I think my fear is mostly that whenever I am firm she showed anger and whenever I retreat she showed concern.
But I know I need to stop validating OM and what role he plays. You are right in saying he should have retreated. And I am trying to figure out if he tried to and she wouldn't let him or other way around. Especially since he is still living with his ex-girlfriend who cheated on him. (in fact she is living rent free apparently.)
My other fear is not knowing for 100% if she is being genuine. So we are going through counseling, we are both acknowledging flaws, but is she really interested in making it work? If so, then why the reluctance to stop talking to OM?
That her mindset is different from the day we met is something I realized a month and a half ago. But with that comes the fear as to what is the point of trying to fix it if she isn't yet willing to stop talking to him. And maybe she has stopped talking after the counselor. Maybe her saying she wasn't ready to do that made her feel sad and guilty and she is now in inner turmoil. So by giving her space and letting her work through things I hope she comes to the realization what needs to happen. Maybe I need to wait until at least the second counseling session next Wednesday.
Her recognizing that yesterday when she was about to be late for an appointment and her blaming me for that and me resisting the urge to fight and confront her about that but simply saying "that's not very nice" led her to apologize later at night and saying to me how she fell into old habits and how she took me for granted during that moment. Maybe that made her realize she needs to stop talking to OM or maybe she brought it up and he said something. Or maybe she doesn't know who she wants to focus on.
And all of that is further complicated by the fact how we both haven't slept well and how the weather is giving her major migraines. And how because of OM's hours he doesn't usually talk to her until midnight or 1am and him telling her she needs to go to sleep. All of this is happening at the same time when she has this inner turmoil about not being in love anymore, that she tried for a decade and now suddenly I seem to be finally getting it.
Do I need to be careful? Absolutely. But do I also need to give her some space to figure things out especially since we ARE going to MC? Probably.
Now do I need to stop validating OM? Yes, I have been way too positive about it. But I also just don't know to say how I feel about it without it getting to a fight....
