and he made them snack whilst we chatted. It's funny but it's like I'm looking at them for the first time again at the moment and the love I feel for them is all consuming which is good. He went for a run and got them into bed and had a shower when he got back he dropped the next bomb he'd told his Mum. I asked what he had told her and he said that basically he wasn't in love with me anymore although he still cared and everything was fine the kids didn't know and wouldn't for a while. I asked if he told her about OW he said yes briefly and that his Mum didn't really say much. He then started to ask about mutual friends and said he felt he needed to talk to our 3 best friends and explain and ask them to take care of me. I said he didn't need to ask them that it was a given and it was up to him if he wanted to talk to them. He went to shower and his Mum called me and that's when the tears came, the last person on earth I thought I would break down to but him telling her just made it more final.

She was furious with him and said his Dad was too and his Dad was going to call him to talk to some sense into him and he'd come to his senses. If only it were that simple!

This morning I'm trying not to keep analysing and to focus on work and getting through another day. I'm in a better place than I was yesterday up to now and I'm hoping it will stay that way.

[SJW]

Just had an email from the school to say my S has won an award which will presented at assembly on Thursday and can we be there. It's just brought me crashing down with a bump the thought of going to the school and pretending everything is normal. I've forward the email to my H and he should be there but I'm torn between the pain of going and sharing such a happy experience when I feel so sad about us and him saying he can't make it the disappointment that will bring.