25yearsmlc 10 yrs later I File D (part 4)

[Zues126]

This is a heartbreaking story. To see two people that loved each other, married, brought children into this world, and built a family together end with betrayal, abandonment, violence, death, and the daily devastation that will be the future for these children that once had parents...well, it's horrible beyond description.

Was he mentally ill or driven beyond any reasonable breaking point? Was he a villain or a victim? Did his WAW drive him to this or is this all on him?

There is no question that violence and murder cannot be excused. No one but him is accountable for this decision. It is utterly damaging and isn't something that can ever be made right. So I would never excuse his actions or encourage someone else to take responsibility for them.

Yet these questions aren't easy. I don't know if he was 'mentally ill', shoot, I don't even know exactly what that term means or what the difference is. If mentally ill means people acting crazy compared to the rest of us, then yes, anyone that does something crazy fit that description. But I get concerned that label minimizes some of what this man was dealing with. Maybe he wasn't crazy. Maybe it really was simply too much. Did his WAW drive him to this? No one drives someone to what he did. That is a step he took himself. But it would be naive to think that she didn't contribute to the pain he felt that at some point exceeded his ability to cope. You cannot drive someone out of their marital home, limit their access to their children, destroy their family and identity within that family, flaunt another person in their face, and oppress them with an aggressive court system, then label them as 'mentally ill' when they can't go on.

I think to myself, if the divorce rate was 5% instead of 50%, would there be more or less suicide? I'm not booked up on statistics but I would imagine it would be quite a bit less. If that's the case, then at some point don't we all have a responsibility to contribute to a world that is livable?

Then I think of a school shooting with a kid that was being bullied. Of course that's not ok. But do we label the kid as mentally ill and close the case? Or do we take a look at the bullying epidemic and say "We need to put a stop to a culture that inflicts such tremendous pain on so many"?

In so many ways this mirrors our DBing. I never would've left XW. She is ultimately responsible for her choice to end the marriage. Yet it is clear that my behavior during my M had some serious shortcomings, there was real pain inflicted on her as a result of my actions, and right or wrong this is the outcome.

We don't need to beat ourselves up about things in the past. But I do think it's really important that we take responsibility for our behavior, and acknowledge the impact our behavior has on those around us, and the cumulative effect all of our behavior has on the world we have to share.

I am not a model of this behavior and don't claim to be an example. I just know that when I read a story like this it makes me rededicated to being more demanding of myself and more aware of the impact I am making.

I also want to thank all of you that are DBing and standing by your marriages. I am of the belief that divorce isn't the answer, and that it leads to losses deeper than we can measure. Something so destructive should not be socially acceptable. Something so destructive should not be minimized and shrugged off with trite sayings and rationalizations about how it wasn't meant to be. I believe those attitudes minimize the damage that divorce causes, leading to more pain and suffering, which can clearly lead down even darker paths. So stay true to your beliefs, stand by your marriage, and take responsibility for your own destructive behavior. The next person you talk to might be at the end of their rope. We're fighting for more than our marriage here. We're fighting to do our part to make things a little easier for each other so that these situations don't repeat and our children grow up in stable loving homes with both their parents around to see them through.