I haven't posted in a while but have been reading the forums for support from others situations as well as reading DR.
I'll start by thanking you guys for your responses. They help a lot. I agree with all of it and I did confront her regarding the texting and not wanting marriage counseling while she was carrying on with OM. She denied that she was texting the OM saying that it was her girlfriend from work she was texting. I didn't press the issue further as I am not certain of the numbers, but I am fairly certain that she lied. I explained to her that I didn't want to be her best friend. I told her that I wanted to be friends if it was within our M, but not just friends. I also explained that I would not be her secondary choice. I would not be man number 2. She wanted to continue counseling and work on things. It seems since then all of her texting has died down to nothing. She claims that she is not talking to OM and feels a little embarrassed that it happened, but she does still work with him.
It has now been a month and a half since that, and things have changed a little (or maybe a lot depending on how you look at it). Recently in counseling she said that she now realizes that she has been blaming for a lot of stuff that was not my fault and that she didn't realize it until she had some time away from the situation. She has also started spending a little more time around the house with the family. She has come over and made dinner and hung out a little. She is still distant, but does start conversations about random topics. It is hard because she seems so absent minded and foggy looking, but also seems to be trying to make things work.
A few days ago she dropped our D off at a mutual friends house for a play date. She has not talked to this friend much since this all started. He told me when I picked up D from his house that she told him that she had really effed things up between us and that she had been blaming for things that weren't my fault. She has not said these things directly to me or apologized for anything, although admitting these things at all seems like a positive change.
I have been trying not to snoop for my own peace of mind, but in the few times I do, I have not found any evidence that she is carrying on any nefarious activities at all. It looks like she goes to work, runs errands, and hangs out with the kids on her days with them...and with us on some of the other days. It looks kind of like she is trying to be better, but still a little foggy in the head...but maybe not AS foggy.
Her actions now make it difficult for me to know how to act around her. When she seems to be trying, I want to try and and am tempted to drop the DB type of behavior. Most of the time I stick to it...sometimes I slip and give a hug or tell her she is beautiful. It doesn't seem to send her running for the hills when I do it, but I still feel like I shouldn't have afterwards because I don't feel like she deserves that kind of treatment from me...I just get weak because I love her and I like to see that she is trying (or what I perceive to be trying).
One issue we have coming up is her apartment lease. Initially she moved out for a trial separation with ground rules. We agreed on no dating (she says she hasn't been), not open ended (initially a month but she could only find a 2 month apartment to sublease), both agreed that the point of separation was to work on the marriage and we would wear our wedding rings, defined a schedule with the kids, and a few other things that really aren't worth mentioning (regarding scheduling with the kids). It has been a month and a half since she got the apartment. That means that in the next 2 weeks she will either get another apartment or move home. We have not discussed what she is going to do yet, and I really don't want to press the issue. I think she needs to figure that out on her own. The issue with that is that we still share finances so if she makes a decision to get an apartment...that is something that affects us both financially. I am not sure how to feel if she decides she wants to come home. I mean she is showing signs of improvement, but she isn't out of the woods just yet. And a decision to come home is something for us both to decide...and I would think mainly MY decision to allow her too. Of course we have finances and kids to consider so if she really is making forward progress, maybe working on things while living together would be better in a sense? I'm just really not sure.
I really hate all of this, but I love her...or who she used to be and who she could potentially be again (or some form of). I know that she loves me somewhere in there...but right now it isn't the kinds of love that I need (or at least what she is showing me right now).
I'll stop for now as to not ramble on, but any advice or well wishing would definitely be appreciated. I guess I should add a little about me. I've recently started piano lessons, got in to great shape, and just got a new job that pays a bit more money. I am working on myself quite a bit...but I forget to mention those things because that's not what brings me to the forums.
