Maybe She Isn't Evil

[RDS]

Journal time.

I finally moved to a different state 600 miles from home for my new job a week ago. The apartment I’m living at is 100 times better than the last apartment I lived, but nowhere near as great as our dreamhouse my W and I lived in for 15+ years. The morning I moved I stopped by my W’s office to help her with some computer issues she had. When I was leaving she gave me the longest and deepest hug I’ve had in years. I tried to pull away a time or two but she kept pulling me closer. After we broke our embrace we kissed for the first time since the BD date. It wasn’t a passionate kiss, but there was feeling in it. I looked into her eyes and I told her I loved her. It was nearly two years since I told her that. I not only told her I loved her deeply, but I also told her I was unfortunately still IN LOVE with her. Tears welled in eyes and I knew she was seconds from bursting into a full-blown meltdown. I kissed her a couple of more times before I left.

Oh, as usual, she had packed me a “goody” bag for my trip. Luckily, some things never change.

We’ve talked once since I’ve been here, and a couple of texts, and that’s it.

I was more melancholy than sad. I still want to be married to her in the worst way, but that will have to be way down the road because she isn’t stopping the divorce. If I’m to be married to her again it will be a remarriage. I hold out a little hope but with so many miles between us I am a realist to the slim possibilities.

I don’t think I would change a thing on how I did things after she left me. My W and I get along well. I make her laugh again and she knows I’m incredibly ashamed of how I acted the last few years of our M. I long ago stopped blaming her for the destruction of our M; even though her spending habits and refusal to work caused me to stay angry at her for years.

After my W left me I went to an IC and I hired a marriage coach. I cannot stress enough how the marriage coach helped me through this. Even though my M won’t be saved my sanity dealing with my W remained intact because of the guidance the coach provided. Without the coach and this board I am sure I would have acted inappropriately many times over the year. I might have acted so childish and tried to be “right” our feelings might have turned to hate. I don’t know.

I didn’t post much, but I did voraciously read nearly every thread; especially in the early days. It helped. A lot.

For some stupid reason I joined Match and paid for a 3 months. I browsed through the amble postings but I’m just not into it yet. There are many amazing (judging by their posts) women out there, but I’m not ready to pull the trigger. During my dark days of my M I always thought going on dates again with other women would be fun. Now the thought of dating almost terrifies me.