Limerence and My Situation

[Parkema]

Morning sandi2,

I'm glad you responded as you are in a unique position to give advise having been on both sides and I thank you.

Your post is quite long and I'll endeavour to outline where my situation is which I hope will clear up some of the questions you put towards me in a minute.

As you know my original thread was about limerence and I find it interesting that once you gained an understanding of it's behaviours you began to get your life back into some kind of order. Can I ask a few questions..?

1.How long did it take you to realise?
2.Did your H do anything in aiding it's escalation?
3.Was the AP/LO the reason you came out of limerence?
4.What made you look into it?

I'm not about to teach people to "suck eggs" here as most of what I'm about to say is well known in these forums but this is a personal thread about me and my experiences so far and I just want to share.
I ask Q.2 mainly because I hope he was working to make himself better for himself by working on the things he possibly fell down on when you two were together, I hope he started to demonstrate a better person to you and this in some way aided your decision. Did you go back to him? Did the AP/LO return to his W&F? Was this all guilt based? I'm sorry to ask so many questions as I feel you are wanting me to answer a few to better help me in my progress.

Please all understand I know this can be a long process with no guarantee's of success especially without action BUT I'm all about action that's why I'm here...

Sandi you can have a massive impact on helping those on these boards and I know you already have been, so I'm sorry you're now my guru
I get posts back from members who would suggest that limerence cannot be relied upon to end, I FEEL they don't believe in the process. For those people I ask you this. Why are you here? Limerence in basic terms has 3-stages:
1. Infatuation - nothing in the entire world can feel better than how I feel about my LO.
2. Crystilisation - the don't get in our way or else stage and a more bonding time for both.
3. Detireation - When the cracks start to appear, are you actually better than my H and our LTR?

I personally am willing to allow (I say allow I can't control her anyway) my WW to reach stage 3 but whilst I do that I'm working on myself and getting better and better each day. There may come a time where I no longer want my W back who knows BUT I'm all about my family and will not allow anybody to say to me I didn't do all I could to rectify the issues my W and I had to keep all of us together. I don't want to regret not trying everything and D as this would eat me up inside and wreck all of our lives even though WW doesn't think it in her present state...

My strategies are founded on these facts about limerence.

Coming back to my situation, I feel it might be best to outline a typical day we experience and see whether your views change.
I HAVE THE BOYS AT MY HOME.
1. They wake up and get ready for school. Have breakfast and sit down until carer takes them.
2. WW FaceTimes the boys on their iPad to say morning, this is done in their bedroom no contact with me at all.
3. I walk to work.
4. I arrive home from work and carer is busy doing homework or whatever with S10 & S7.
5. Carer leaves and I start to make dinner for us three.
6. WW arrives at my home where I stay civil and ask if she's okay and then remove myself to another part of the house or go into the garden and potter around.
7. WW initiates a conversation with me about our next visitation, when and where. All very business-like.
8. 15 minutes after she arrives she's gone again.

Throughout the day I make no contact whatsoever with the WW unless it's an emergency (thank god not happened yet).

SHE HAS THE BOYS AT THE FAMILY HOME.
1. I wake up do my work-out shower have breakfast and then FaceTime the boys on their iPads. No conversation with WW.
2. I walk to work.
Throughout the day I make no contact whatsoever with the WW unless it's an emergency (thank god not happened yet).
3. I walk home from work and greet the boys at my home due to the WW finishing later (a whole hour later than she's supposed to) and allow the carer to leave. This financially beneficial.
4. I prepare the boys items Burgan and school shoes uniform in readiness for the WW to arrive.
5. WW arrives and picks up the boys, again I detach myself as best I can and they return back to TFH.
6. Around bedtime I FaceTime the boys again to wish them a goodnight.
If a conversation was to happen it takes place when I'm waving goodbye to them in the car. Again all over within 15 minutes.

As you can see we interact for a maximum of an hour and a half a week maybe a little more if birthdays are involved of some sort of school event a party say but then possibly a further half an hour tops a week.
I NEVER initiate any contact at all throughout this period except to answer the door and be civil (English don't you know).

What am I doing to aid the limerence process...

Setting some not very strong boundaries, LC no texts, emails or calls at all just the face-to-face above.
No pursuing her at all in fact she pursues me on occasions.
Working on my attractiveness - P.I.E.S.
Showing her that I am a good rounded confident happy person who she can feel safe around when she needs some place to share her issues. Not happened yet but I feel she knows she can come to me if she needs to talk about anything (I will not talk about the A or our R).
GALing I am getting out much more often now and this is beginning to have an effect. I feel she is making this into a competition - you go out I go out, so what. An example this Thursday I am going to a comedy club with work colleagues and need to be left my home by 18:00. I will be suited and booted and looking my best and leaving at the same time my WW will be picking up the boys! How do you think that will go down?
Being nonchalant about her o so sad little A that is ripping her life apart, friends have dropped her my boys show a little less respect especially S10.
180 - "You look happy, that's all I want is for you to be happy" and "don't worry it will all work out it always does" when I feel she is fishing or the A is beginning to have a slight affect on her. I have done this about 4 times since I separated.
DR'ing obviously.

I understand you views on showing her what it will be like if we were to D but only seeing her for a maximum of 1 and a half hours a week granted face-to-face what more can I do? I L my WW and want my marriage to be back stronger than ever I don't think that's likely to happen if I cant demonstrate to her she has messed up the best option for hers and our futures by choosing to remain in the A with her AP/LO.

There you go.

Sorry for the long post.

Take care and look after the one's you L.

Mark.