What should I be doing now (Time to Move on?)

[Coconut]

I miss the good times, feel hurt/anger when I replay specific conversations or acts of betrayal during our sitch.

I want to expand on this a little.

I moved out of state almost 4 months ago, and it was bliss. I didn't have to drive by places that reminded me of her, I was 700 miles away from her and didn't have to worry about running into her when I went out, I had the ability to just go explore my new area and do what I wanted..

that lasted about 2 months, I know realize that moving didn't erase everything like it felt, it just covered it up for a little while (which was a nice break :), but over the last couple of months my mind occasionally wanders. I still have to work through some of my feelings.

I think of the good times, the excruciatingly bad times, and just what was lost in general. BUT, at just over 1 year since the first sign of anything wrong, I can think of these things without much emotion, there's a little sadness but not much, certainly nothing debilitating like when everything was fresh.

However, two days ago I got the urge to again research D in FL. I had started filling out the paperwork back in January or so, but got caught up in filling out the financial documents, for some reason I was just having a difficult time trying to get it all down, and I also had no interest in contacting her to get her information, so I put it aside. Well, 2 days ago I found information on a "simplified" divorce that FL has, basically all you have to do is complete a 2 page form, mostly fill in the blank, and both parties sign that the divorce is irreparable.. and you can even state that all assets and debt have been divided and we wish to keep it private, so you don't even have to fill out the financial information.

so I thought to myself, well, since it's this easy, I might as well get it done. Starting reading the process, and it stated that both parties "MUST" attend court together once and affirm that the marriage is irreparable.. hmmm, starting thinking about standing up in court and saying that the M has failed and can't be saved was a little more than I could handle, and the tears flowed.

Well, I'll be danged, where is this coming from I asked myself.. If my STBXW came to me and said that she wanted to give it another shot, I really, really, really don't think I would be willing to do that. I would say I wouldn't give it a second thought, cause that's how I feel now, but I realize feelings may change when really given the option. Who knows, maybe I just want to feel that way now since I don't really have any other option, and it's my minds way of protecting me. But honestly, I love the idea of the getting back with the W I remember, but that's not who she is, and she never will be again. I don't even know her anymore.

so for now, the 2 page easy to fill out petition for divorce sits on my bookcase until I can wrap my head around saying those words in court.