I think my fear is mostly that whenever I am firm she showed anger and whenever I retreat she showed concern.
I am curious about your personality type. Can you describe how you projected firmness to her?
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My other fear is not knowing for 100% if she is being genuine. So we are going through counseling, we are both acknowledging flaws, but is she really interested in making it work? If so, then why the reluctance to stop talking to OM?
Many WW's want the best of both worlds. She wants to keep her H as her BFF, plus she wants to keep her OM. She gets the benefits of being in a M to you.......and she gets the thrill of an affair on the side. Currently, it appears she is not ready to end the affair. If you google affair addiction, it can explain it much better. When your W has not had contact with OM in a day or so.........she may get cranky, or other negative symptoms. On the way home from the counselor, she probably had the desire to talk to the OM, even then. She gets a "high" from contacting the OM, and that is why she is reluctant to stop.
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But with that comes the fear as to what is the point of trying to fix it if she isn't yet willing to stop talking to him.
Well, if she was committed to working on the MR, and with that commitment she stopped the affair in its tracks..........the MC would certainly be more effective. Currently, your W may not be ready to get a divorce, but neither is wanting to end her A. The M can be saved, but it may mean that you have to emotionally let her go.
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And all of that is further complicated by the fact how we both haven't slept well and how the weather is giving her major migraines. And how because of OM's hours he doesn't usually talk to her until midnight or 1am and him telling her she needs to go to sleep. All of this is happening at the same time when she has this inner turmoil about not being in love anymore, that she tried for a decade and now suddenly I seem to be finally getting it.
Is she talking to OM as she is lying in bed with you? Just wondered how you knew what he was saying to her.
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I also just don't know to say how I feel about it without it getting to a fight....
We can work with you on what to say and do. For now, I think it is extremely important that you get out of the house and find things to do that you enjoy. Get a life without her involvement. Give her space from you........and try not to look heart broken as you do it. Take care of yourself, and let her take care of herself. Do not try to rescue her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
