Hi Parkema, I found your thread today and found you to be interesting. I wish I could say I found the situation to be extraordinary, but sadly, this forum is filled with similar stories. Btw, I feel honored that you read some of my posts. Ten years ago I stumbled into the DB board, and had no clue how to find my way around the community, b/c I had never even looked at forum. Perhaps that was a picture, of sorts, of my life at that time. I had certainly lost my way, and needed help in getting back where I belonged.

I have become familiar with the wayward wife, both by personal experience and from gaining insight from others. I believe we learn from each other, and that is why this board is successful in their support for one another.

I agree with a lot of your statements about limerence. One of the most informative advice I received was about PEAS. The scientific study in how affairs affect the brain, and how it works similar to other addictions. In fact, I have to give a lot of credit to that information as being a big part of me successfully ending my own affair.

Anyway, enough about me........I really wanted to offer some suggestions on your situation with your WW. As wonderful a man as you sound, and even adding improvements.......there are certain things that attract the WW that might seem very counterintuitive to her H. Since logic seems lost on the wayward, they usually have to learn through live pictures, or experience the hard way. I hope we can recommend a few to you.

Strangely enough, the WW sees herself as dumping the H for a better option that fills her emotional needs. Btw, she operates almost completely on her feelings at the moment, thus adding more frustration to the logically minded H. I say that as a warning, b/c some of my advice could sound illogical to you. So.......back to the idea of her dumping the H for another guy, the truth is.......she doesn't fully believe he can be happy without her. She doesn't believe he will ever love any other woman the way he loves her. In fact, she secretly wants him to pine away for her, as he sees her living happily ever after with the OM. At the very least, she wants him to remain available......just in case things don't work out with Mr. Wonderful (OM).

If I had seen my H moving forward and being happy without me.....and especially if it involved the possibilty that I could be replaced.........I believe it would have jerked my head around so fast that I would have forgoten all about the OM, and whatever fantasy I had attached. And, I have discovered, it wasn't just my opinion.......but it's true in most WW cases. The WW mindset is crazy........and she wants what she believes she can't have....or what she is losing.

Currently, your W is not concerned (at least enough) about losing your availability. And, why should she be worried, when you have been so.......well, available? What can you do to change that picture? I would start with not being so available for her daily visitations. You don't have to tag along on the times she wants to see the boys, do you? In fact, getting all guy-dolled and acting as if you have plans to go out while she's with the kids.......would add some mystery. I never advise anyone to lie about anything. However, she has removed herself from rightly deserving to know the details of you GAL, right? Now you may not go anywhere but to the library, the movies, or to walk around the mall........but she doesn't get all those little details......although she will be curious as to where you went, what you did, and most importantly....who was there with you! Am I suggesting you intentionally try to make her jealous? No! I'm saying to let her think whatever. It's not your job to explain anything. She has lost her " Wife's Right to Know" license.

I think it's important that she sees another living picture. When separated, she doesn't get to go by your house for a daily visit. Yes, I know it is hard when she doesn't get to see her children every day, however, she needs to put her big girl panties on, b/c this is part of the separation/divorce package. It's called The Real Life of Divorced Families. Don't you think she should see a glimpse of that future picture (should she continue this affair)? For now, we can ponder on how to deal with it without you having to just come out and tell her she can't visit every day. Does she call in advance? How long does she usually stay?

What about text messaging or phone conversation? You know, this is a source for her keeping ties on your life. It is also a way of using you to satisfy her need to check on the boys, or fill her time when OM isn't available, etc. What can you do to slow down this availability?

Does she make a habit of coming by, or calling, about the same time.........or do you never know what time of day/night she may decide to drop by or call to talk to the boys? In other words, does she want to come by around bedtime so she can tuck them into bed, or call to say goodnight? Observe the times and see if there is a pattern.

At this point, I can almost sense your resistance. I want to say something that I often have difficulty communicating in a tender manner. I do not mean this to sound harsh, b/c my heart empathizes with your situation. I understand how willing and how much you want your kids to see their mother every chance possible. I understand how you don't wish to deny your W seeing her children. Not doing so may seem punitive to you. I don't pretend to believe it would be a pleasure in preventing it. With that said, let me add this part. Often times, the children are the excuse for the parents to see each other. They are the excuse used when the parents contact one another to "check and see how the kids are doing". They are the excuse for responding immediately to every text message, etc. They may not see it in themselves, but I see this all the time. Not only does the wayward wife use it, but so does the betrayed H. It is difficult to break those emotional crutches, so they tell themselves, as well as us, that they need to check on the kids. That they only have conversations regarding the kids. For now, I only want you to observe her words to see how much are really about or to the kids.....and how much are between the two of you.... and, visa versa. Anyway, I just wanted to suggest that you notice it, okay?

I hope you stick with posting often.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!