Hello and welcome back! First I would definitely suggest reading DB, sounds like maybe you have before but 15 years later it wouldn’t hurt to read it again! Second I would quit snooping, you’re just going to drive yourself crazy doing that. You know he’s got some kind of affair going whether EA or PA, he’s not even being secretive about it so there’s really no need to snoop.
It sure sounds like your H and OW are both firmly in the limerence stage of their R. They have grandiose fantasies that an R together will solve all their problems. It’ll all be blissful perfection. Of course that will not be the case, but they may decide to give their little fling legs before they discover that. So what do you do? Read DB again, there’s a lot of good info in there on how to deal with an affair partner. Also give yourself a few days to collect yourself while you read it. If H says he wants to talk then tell him you’re willing to talk in a few days but you need some time to digest everything. You might also talk to a DB coach.
I think maybe you’re letting him cake-eat a little too much, based on a few of the comments you made:
“I got myself together and decided that I needed to let him know that I wasn’t OK with what he had said to me but it was his choice and I would respect that. “
“ He said he didn’t want them to know anything and us to carry on as normal if I would allow him to stay. “
“ and although it was killing me I was being supportive and asking him how he was”
“I reassured him that he couldn’t help that he had fallen in love with someone else and I understood.”
You’re dealing with a budding affair and basically you’re giving your H signals that it’s OK to stay at home and stay married while he pursues his A. That should absolutely NOT be OK with you. I think you’re going to want to set some boundaries, such as putting him on notice that if he wants to stay home the A has to end. If he wants to continue the A then he’ll have to move out. You want to work on the M, but you simply can’t if he’s engaging in an A. If he suddenly finds himself moved out and away from his old life, the kids and you he may quickly discover that that old life that he thought was so dull and boring was pretty darned good after all. He’s got to learn to miss you, and he never will if you let him stay at home. But like I said, don’t do that yet. Take a few days to center yourself. Read DB. Get a coach if you can. Seek out more advice here.
