Boston Dad in need of Help

[OwnIt]

Don't read her the letter. She doesn't want to hear it. I wrote the most amazing letter of all time and sent it to my H. No response. Ever other person on this site or any other I have read who writes the letter and sends it ends up nowhere and many like myself regret doing it. Write the letter for you and then burn it.

Over is a relative term. Detach, GAL, and move forward. The future is uncertain.

[Coconut]

Teppo,

I agree with OwnIt, do not read her the letter. Don't think this will be your last opportunity to let her know (even though she knows I understand your desire), this is a long process and there will be many opportunities.. And if you really want to do it for yourself, then it will be much more meaningful if you do it at a time that you are not expecting her to react in a way that reunites you two.. Right now, you want her to hear it because in some way, you think her eyes will open and she will remember how much she loves you and wants to be with you forever.

[Coconut]

I would suggest instead that you take ownership of your failures in the marriage.. Maybe something like "It pains me to hear all the ways that I hurt you during our Marriage, I appreciate you opening up and letting me know, because it opened my eyes and helped to know where I can work on myself to be a better man in the future".

[Teppo]

[quote=AnotherStander]

Regarding the MBR, I would tell your wife "I understand that you're involved with another man, and that you'd like a divorce. I'm not okay with being in an open marriage. Since you're the one that wants to leave, I'd like you to move out of the MBR and I plan to return to it beginning tonight."

How do you think that might change things?

If you do that, you're clearly not pursuing, begging or pleading right?

Acc

Acc,
Thanks again for your input. You and everyone else who has commented on my situation have been a big help.

So, if I reference her EA while asking her to leave the MBR, wouldn't that drive her further away? Instead, would it be better just to say, "Since you want to leave our family and get a divorce, I'd like you to move out of the MBR as I plan on returning to my bed tonight."?

Thanks

[Teppo]

Also, is it too late to ask her to leave the MBR?

[Coconut]

[quote=AnotherStander]

Regarding the MBR, I would tell your wife "I understand that you're involved with another man, and that you'd like a divorce. I'm not okay with being in an open marriage. Since you're the one that wants to leave, I'd like you to move out of the MBR and I plan to return to it beginning tonight."

How do you think that might change things?

If you do that, you're clearly not pursuing, begging or pleading right?

Acc

Acc,
Thanks again for your input. You and everyone else who has commented on my situation have been a big help.

So, if I reference her EA while asking her to leave the MBR, wouldn't that drive her further away? Instead, would it be better just to say, "Since you want to leave our family and get a divorce, I'd like you to move out of the MBR as I plan on returning to my bed tonight."?

Thanks

Fact - She IS having an EA

Not Fact - Since you want to leave our family and get a divorce (you are either putting words in her mouth or believing what she says and not what she does; she has neither left your family nor has she divorced you, and unless you are a mind reader, you don't know what she really wants.)

The general idea is to let her know that you are NOT ok with her having an EA, and you will not be in an open marriage. The MBR is the sanctuary for a marriage and she should not be in there when she is with another man.

Stick with the facts, and follow Accuray's suggestion.. I've been posting here a long time, i'm not familiar with Accuray, but what he's posted on your thread is pure gold.. You would do well to go back and read everyone of his posts on your thread and really try and understand what is being said, because it's dead on.

[Accuray]

Thanks Coconut!

Teppo it's never too late to ask her to leave the MBR, you can change things up in your life whenever you need to.

Secondly you're getting great advice here about the letter. You feel it will give you some closure. I promise you it won't, it will be just another step in the journey.

When you read her the letter you *will* have an expectation of the impact it's going to have on her. You will not get that result, and then you'll feel worse and you still won't have any kind of closure. She knows what she's doing, she's spent a ton of time thinking about it.

The key thing you can do is give her more space than she wants. Asking her to leave the MBR is part of that -- it's you heading the other direction, its not you trying to pacify her or walk on eggshells around her.

Relationships start as a meeting of equals. In order for your relationship to "restart" it needs to get back onto equal footing. When she leaves and you pursue her, you are "one down" in the relationship, you are less than. She knows that you're there for the taking. She would have to exert zero effort to get you back. Do people value that which they do not have to work for?

Here's what the typical walkaway wife sees in their husband:

Here's this guy who had these shortcomings in our marriage. I told him to make things better and he didn't, and it got so bad, I had to leave. Now that he's put me through all this pain, he's desperately trying to convince me that he can change and everything will be different. He's sad all the time, he's passive aggressive, he shames me and tries to make me feel guilty. He tries to make me the bad guy in all this when he's the one who drove me to it. He won't accept that I want to move on and is basically clinging onto my leg and holding me back. That's not who I want to be with.

Here's the vision for Teppo:

She sees that you're just fine without her. She sees that you're happy, you're going out and living your life. You're an amazing father and truly enjoy your parenting time. You're exercising, you're eating right, you've upgraded your wardrobe. There's a new swagger in your step. She suspects, and then fears, that you are NOT there for the taking. That if she wants you back, that's not a very certain proposal at all.

Which picture is she more intrigued by? Which picture has any chance of succeeding?

In the first case, she's going to give you platitudes and try to do the minimum she can to feel the least guilty, but her whole focus is on getting away, and getting you to accept that she's going. In that mindframe, she's not going to hear anything you read from a letter. She's not interested in seeing changes. She's interested in getting away.

In the second case, there's nothing to get away from because there's no pursuit. Suddenly the safety net is gone and she has space to evaluate what she's doing. Things are not at all certain anymore. There is no longer a singular focus.

I had a friend who discovered that his wife had cheated on him. He confronted her and she unloaded on him, anger, all the things he had done wrong, etc. He said "I may not have always been the best husband, but I was committed to you. If I hurt you along the way I'm sorry. You cheated on me, good luck with that." Then he completely shut her out, went dark, and went on with his life.

To her, that was like smelling salts, he didn't buy into the revisionist history, or the "he's the bad guy" or any of it, and suddenly she had nothing to go back to. The affair quickly ran its course and she came back remorseful and apologetic, and he was able to dictate the terms by which he may be interested in trying again.

In short, he was not "one down" when they came back together, if anything things were tipped in his favor. She understood his boundaries, what he would and would not accept, and had seen that he would stand up for himself, and was perfectly capable of living his own life without her. She wasn't on the hook for anything.

In that context, they're both in the relationship because they want to be, not because they feel like they have to be, and that's an important distinction.

Give her space Teppo, no more emotional appeals. Focus on you and who you want to be and the rest will take care of itself. If you want her back, the shortest path is a straight line in the other direction. Anything else is just prolonging the inevitable.

Acc

[Teppo]

"I may not have always been the best husband, but I was committed to you. If I hurt you along the way I'm sorry. You cheated on me, good luck with that." Then he completely shut her out, went dark, and went on with his life.

To her, that was like smelling salts

Wow! Great post!

I going to use that line you quoted above instead of reading my letter. That's gold! Thanks for the confidence booster.


Also, regarding the MBR. Is it best to tell her personally or via text to get out?

[Coconut]

"I may not have always been the best husband, but I was committed to you. If I hurt you along the way I'm sorry. You cheated on me, good luck with that." Then he completely shut her out, went dark, and went on with his life.

To her, that was like smelling salts

Wow! Great post!

I going to use that line you quoted above instead of reading my letter. That's gold! Thanks for the confidence booster.

Teapot, do NOT use that quote to her... It's the attitude that made the difference, not the words.. I've been on these forums for a little over a year, and I've seen 2 or 3 wayward spouses come on this site.. All three came here because they cheated on their spouses and their spouses were set on divorcing them because of it and moving on.. They fckd up, they knew it, and their spouses wouldn't stand for it.

Be strong, be the best you, don't look to them for approval or acceptance, just do you, that's your best chance..

Ps- one of the most respected posters on this site, sandi2, was a WW. When her H found out, she wanted to move out, her H told her you can go, but don't think you can ever come back.. That got her attention and she stayed.

[Coconut]

Also, regarding the MBR. Is it best to tell her personally or via text to get out?

Really? If someone else asked this what would you say?


You are defending your marriage, you are saying that this is our sanctuary as husband and wife, and if you are not committed to this marriage then you shouldn't be in the MBR. Is that the kind of message that should be via text?