Divorced by 2016

[adinva]

I'm realizing how challenging the transition to dating is for me. I swing from one extreme to the other and find my anxiety med needed to be increased and on top of that swimming a mile or some cardiokickboxing helps with the excess. I know I'm not being rational, so I'm trying to take it really slow until I settle down.

So far I've seen my old friend D twice. The first time was fun but I panicked at the thought of anything physical with him, so we decided to be friends for now and continue getting reacquainted. That is challenging because we both know he wants more than that, and I don't really know what I want. The second time we got together I met him at his house and met his d9 and s12 and immediately thought they were adorable and I connected with them and enjoyed getting out some of my old schoolager skills - I loved my kids' friends when they were that age (any age really) and so I could see really loving these kids. They showed off for me and I heard I made a very good impression. We then went out to dinner and drinks and talked for hours, and hugged goodbye. Still feeling very reserved physically although we have a great time together and great conversation. There's a lot I like about him and I could definitely see moving things forward...but then I feel panicky again.

Since then we've just texted and talked on the phone. He invited me to meet them at a trampoline party place for his son's birthday, and maybe hang out at a pool with them after the party, and I thought that sounded fun. Even potentially meeting the crazy XW sounded ok to me... Then on further thought and some input from friends I decided it was way too soon for me to get attached to his kids and possibly them to me. If I disappear for whatever reason, I don't want there to be any feelings of abandonment or disappointment. I don't mean to blow things out of proportion, but I also don't want to take any chances with the emotions of children who've already been abandoned in a sense by their mom. Also seeing him with his kids gives him an unfair advantage - 25 has always been right about how attractive it is to see a man being awesome with his children. I was very affected by that on our last date.

So, I called off the party/pool plan and made arrangements instead to meet for coffee during work hours. I do really want to continue getting to know him, but it's really hard for me when it requires planning and sitters and fancy dinners. For me, hangin' around time has always been my preference and the best way for me to know if I want to be with someone or not.

I do love texting with him, and talking on the phone.

But with the pool/kids thing, I felt like we should at least be exclusive if I'm going to hang around with his kids. And I feel really strongly that I need to meet more people to know what I want, and I feel trapped when I think of getting in a relationship with one person right now. I feel like I'll miss my chance at enjoying people freely and going on adventures, and that I'll regret and resent that if I get into something now with D and go right back to the preteen kid stage of life. In a year or two I could feel very differently but right now that is how I feel. So I made it very clear to him that I'd be dating other people...and I intend to do that as soon as I can find someone I feel like dating lol. Just haven't started that process yet. So in effect I am currently non-exclusively dating one person.

Part of my issue is that because of my history and emotional makeup and poor choice of partners so far, and commitment to make those poor choices work because *marriage is for life*...I now call into question my values in choosing someone I want to be with. I like a muscular physique...but I know my xh got his by spending all his time in the gym and on weekend runs and trips without me to triathlons. Therefore, maybe other types of physiques should not be ruled out. My friend D doesn't work out because he has custody of small children and doesn't neglect them to spend half a day in the gym. Just one example. So getting more experience out in the world will help me sift out what's really important to me.