ILYBINILWY - OW - what to do next

[AnotherStander]

I think I've gone through every emotion in the past 24 hours and now I just feel completely drained and devastated.

Very sorry you're going through this It's difficult, nothing we can say is going to sugarcoat it. You're going to grieve and be miserable for a while. Come here and vent. Find a friend that is NOT attached to your H in any way, someone you can talk to and be confident that what you say will NEVER get back to him. DO NOT confide in mutual friends because that WILL get back to him and you don't want that.

I know I'll keep going through all the different emotions. I know I need to keep focused and be strong for myself and my kids but right now I just feel so low. I feel like I need to have a really good cry and let it all out but it just won't come.

Once it does it'll just seem like it never stops, and that's OK, it needs to happen. Just try to find a private place to do it. I would cry all the way to work (half hour commute) and then gather myself up for the day. Then cry like a baby all the way home, pull it together to walk in so my kids wouldn't see that, then close the bedroom door and cry some more. Good grief I have NEVER cried like that. It was awful, but needed to happen.

Just reading about validation and I'm confused. Am I supposed to validate his R with OW?

Absolutely NOT! An affair should never, ever be validated or approved of in any way. What he is doing is WRONG. Same for the woman, she's married too, they should both be ashamed. Two married people, all I can say is it doesn't speak highly to the character of either of them. Validation is specifically for feelings, for example if your spouse tells you that you never listened to them then you ask them if it that makes them angry and frustrated, if they say yes then you reply with "yes I can tell you're angry because you feel I never listened to you, I am sorry I made you feel that way." You're acknowledging their feelings. But not regarding an affair, no!