Boston Dad in need of Help

[Teppo]

Also, regarding the MBR. Is it best to tell her personally or via text to get out?

Really? If someone else asked this what would you say?


You are defending your marriage, you are saying that this is our sanctuary as husband and wife, and if you are not committed to this marriage then you shouldn't be in the MBR. Is that the kind of message that should be via text?

Understood. I'm just walking on eggshells and I don't want to make a mistake. Thanks

[Teppo]

"I may not have always been the best husband, but I was committed to you. If I hurt you along the way I'm sorry. You cheated on me, good luck with that." Then he completely shut her out, went dark, and went on with his life.

To her, that was like smelling salts

Wow! Great post!

I going to use that line you quoted above instead of reading my letter. That's gold! Thanks for the confidence booster.

Teapot, do NOT use that quote to her... It's the attitude that made the difference, not the words.. I've been on these forums for a little over a year, and I've seen 2 or 3 wayward spouses come on this site.. All three came here because they cheated on their spouses and their spouses were set on divorcing them because of it and moving on.. They fckd up, they knew it, and their spouses wouldn't stand for it.

Be strong, be the best you, don't look to them for approval or acceptance, just do you, that's your best chance..

Ps- one of the most respected posters on this site, sandi2, was a WW. When her H found out, she wanted to move out, her H told her you can go, but don't think you can ever come back.. That got her attention and she stayed.

Why not use that quote? If I say it with confidence won't it be effective? Would it sound like I was pursuing or seem weak? Help me out here. Also the quote from sandi2's husband sounds like it would work in my situation as well.

[Coconut]

I recommend you not try and use comments like these because you don't have the attitude to back them up.. They are just words, words that you are saying in hopes to get a reaction from your wife, not because you mean it.

The people who said these quotes were prepared to say farewell to their wife, they weren't walking on eggshells.

[Accuray]

Teppo,

Be kind to yourself, you're under extreme stress and duress. No one interaction holds the significance you think it does. You don't have to say anything in the deacon meeting and it's not going to matter over the long term. You could give the most brilliant monologue of your life and it also wouldn't matter over the long term.

If W is having an EA its 100% a waiting game and an exercise in not making things worse. All you can really do is stabilize the situation by giving her more space than she's asking for.

Acc

[Teppo]

I'm just curious Acc and Coconut, when you guys were going through your divorce did you implement the DB methods on your wives? Or did you not know about them? If not, did you make the same mistakes as some of us newbies?

Thanks

[Coconut]

Yes, I knew about and tried to implement DB principles easily on in my sitch., but like you I had difficulty detaching so I persued and kept pushing her away.

Because I couldn't detach, or move out on my own, I grew angry with her, so so angry, and instead of just leaving her be I started doing mean things to get back at her, posting her texts to OM on her fire department group chat, etc.

I pretty much made every mistake, because at first I refused to believe my W would do the things everyone was saying WW do.. Well each time I couldn't stop her, couldn't get her to listen to reason, I got angrier.

Finally I got out of my emotional black hole, laid out a strong boundary, she broke it and I was done. In my sitch, my W never once initiated a R conversation, not a single time, and I haven't initiated one since July of last year, my sitch went from start to finish (when I checked out of M) in about 4 months.

Just because I didn't do well at detaching, I really understood the DB process, I GAL, I implemented 180s, I tried to be a lighthouse (but anger kept coming up)..

A year out, I can see back at my primary mistakes, understand how the things I did back then would make reconciliation now that much harder, if not impossible, and now I try and help guide others away from making those mistakes.

[Coconut]

Can you give an update on what you're doing to be a better man? Have you implemented 180s, what GAL activities are you doing, are you going to counseling or therapy?

What are you doing to be the best dad ever?

How did the MBR convo go?

[Accuray]

I'm just curious Acc and Coconut, when you guys were going through your divorce did you implement the DB methods on your wives? Or did you not know about them? If not, did you make the same mistakes as some of us newbies?

I found out my wife was in a very serious year+ EA with a coworker while she was away from home on a business trip. I was completely shocked and devastated, I would have bet a million dollars she wouldn't have been unfaithful to me. When I found out, I called her friend who seemed to be her conspirator and tried to get information but her friend stonewalled me. When I did talk to W later that night, she told me she was done and she wanted a divorce and there was no possibility of her changing her mind.

I was fortunate in finding this site pretty quickly, and I did hire a DB coach and I did use the techniques pretty well but of course I made mistakes. Everyone thinks their situation is different and I was no exception -- this belief that our situation is different is what we use to rationalize doing what we want versus what we should be doing. Everyone's details and circumstances are of course different, but when one person wants out and one person doesn't, that situation is exactly the same and what you do about it follows a very specific prescription regardless of the other details.

In any case, after several months of DB'ing W agreed to recommit to the marriage and we had three more years together. That was really a blessing because in 2011 when this started my youngest was only 7 years old, I at least got her to 10 in an intact family.

During those three years I had the opportunity to put everything I had learned to work and to be an amazing husband and father. My 180's were real and I really had addressed a whole bunch of things about myself that would have bothered anyone in the long term, so I felt really good about that.

Unfortunately during that time, W started pulling away again. If we agreed to do 10 things together to keep our marriage strong, she first decided she was only going to do 8, then 6, then 4, then none of them, so our interactions pretty much landed back where they had been. I told her that she didn't like how things were before but she was taking us back there and she said "I know, I'm sorry, but I am committed, if anyone leaves next time it will be you"

A couple months later familiar patterns from 2011 started to repeat and she was in a new PA with a different coworker so I was done and we got divorced. I really look upon that time in my life as a blessing, despite how painful it was. I got three years to be the best I could be in that relationship, so when it ended I was able to leave it without guilt, doubt, or second guessing what I should have done better. I was able to keep the family together longer for my kids, and because so much time had passed I was able to have a very amicable divorce.

Sometimes people are just "done" and I think that was the case for W. Once we agreed to divorce she moved out really fast and maintained her affair for a couple months, but the guy was 10 years younger than she was with a wife and a young daughter, and his wife found out so eventually it fell apart. She then did some dating but clearly that wasn't as exciting as an affair, nothing really worked out, and she's been single for a few years now.

For my part, I'm much happier than I was in that relationship. W had some anger issues she never addressed, she was anxious to the degree that most physical activity scared her and she wouldn't do anything even slightly risky, she wouldn't do anything where she might get cold, or wet, and I'm an "adventure guy" so it put a lot of constraints on my life. In addition, she had virtually no sex drive, which over time I came to accept as normal, but I now understand was far from normal and really not acceptable at all. With the benefit of hindsight I'm really better off without that relationship.

Of course at the time, I put her on a pedestal and was convinced that I would never meet anyone as good for me, etc. etc. I felt more in love with her than I've ever felt for anyone right after BD. Once again with hindsight I know that was my loss of control and my fear of the unknown, so my deep desire to get her back, objectively, really was about regaining my stability and had very little to do with who she was, because really she wasn't that good for me.

I know that compatibility is a tricky thing, because it can change at any time. What my MC told me about sex drive is that its rarely perfectly matched. If your sex drive varies between 7 and 9 and your wife varies between 6 and 8, for the most part you're going to overlap. Once in a while it will be a source of tension but overall its very manageable. If, however, you're a 7 through 9 and your wife is a 1 through 3, then its going to be a constant source of stress throughout the relationship.

Obviously if you get divorced and start dating, you're more aware of what you need to live the life you want to live, so for the things that need to be aligned you're more selective. Longer term, however, like in any long term relationship things get out of alignment and you have to manage it with investment and compromise. If one person refuses to compromise or invest you're pretty much in for a miserable run.

I've been with my current girlfriend for two and a half years, she is also an adrenaline junky and loves to join me in the things I enjoy most. She has a higher sex drive than I do, and overall we get along really well. After 2.5 years we're well beyond the honeymoon phase, so things are of course challenging and stressful at times, and there are areas we're not in sync, but with the value of hindsight I'm in a much better place than I would have been had I stayed married, and my kids are doing great -- I have them half time.

Acc

[Accuray]

I'm just curious Acc and Coconut, when you guys were going through your divorce did you implement the DB methods on your wives? Or did you not know about them? If not, did you make the same mistakes as some of us newbies?

I found out my wife was in a very serious year+ EA with a coworker while she was away from home on a business trip. I was completely shocked and devastated, I would have bet a million dollars she wouldn't have been unfaithful to me. When I found out, I called her friend who seemed to be her conspirator and tried to get information but her friend stonewalled me. When I did talk to W later that night, she told me she was done and she wanted a divorce and there was no possibility of her changing her mind.

I was fortunate in finding this site pretty quickly, and I did hire a DB coach and I did use the techniques pretty well but of course I made mistakes. Everyone thinks their situation is different and I was no exception -- this belief that our situation is different is what we use to rationalize doing what we want versus what we should be doing. Everyone's details and circumstances are of course different, but when one person wants out and one person doesn't, that situation is exactly the same and what you do about it follows a very specific prescription regardless of the other details.

In any case, after several months of DB'ing W agreed to recommit to the marriage and we had three more years together. That was really a blessing because in 2011 when this started my youngest was only 7 years old, I at least got her to 10 in an intact family.

During those three years I had the opportunity to put everything I had learned to work and to be an amazing husband and father. My 180's were real and I really had addressed a whole bunch of things about myself that would have bothered anyone in the long term, so I felt really good about that.

Unfortunately during that time, W started pulling away again. If we agreed to do 10 things together to keep our marriage strong, she first decided she was only going to do 8, then 6, then 4, then none of them, so our interactions pretty much landed back where they had been. I told her that she didn't like how things were before but she was taking us back there and she said "I know, I'm sorry, but I am committed, if anyone leaves next time it will be you"

A couple months later familiar patterns from 2011 started to repeat and she was in a new PA with a different coworker so I was done and we got divorced. I really look upon that time in my life as a blessing, despite how painful it was. I got three years to be the best I could be in that relationship, so when it ended I was able to leave it without guilt, doubt, or second guessing what I should have done better. I was able to keep the family together longer for my kids, and because so much time had passed I was able to have a very amicable divorce.

Sometimes people are just "done" and I think that was the case for W. Once we agreed to divorce she moved out really fast and maintained her affair for a couple months, but the guy was 10 years younger than she was with a wife and a young daughter, and his wife found out so eventually it fell apart. She then did some dating but clearly that wasn't as exciting as an affair, nothing really worked out, and she's been single for a few years now.

For my part, I'm much happier than I was in that relationship. W had some anger issues she never addressed, she was anxious to the degree that most physical activity scared her and she wouldn't do anything even slightly risky, she wouldn't do anything where she might get cold, or wet, and I'm an "adventure guy" so it put a lot of constraints on my life. In addition, she had virtually no sex drive, which over time I came to accept as normal, but I now understand was far from normal and really not acceptable at all. With the benefit of hindsight I'm really better off without that relationship.

Of course at the time, I put her on a pedestal and was convinced that I would never meet anyone as good for me, etc. etc. I felt more in love with her than I've ever felt for anyone right after BD. Once again with hindsight I know that was my loss of control and my fear of the unknown, so my deep desire to get her back, objectively, really was about regaining my stability and had very little to do with who she was, because really she wasn't that good for me.

I know that compatibility is a tricky thing, because it can change at any time. What my MC told me about sex drive is that its rarely perfectly matched. If your sex drive varies between 7 and 9 and your wife varies between 6 and 8, for the most part you're going to overlap. Once in a while it will be a source of tension but overall its very manageable. If, however, you're a 7 through 9 and your wife is a 1 through 3, then its going to be a constant source of stress throughout the relationship.

Obviously if you get divorced and start dating, you're more aware of what you need to live the life you want to live, so for the things that need to be aligned you're more selective. Longer term, however, like in any long term relationship things get out of alignment and you have to manage it with investment and compromise. If one person refuses to compromise or invest you're pretty much in for a miserable run.

I've been with my current girlfriend for two and a half years, she is also an adrenaline junky and loves to join me in the things I enjoy most. She has a higher sex drive than I do, and overall we get along really well. After 2.5 years we're well beyond the honeymoon phase, so things are of course challenging and stressful at times, and there are areas we're not in sync, but with the value of hindsight I'm in a much better place than I would have been had I stayed married, and my kids are doing great -- I have them half time.

Acc

[Teppo]

Thanks, Acc for your candor and insight. However, it's discouraging to read that despite your best efforts to implement DB techniques, you were not able to save your marriage.

Since I last posted, my situation has not improved. I continue to follow a detachment course, but it's not having the desired effect on my wife. I feel better though about myself. My workout routine, coupled with the stress-related weight loss has resulted in a mighty impressive body for this 44-year old. Since Saturday, I've also have stopped looking at her phone, which has been helpful as well. I continue to focus on just having fun with my son as I sense my time with him is fleeting. I haven't been served with papers yet, and this is probably due to our Deacon who advised my wife to slow it down. Surprisingly she has listened to him, but I'm confident she'll file as soon as she determines the counseling sessions are not worth her time. She no doubt continues with her EA. I spoke to her mom and she is fearful of a divorce and what it'll do to our son. She suspects an EA as well and is very disappointed with my wife.