I haven't written here since last Friday. But we had our first counseling session last night and W was really dreading it but I told her this won't be about whose to blame but rather about addressing the system rather than the symptoms and that it won't be a yelling match. I like the lady she seems very in tune with what we want (not seeing marriage or divorce as the automatic outcome) but encouraged my W and myself to also do individual sessions to address resentment. W. actually said she has stopped bringing up "well in the past you didn't do x,y,z or weren't excited" and I unfortunately didn't even notice that (probably because I saw focusing on those statements as a threat for us to start a conflict and for me to feel pain and hurt. She said she still thinks and feels these things but I told her I appreciate her taking this first huge step to not say it. And I was jumping for joy internally because I do think one of the biggest obstacles that prevent us from going forward is her resentment towards me.
W was encouraged to not continue talking to OM but in the car W said "just to be honest, I am not quite there yet" she also doesn't know how to talk about the MC to OM. I hope in the next couple of sessions W will reflect deeper and perhaps decide to stop talking to him is the best way for us to reconnect. But she also doesn't talk about him as being someone she can be in a relationship with. And I decided to just nod and say well he is being a friend to you. I think I need to recognize signs of progress and signs of her behavioral changes towards me as huge steps even though I wish time would move faster. But on the other hand, I DO need changes and I am not quite there with being consistent in several things.
W did mention depression in her in take which I was worried she would leave off. But expressed reluctancy to be medicated. MC said holistic approaches could work and suggested a mood chart which I think will be extremely helpful. Later I told her that if she doesn't want to give me an entire narrative and needing to comfort me if her mood leads her to want to be alone to perhaps initiate some words that indicate to me whatever she needs (e.g., need to be alone, need you in the same room but quiet etc.).
W. expressed to MC that she isn't willing to say save our marriage at all cost but that she is open to the idea of it being able to be saved. This to me was huge and unless she is with me to delay this process because living on her own is too expensive and complicated which would mean that my gut feeling is wrong and basically that I have been living with a stranger for a decade. I think the MC asking questions and me nodding and affirming my flaws were already huge for my W to feel much better about a future. In fact in the car she said... that I am not like her dad and that when she mentioned it in the past that there were elements (e.g., yelling at the tv during sports). I told the MC that I always dismissed her referencing her dad to me as non sense because I wasn't her dad and I wasn't abusive. But that I now recognize that I in fact by dismissing it and continuing that behavior that in many ways I was like her dad and decided I need to change that. MC said that was huge. And I like that W in car ride home kind of defended me.
We have our next appt next Wednesday and so we shall see but I am very hopeful. Not that it will be easy. MC suggested cognitive behavioral therapy where basically a bad memory needs to be replaced with 12 or so positive thoughts. And this will of course highlight all the things that are problematic and tough between us so it will be essential for me to not pressure her and to ONLY display signs of positive emotions regardless of my own fears, pain and insecurities. But I will discuss that with MC if we end up having individual sessions as well.
My W is also very positive about me in public towards others (I don't think she ever stopped doing it although at times she would show irritation towards me). She has encouraged me to befriend one of her coworkers' husbands which is a confusing step if she really was done with me. Her coworkers know very little about us and in fact have an extremely positive view of me it seems. So having me enter what is potentially an explosive situation if they ever find out what happened is a big risk on her part. Either she likes the risk, or thinks she can control it OR she simply desires to remain married but doesn't necessarily know how to do that and how to feel like that.
W also expressed reluctance to go on a trip back to another state. I booked it a month or so ago for her to go alone. So I said that if she doesn't feel like going she doesn't have to. It was HER suggestion that since I hadn't gone to the state where she wants to do her PhD that maybe we could meet there and she would still make the original trip but cut it short after a few days. She said it surprised her she was excited about the idea of us going there (but a day later said she doesn't yet see it as a romantic trip). I decided to go because a) I have always focused on cost of trips as reason not to go (ironically she is now worried it is expensive); b) she feels I am not supportive of her goals and c) I didn't book it immediately after she mentioned it but not only did she repeat that desire the next morning, she also messaged me several times to say she looked into options.
While I am adopting several things of the LRT I am not fully committed to it because I don't think we are at that stage. She IS still wanting to spend time and talk and she IS still living under the same roof. She HAS continued to show me affection in ways when I didn't ask for it. And she has expressed that she is a monster for the way she treated me. (and yesterday she jokingly referenced to OM as cheating and earlier she always said I am sorry it hurt you but we were separated and so nothing was wrong about it).
Since we booked the MC she has stopped referencing to moving out, stopped saying she will miss one of the cats, stopped saying she will miss me. Has she stopped THINKING and PLANNING it? Not sure. But other than the fact that we have problems we have been getting along maybe better than ever. A lot of that is because of changes I made but she has responded to those changes. A few weak moments from both of us but nothing major. Most importantly, we are working more and more like a team on several things like cleaning and cooking.
To be continued (I am sure... maybe negative...maybe positive...maybe both...)
