Originally Posted By: sandi2 I'm not sure if you are a meek and gentle man who compromises his boundaries.........or if you have a mistaken concept about DBing. Your W spends time with you on certain days and time with the OM on certain days. It's almost like a visitation schedule between you and the OM. Do you believe your W will be genuinely attracted to a H who is willing to share her with another man b/c he fears losing her? That must be a killer on your dignity.
It is. But I also understand polyamory and I also understand needing to feel not controlled. Even though I didn't try to control her I can see I did. But just to clarify she has maybe seen him five times in total and they had sex twice. I know that's true since the messages indicate when I was gone they only met once and since she doesn't drive and we work at the same place that she doesn't see him a lot. They do text a lot but he works weird hours and I did see their messages are mostly about jokes. It wasn't just sexting although it took up a greater role lately. But I haven't seen any messages since early last w.
These are just my thoughts. I have seen the subject of "control" brought into almost every initial thread of newcomers. Some H's are guilty of trying to control his W. Perhaps they confuse leadership and headship of their family unit, to mean controlling. Traditionally, the H is the protector, provider, and leader over his family. Along with that position comes a tremendous amount of responsibility. I can see how the man would need to feel in control, when facing this grave responsibility.
Some H's who are shell shocked when they arrive to the board, have difficulty implementing the information they receive, and maintain a sense of balance. In other words, he decides EVERYTHING has resulted from him being controlling. In truth, that's not always the case. But then that H will be so concerned about not being blamed as controlling, that he becomes extremely passive. And if he was guilty of controlling, he has exchanged one bad trait for another one that's just as unattractive. So, know yourself and see the truth from a balanced viewpoint. Do not resort to supplication to win the heart of your W. Not faulse pride, but a show of self respect is crucial for the H who wears your shoes.
Quote:
I was hoping that by not forcing her NC she would recognize it was challenging to me and not pursue OM. But detaching and GAL seem so risky especially when there is someone else that delivers some of what she needs (emotional support, sex - last time two or three weeks ago with him). Like, I know I need to stop pursuing her but it just nags at me because that is exactly what I have been doing all these years. And then when she does want to hang out I now constantly wonder is she doing this just to get me off her back and then she can go back to OM. That is an unhealthy thought and I cannot control HER actions but it makes leaving the house seem like a risky choice. Especially when one text message showed when I was getting her food she was just chatting away with him and that was a day before I found out what was happening.
I don't know how to convince you that your W probably does not have the same mindset as she had the day you M her.........unless, she veiled her true self from the beginning. Therefore, the response she may have had in the initial years of the MR, will not necessarily be her current response..........b/c her mindset has turned away from who she was... and has now become foreign.
I understand how you see a risk and can fear bad results. Would I be wrong to suggest most of the fear is due to how you feel uncomfortable in acquiring new attitudes & behavior that reflect male confidence that stands on your values and principles..........and therfore, you see less risk in adapting to a more comfortable approach, howbeit, with a weaker and lesser desired option?
Quote:
And I decided to just nod and say well he is being a friend to you.
Take this as a warning. Do not paint a sweet picture of OM's relationship with your W. She is a M woman and he is a predator. If he was a man of honor, he would immediately sever this so-called "friendship". However, infidelity has no honor! You need to refer to the affair by the correct name. Don't try to give it a cleaner name or description. They have committed adultery. She continues to give him access, while she plays her mind games with her H. The OM is not a friend to the union of holy matrimony. Do not be the counselor for your W's indiscretation. Do not comfort her feelings for another man. It lowers the chance of admiration and attraction for her H.
Identify your enemy, and never trust it, nor compromise with it. Do not allow it to visit your camp, and spread propaganda. Never speak favorably of the enemy to your troops, for this causes confusion and division of loyalty. You must not have comradery with what would greedily devour everything you hold dear to your heart. If you give leeway and/or adapt to the appetite of your enemy.....that which you cherish will inevitibility decay and collapse. Never underestimate its power to enslave and destroy. Understand? When the enemy invades, you either advance or retreat to higher ground..........but neversurrender to the enemy!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
