I'm. Losing it. I'm exhausted. This is my only place to vent. So I'm sorry everyone had to hear me sounding so weak. I'm trying to hold it all together. I just took the boys to lunch but I am dying inside. I'm looking at this baby and I feel like I'm falling apart. I have let my children down again. I brought an innocent life in the world to live in separate homes. I didn't have children to see them 50% of the time.
With all you are going through in your life, it's no wonder you are about to collapse. You are not weak, and even if you feel that you are.....you don't have to pretend or try to look brave for us. You can vent all you want! I just wish you would not blame yourself. You haven't let down your children, the first or second time. You did not bring an innocent life into the world by yourself. It took two people to make that baby, and I just see one who is caring for him. Besides, what were you suppose to do, when your H waited till nearly time to deliver to start his acting out again?
FWIW, my daughter left her H when she was pregnant. Our grandchild grew up without ever seeing his parents together. He has no memory of a previous homelife b/c he had not been born at the time his daddy chose to sleep around with other women. Maybe we spoiled him a little, b/c we felt so sorry that he was this innocent baby who was born "after" his parents separated. He would never have memories of what it was like to have a home with both parents. It still hurts when I think about it, but all we can do is show our love, guidance, and support....and let him know we are there for him.
Both of my kids went through painful divorces where adultery was involved. As a mother and grandmother, it broke my heart. After the youngest one was hit with a divorce, too, I even wondered if it was karma paying me back.
I wished I knew something to say that would brighten your day, honey. I hope I don't sound patronizing. Some day you will look back on this as a very painful time in your life. I believe with all my heart that you will be in a happier place when you look back. You will think, "If I only knew then that my future would be this good and that my kids would be happy"! How can I make that statement? B/c I believe you are that mother who will fight the demons of hell to give her best for her kids. What I pray you can do soon, is to stop punishing yourself. You are not the cause for all this stuff going on with your H. I hope you will accept that you are only one person, doing the best you can, and that you cannot be make up for "what may have been". All you can do is show them your love, guidance, and support. And you know what I've learned? Those little guys don't find fault in those who give of themselves. That's what they want, TO. They need you to be Mom, b/c you you do such an incredible job! If I can admire you through just reading your threads....then I know those kids will feel blessed to have you as their mother.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
