Is it Midlife Crisis, Walkaway Spouse or the End?

[roist]

I can understand your hesitation to rock the boat. You need to figure out what is best for you.

Confronting a WW rarely results in the situation being instantly fixed. I say rarely but honestly usually it makes things worse. But you just need to prepare yourself for it possibly getting worse as that may be necessary before it gets better. And in life sometimes we have to do the right/best thing REGARDLESS of the outcome.

I would not confront about an affair without solid proof. However if her behavior is not acceptable to you that is the time to put in place a boundary. A word of advice though first. You cannot expect a W who has dumped you, to act the same as a W pre BD. That is not reasonable. However you do not have to live with behavior that is not acceptable to you.

She sees herself as a free W and lives that way. Without condoning it, she is normal to do so. It is consistent. You can no longer control what she does BUT you can control how you let her behave/treat you.

I have not read back enough of your story to comment further. But the comment that sparked my attention was about you backing down from confronting her. I am not saying you should or you need to.confront her but the way you backed down screams at me to let you know how your W will view that:

She goes out living it up. You let her know you want to talk to her about it. She texts saying she won't feel bad for doing what she wants to do. You drop the planned talk. I believe your logic was to keep the peace and not add negativity. That is good. But she views it as you backing down. I will not repeat what sandi discuses many times on this forum. I bow to her superb way of explaining her logic. Please reread her stuff.

I personally believe boundaries are an integral part of a healthy M and essential to saving one. But choose your battles wisely. Don't clamp down left right and center about everything at once.

Lastly from your last few posts it appears your W has it cosy financially. Is she contributing equally? Regardless I can see why she is in no hurry to leave and it has nothing to do with uncertainty but more to do with being comfortable.

Saving a M takes a long time, but the healing cannot begin until the WAS realises it is her demons that are the root of the problem.If too comfortable your W may take a long long time before looking into her issues
She has her solution and for now she is fine living it up

Best wishes